%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4318888 |
  Happy Earth Day Elle!    I love a good thunderstorm and could really enter into your descriptive expression! The title is direct and the tag line adds a clue to a mystery!The first line stirs up the action and sound element of a storm and the image of the giant and his action is clear to see. It sets up your mythical type story line for the poem. Children would relate to the tantrum. I know I do!  Each verse carries on describing a different element of the storm with dramatic action. Words like "whoosh", "sizzle" and "patters" and "peeks" are active and vivid.I like how in verse 1 and 3 have first line action. I wondered about the second verse: tightening up the first line: "lightning sizzles" although I guess it does "send" the vibration. I was just thinking about aligning the verse format.It is a free style with consistent rhyme scheme so it may not be vital.  The last two verses use longer first lines in any case. Lots of assonance with the long "i" sound here is effective too!I also wondered about the second line in verse 4: It seems long and I see you are introducing I more personally here, yet I felt it might flow better with just the action "drops trickle down the glass" and I wanted to drop "lightly". Again I see the picture you making with the idea of the rain slowing down and you focusing on one drop. It does adda nuance of identifying with the giant's possible feelings so it works emotionally, which may be the point here.  I was looking more at the flow and form in this point of view. Now, it does look a bit like free verse with longer and shorter lines in verses..{like verse 3 has abrupt end lines like a storm begins and ends) so maybe it is for effect. Take what feels right and ignore the rest. I loved the image of the "thumbsup" and it adds to the lightness of the the after storm. The poem is fun to read and the vocabulary is suitable to children, for whom the poem was scribed.I noticed a typo in verse 4 "Rains patters". Should "rains" be "Rain"?In verse 3, I wondered about the comma after "by" as the line and the next are both complete sentences.   Apart from my nitpicking, your creation is solid in message, image and drama of a thunderstorm's passage. The scenes were clear for all to imagine and the queries make us ponder for fun about the giant in the sky.  Thanks for entertaining and reassuring kids that storms can be fun!Light on the path as you write on! eyestar 
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You responded to this review 04/24/2017 @ 6:44am EDT