Hi again! Reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019"  [E].

First impression: Really liked the examples provided, and the narrative in general. It feels like this was personal experience.

Suggestions: My main suggestion is: incorporate some dialogue. If, as I suspect, this is an actual childhood memory, you might have to make something up; that's okay. A good example of where you could include some is the "mother's suggestion" part, where instead of paraphrasing what she said, you could put something in quotes. I think using dialogue would help with varying the pacing of the story.

I'd also suggest not using words like "very" as in "It was very ineffective."

Opening: My suggestion here is really a matter of individual preference, so take it or leave it: I didn't feel the opening was grabby enough. What I'd do is take the fourth paragraph about wiggling the tooth, rewrite it to be more active, like a scene ("I wiggled the tooth back and forth, back and forth...") and then, later, go into the Blue Fairy bit.

Ending: Great ending that wraps everything up and cements the feeling of time and place in the reader. Maybe capitalize Blue Fairy like you did elsewhere? The bit about the dime is especially nice.

Overall: This reads like a grandmother telling stories to grandchildren. That's fine, but to hold a particular random reader's attention, you might want to consider some minor edits as discussed. But I thought the story overall was good, with some vivid, realistic imagery - I remembered the whole loose tooth thing from my own childhood. Keep it up!

You responded to this review 08/26/2019 @ 12:49am EDT

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