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 Review #4720896 |
| Hello, Dave Ronnert  ! Welcome to Writing.Com! I met you at the SPR forum, so I'm stopping by to give you a few thoughts on your item. Since this is a first chapter, there's certain elements I look for to grab my attention. The opening chapter is one of the most important things for a novel. Here are a few comments for you to consider. The opening paragraph does a good job with dropping me into a scene where there's something mysterious going on, and the main character is introduced, but the only thing missing was the 'where'. He's in a jungle but what's the name of the place he's from? It takes a while to learn this, but I think it's important to establish this early on. Like with this line: With skilled practice, the two started their journey back. ...journey back to ??? There's three character's to get to know, and I thought this was done well. The main character of Korga was described to show his size. The only suggestion here would be to add a little more on his features. There was no problem visualizing what he was wearing. Same with the other two, a few more details on their looks would help. It doesn't have to be a full description going on and on but it would be easy to add it to different spots, for instance like the dialog. The rest of the story flowed a long at a good pace as I learned more about Korga's way of life. I liked that it got into some dialog, because I find that an easy way to learn of the characters personality. I thought it was fun and humorous to read the dialog between Korga and his friend, Gaar. I few typos I caught along the way: Paragraph starting with: This was bad news. skitchaar were...  Unfinished sentence. Same paragraph: Once the animal was side on to Korga,... Missing word“Where you planning to join me? [Were] you...Last paragraph: Once there, he stowed both items into his pack, strapped it to his waste.. [waist] ....and headed back out of the [S]leeping chambers. No need to capitalize 'sleeping'Personal thought: With this section you use 'felt' and 'feel' close together. Try to edit those words out. It's better to describe what their feeling. Korga lay there, listening as she walked away. He always felt bad ignoring her, but he just didn’t feel like dealing with her right now. Example of writing it without the empty word can be found in another line further down: Korga felt something touch his shoulder. Something touched Korga's shoulder. The biggest standout to me was the action scenes. I had no problem visualizing what was going on, so this means the right wording was used to paint a picture. Way to go! Overall, I think the first chapter does well in setting up the rest of the novel. It ends off at a good place and keeps the reader wondering what adventure Korga is on next, and better yet, what trouble is he going to run into.  Have fun writing future chapters, and again, welcome to the site!~Lornda    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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