Hi G.D. Evans ,

I have the pleasure of reviewing your item as part of the "Game of Thrones"  challenge.
Your Hook
I liked the title of your poem. I didn't actually realise it was a poem until I clicked on it, the title is not at all romantic, which was actually the appeal (to me.)

The first line, 'One day I woke up', gives me a sense of moment, a pause in life, a stock-taking, perchance a change in direction.

Prose
The descriptions are clear, while the collections around the room are described in a cryptic sort of manner that gives the reader something to think about. To digest. To understand the greater story behind each grouping.

You create a strong mood with the decay of the surroundings - it's very unappealing, though that only adds to the strength of the moment in time. As I read, I would remember the first line 'One day I woke up", and I began to wonder if the moment captured in your poem would lead to a transformation?

There is a lot that I do not understand in this poem, especially in the last two paragraphs, where it reads more like a rap song. (My personal definition of rap: It sounds catchy, and I liked it, but don't know what it was actually saying!)

You are showing rather than telling

Favourite line

'One day I woke up with a brain dead head'

My Recommendations

Your rhyming structure is mixed up. That first line (that I love) doesn't rhyme with the next. Then you have paired rhymes for a time, and then lines that don't rhyme again, shifting finally into groups of 4 lines rhyming.

Also, sentence lengths vary greatly. You might like to experiment with a syllable counter, you can find one online easily enough, and they are a great tool when you are getting into writing poetry.

Overall
I enjoyed discovering this scene, this moment in time when you Woke Up. While I also hope that this stocktaking was transformative.


Thank you for sharing your work!


The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.