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 Review #4768138 |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I liked how the story ended as it began, with a guy sitting on a bench just watching the people pass by. Only it was a different guy, or rather, the guy from the beginning completed the same task another poor person had to complete to rid themselves of this magic curse. The story between those two events was quite original and nicely set up. There was enough backstory to understand who the main character was and how he got to sit on that bench on that day, and I felt I got to know him quite well. He wasn’t a particularly likeable guy but the fact that he was in this predicament, which didn’t seem deserved, made the readers feel for him. The two women also didn’t seem particularly nice. His ex wife wanted to extort money from him, and his girlfriend left him (for good this time) even though what happened in this tale wasn’t really his fault. At least his ex had a change of heart when he explained that he didn’t owe her anything, but that’s when the real trouble started because she got herself into a rather tricky situation and hadn’t taken into account that he might not actually pay up.  Suggestions: I noticed a couple of errors you might want to fix: I had a strange feeling the somehow my life was fixing to change “that somehow…” you were going give him “going to give him” The only suggestion I have is regarding the dialogue. When a different person speaks or acts, you need to start a new paragraph. There were a few instances where both Marty, Margaret and Kristie were all speaking and acting in the same paragraph, and it got a bit confusing. Even if they only say one line and then the dialogue moves to another person, it needs to be in a paragraph of its own. It’s an easy fix though; if you read the story slowly again, you’ll see where you need to insert the breaks.  Final Thoughts: It’s unfortunate that the first time the main character encounters magic, he finds that It just doesn't like him very much - which was a intriguing statement, by the way, and part of the reason I clicked on this story. I particularly liked how you built the tension at the beginning when he was afraid to look what was in the bag. You didn’t give anything away, and the readers were as surprised as he was when it was finally revealed. His reaction to it was unexpected and made me chuckle. A good story! ** Image ID #2154080 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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