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Review #4772099
Viewing a review of:
 Strangers Open in new Window. [13+]
Snowy winter evening, old memories came flooding back on the commuter train
by Josh T. Alto Author Icon
Review of Strangers  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings,

This is an interesting little tale, more like an almost dreamy sort of vignette than a typical story. The theme is fairly commonplace: an unhappily married man falls victim to a "femme fatale" who has no interest in a lasting relationship, leaving him alone with heartache and guilt and haunted by the possibilities of what could have been.

The story is framed so we can't help sympathizing with the man as he tries his best to treat his wife fairly while feeling this powerful attraction to someone else. It is sad and moody, dwelling mostly in past tense memories within the man’s mind as he sits on the bus and imagines he sees the woman he wanted so badly, as in old times. Or wait, was she actually on the train? The timeline is somewhat surreal, in an interesting movie kind of way. I like how you’ve described the lady, in her black coat, hat and pearl earrings. It has an old-fashioned charm like a sepia tint. There is even a hint of sad hope at the end that someday things might pick up where they left off… the man is faithful, in the only way he knows, to the woman who was playing with him. The possibility of a happy ending reminds me of the way Dickens’ Great Expectations ends, with the woman who long scorned the man coming to him at last. So, I suppose this is a classic story.

If I had to suggest any improvement, I might point out what my mentors like to tell me about focusing in on “live action,” rather than dwelling in some vague memory place inside his head. Walk us through the different moments as they happen, using scene dividers to create quick snapshots of time, as it were. Plunge us into the “here and now” as the relationship falters and shifts. This is only an idea of how it might be reframed; I’m not saying it’s wrong the way it is, and indeed what I’m talking about is probably irrelevant to the mood you’re creating here, which I appreciate.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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