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 Review #4786844 |
 | The Girl Across the Street  [E] My first contest entry, based on the picture shown.  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: Well, that was awkward!  I felt for Jim when his character assessment was so openly criticised by his best friend and the girl he thought he would never meet. It’s funny how writers do this though - I’ve never written anything down at that moment (and having read this story, I’ll make sure I never will!) but I often come up with little scenes in my head when I watch people. He took it one step further and I actually found that really useful advice, the way he analysed her from a few attributes. It’s not usually about getting the person right, just about getting ideas. That it turned out differently in this case wasn’t something that Jim could foresee, and Adam didn’t help by not letting his friend know that he knew the girl. At first, I thought she might be Adam’s girlfriend, but in his only bit of luck in this story, Jim found that she was not.  Suggestions: The story was quite polished but I think there are a few small punctuation errors. I’m not an expert but I believe you need a comma in these sentences: Adam smiled sliding the notebook Adam said turning back answered Jim pushing the manuscript she said stopping at ‘bring here to our next coffee meeting I think that was meant to say “bring her to our next…” And you mentioned in the description that this was a contest entry and I would always suggest putting the prompt at the end of the story so the readers can see what it was written for. I’m guessing in this case the contest might have been the March 2017 "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" because the image was a young woman standing in the street studying a map, which would fit this tale. You could include the image as the thumbnail (I looked up one of the other contest entries where this was done, that’s how I found the picture in question).  Final Thoughts: The ending was nicely done. Jim got her number and a date, but the best part was the brief conversation he had with his grandfather as he passed his old house, which was quite touching and said a lot about Jim’s character. I enjoy reading stories about writers and this was no exception. I find it interesting to see the writing process in action, even in a fictional setting. A good story!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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