%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4794821 |
 | The birthday gift  [E] A short story  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: That was a very sweet story. The teenager got a few nice gifts for her birthday, but her favourite one was being able to get in touch with an old friend. It came across very clearly how hard it was for her to lose him when he moved away to college, and her joy at being able to connect with him after all that time. Actually, I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but probably a year or so, which is a long time for a fifteen year old. For a moment, I was worried that he wouldn’t remember her or that he had moved on and wouldn’t want to chat, but he seemed like a nice guy who was happy to hear from her again. The aunt’s character was nicely written as well. She knew exactly what her niece would like best, and it was a very generous gift that showed how much she liked her. She even went to the trouble of teaching Rose how to use the laptop which made her very likeable.  Suggestions: I assume English is not your first language (it’s not my first language either) because I noticed a few sentences that sounded a little awkward. The one that stood out the most was when Rose found out that her aunt was going to stay for a month and this filled a sense of immense pleasure in her mind. I understood what you were saying here, but the sentence didn’t read quite right. Maybe something simple like, “and that made her very happy” would work better here because it sounds more natural. It was also quite noticeable that there was hardly any dialogue. Rose said a couple of sentences to her aunt at the beginning, and at the end she talked to Andrew on Facebook, but in between, for example during her birthday party, you told the story without any dialogue. I think it might be a good idea to include a bit more - you could have her greeting her guests, or one of her relatives could tell her what a nice party it was, or something like that. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation that would disrupt the flow, just a few sentences here or there would break up the narrative. Just an idea  Having said that, when you do include dialogue, watch out for different people speaking or acting. Every time that happens, you need to start a new paragraph, like in the passage where she talks to Andrew: With quivering fingers, she typed “ Hi “ in the chat box. After a few seconds a reply “ Hi” came back. Rose typed, “ Can you recognize me?” There needs to be a paragraph break after each of these sentences as a different person ‘speaks’ in each of them.  Final Thoughts: I liked the idea of the story, and Rose came across as a nice girl who was grateful for the presents and the party and very excited to have a new laptop, like most teenagers would. You have some nice descriptions and interesting characters, and if you work a little on making the narrative sound more natural, you’ll have a really good story here.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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