  Comedy
This week: It's The End of the World As We Know It? Edited by: Sophurky  
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When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: BYE
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Armageddon/recent#ixzz1McmrQvtY
Hi, I'm Sophurky ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. This week will might be my last newsletter since I think the world is supposed to end on May 21, 2011. No wait ... maybe it's October 21, 2011? Or is it December 21, 2012, like the Mayans said? I have no idea but maybe together we'll figure it out!  |
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When the Heck is the World Going to End?!?
Editors note: This subject matter of this newsletter is not intended to offend anyone who actually believes that Judgment Day will occur on May 21 and the world will end on October 21 -- it is intended for comedic
| ... err, hopefully this will be funny! |
If you've been driving in your car
| (Helpful hint: If you think there is any chance you may not be raptured on May 21, might I suggest you not ride around in a car with someone who probably WILL be raptured, so as to avoid an accident. Instead, offer to drive the car. Much safer that way, trust me.) |
"The Rapture - May 21, 2011"
and beneath that,
"The End of the World - October 21, 2011."
Or maybe you've seen the one that says:
"He's Coming Again!
May 21, 2011"
with a Christmassy background and the wise men following a star.
These aren't just popping up down in the Bible Belt, believe me. They've been spotted in the northeast as well as big cities like Chicago and LA (if you've seen them in a country other than the US, I'd love to hear about it). Haven't seen one yet? Well thank goodness you found this newsletter so that you can be prepared for the big day!
Okay, so, according to this web site , the "rapture" is going to happen this coming Saturday, May 21, 2011. The "rapture" is also known as "judgment day" by some, and the gist is that "true believers" will be "raptured" on May 21, and the rest of "us" (myself certainly included, especially after writing this newsletter!) will be "left behind." Apparently this "rapturing" will happen in very inconvenient ways. For instance there are examples mentioned about two people being together and one
| The good people who follow all the rules and never sin and always wear clean underwear. |
| The bad people who drink and dance and make fun of the rapture. |
According to this same web site, after the rapture the world will end six months later, destroyed by fire on October 21, 2011. These dates are based on mathematical calculations (using an abacus, I presume) related to the date of creation (11,013 BC, according to the site), the date of the "great flood" and Noah's Ark (4990 BC, according to the site), and the year 1988 (I believe this is because it was the year the first "Die Hard" movie came out, but I could be wrong). Now it should be pointed out that the people who are claiming the rapture will occur on May 21 and the world will end on October 21 are the same ones who told us the world would end in 1994 (which, just to be clear, didn't happen). However they evidently rechecked their math (and perhaps replaced their abacus with a slide rule?) and revised the expiration date on our global milk carton to 2011, claiming that 1988 was not the end of the world after all, but instead was the year that the pre-rapture tribulation began. So the new date of destruction is now October 21, 2011.
Now, I am confused about all of this for a variety of reasons. For instance, I could of sworn the world is supposed to end on 12/21/12, right? At least that's what the Aztecs, Incas, Mayans, Nostradamus, John Cusack, and a few aliens have told me. Supposedly the world will experience some sort of cataclysmic event on the winter solstice, December 21, 2012, and while some believe the planet will be destroyed completely, others believe it will be the beginning of a "new age" for humanity. (I vote for the "others" in this scenario because frankly, I'd prefer the world still be around after 2012 so that one day, maybe, the Cubs could finally win the World Series!)
Whatever the case, the 2012'ers date is more than a year later than 2011'ers, so which is it? I'd really like to get it on my calendar because, well, I like to put important things like that on my calendar. So if any of you can let me know the actual, true, "it's really going to happen" date, please let me know. I'll make it worth your while by sending you some GP's as a little thank you! |
Much to my surprise, there were not many "comedy" or "satire" items on the site about the end of the world, judgment day, the rapture, Armageddon, the apocalypse, etc. Here are the few I did manage to find -- remember, if you read and enjoy them, please leave a rating/review for the member!
| |  | Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1777246 by Not Available. |
| | | Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1311454 by Not Available. |
| | | Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1567592 by Not Available. |
| | | Invalid Item
This item number is not valid.
#1497715 by Not Available. |
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Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
https://www.Writing.Com/go/nl_form
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Now for two comments from my last Comedy Newsletter, "Comedy Newsletter (April 20, 2011)" :
From LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi Sophy!
This must be the hardest newsletter to write every year - there isn't much funny about the Taxman. Both your anecdote and your presentation were funny, and I really enjoyed reading it. 
-- Laura
Thanks - glad you enjoyed it!
     
From miller.ck
On the dark side, it was really a refund, it was just them paying us back money
was=wasn't
Um, okay -- thanks for pointing that out.
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, Robert Waltz  and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! Sophurky
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Comedy: May 18, 2011 Issue [#4395]
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