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Comedy: February 10, 2016 Issue [#7464]

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Comedy


 This week: Just Another Day
  Edited by: Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  Open in new Window.

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?
         -Jarod Kintz

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

         -Ernest Hemingway

On Valentine's Day, the Spirit Club plastered the school with red streamers and pink balloons and red and pink hearts. It looked like Clifford the Big Red Dog ate a flock of flamingos and then barfed his guts up.
         -Carolyn Mackler


Word from our sponsor

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Letter from the editor

Sigh.

Here we are again. Another drear February in another gray winter.

I don't know what it is about the particular shade of red they use in V-Day displays, but there's something about it that makes me want to run screaming off a tall cliff. I never minded Yuletide red so much - that's a pure red, a primary red, devoid of abyssal overtones and, thus, controversy.

But Valentine's red? Even when I was partnered up, blissfully or otherwise, something about that particular shade of crimson, like the stain on the side of a wounded polar bear or the crater of a boiling volcano, thrust ants under my skin and gave them a spot of cloying, diabetic sweetness to scramble for.

I'm not ragging on love, here. Love is a great thing, even romantic love. It's second only to comedy in the hierarchy of human achievements, or perhaps a near third after comedy and beer. Beer is, in fact, the only thing I know of that's made me as happy as love, and as miserable the next morning. Comedy ushers in no such hangovers, and that's why I put it in first place.

No, my ire is reserved for that most odious of holidays, that day of forced romancing and eggshell-walking ("what if I don't give them enough chocolate? What if I give them TOO MUCH?"), the first marketing push after the Christmas retail explosion. Valentine's Day.

But I've got nothing against the poor salespeople, who are just trying to make a living. That's why I propose that, instead of making the focus of the day the saccharine expression of love, let's make it about something that no one could possibly have a problem with: Baby Animal Day.

I'll list a few reasons why Valentine's Day is a bad idea and Baby Animal Day is a good one, and illustrate each with a link to pictures of baby animals.

*Bullet* Valentine's Day commemorates St. Valentine, who may or may not have been a single person, which is fine, but a whole lot of people observe the day who aren't Catholic.

Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/jzeydtn

*Bullet* People who aren't in romantic relationships get shortchanged on Valentine's Day, but V-Day itself is not a good enough reason to get into a relationship.

Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/hc29p8c

*Bullet* People who *are* in relationships find themselves at odds with each other, yet still feel pressure to perform on V-Day. Marriage on the rocks? Go out for a candlelit dinner anyway.

Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/jq3qzcd

*Bullet* V-Day is a transparent attempt by retailers to guilt you into spending all your money before you've even paid off the credit card bills for December.

Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/z4rph5l

*Bullet* Need to eat out on V-Day because you're traveling, but you're alone? Out of luck you are.

Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/jos4hm3

*Bullet* Candles, romantic as they may be, have been known to start house fires.

Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/oolxt4o

So this year, instead of pretending to be more in love than you actually are, hug a baby animal instead. The rewards are immeasurable.

And if you really *are* in love, my condolences - but you don't need a special day to prove it.


Editor's Picks

Some decidedly not love stories.

 Summer Of Sir Grapefellow Open in new Window. [E]
Misadventures in Healthy eating
by Johnny Guano Author Icon


 Miner's Dilemma Open in new Window. [13+]
Western Miner meets his match.
by Bluesman Author Icon


 Veggies Open in new Window. [E]
Dialog at a restaurant
by rosewater49 Author Icon


 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 
Say Cheese Open in new Window. [E]
Rats take over Wall Street.
by Teargen Author Icon


 Gold Clause Open in new Window. [18+]
The Dialogue 500.A beautiful woman tries to trick a leprechaun out of his gold.
by Molly Author Icon

 
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Word from Writing.Com

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Don't forget to support our sponsor!

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Ask & Answer

Last time, in "Dear DiaryOpen in new Window., I chronicled the adventures of someone living in a bird sanctuary.

Whata SpoonStealer Author Icon: *Rolling*

         Well, if I'm only going to get one comment, at least it's a well-thought-out, loquacious, and appreciative one.

So that's it for me for this horrible month - see you in March! Until then,

LAUGH ON!!!



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