  Comedy
This week: Customer Disservice Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
-Frank Carson
The telecom industry pretends like it's not getting paid.
-Chad Hurley
The truth is, we're all cyborgs with cell phones and online identities.
-Geoff Johns |
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You might have heard that, when you're stuck in a phone maze for a business, you should just say "representative" to get a (human) representative. In fact, you almost definitely have heard that. Which is why businesses have started to discontinue that feature. But I found its replacement - read on!
A couple of months ago, my home internet provider, whose name I shall not mention but which rhymes with "Bomb Blast," raised my monthly fee. I called them to see if they could give me a deal.
"Oh, sure," said the chirpy harridan on the other end of the call. "For just $20 more a month plus taxes, fees, and surcharges, you can also get... Cable TV!"
"...but I don't want cable TV," I replied.
"We offer over 500 channels including ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN3, and ESPiNfinity..."
"Never had cable. Not starting now."
Tempted as I was to have them cancel my "service" right then and there, I exercised restraint. It was a good thing I did, or I might have been without internet. You see...
...I started looking at other options for internet service. There's a high-speed fiber service that operates right here in my city! And it costs less than the new rate Bomb Blast was charging me! ...And, of course, they're in every neighborhood in the city except mine.
Only one option left: the phone company.
Now, I haven't dealt with the actual phone company in something like 15 years. I had an alternative carrier, which is no longer in my area, and then I completely unplugged the stupid thing I wasn't using. During that time, the local phone company has changed hands approximately 586 times. I contacted the latest operation, and the nice service rep said they could have someone out as soon as Monday! (It was like Thursday when I called.) "Yes, the technician will be there sometime between 8 am and 5 pm on Monday to set up your modem and get you started!"
I'm sure everyone can be home all day waiting around for a technician, with two business days' notice, right? But it was a hell of a lot cheaper than my current internet, with or without the useless-to-me cable, so I was all, "Great! Thanks!"
Monday came along. I made sure to be awake and alert at 8 - which, by the way, usually only happens when I'm out west in Vegas and my brain thinks it's 11. Didn't really expect anything, just enjoyed what I figured would be my last few hours of Bomb Blast.
Lunchtime came along. I ordered delivery so I wouldn't have to leave the house. Another reason I can't live without internet. Anyway, no word from phone company.
Hung around and played video games.
Around 4:00 I started getting hungry again, and was out of beer, so had to go to the grocery store. Beer is the one thing it's difficult to get delivered, and it's the one thing I don't want to go without. So occasionally, I have to physically remove myself to a different location, one with... people... around. Then the checkout people have to ask me how my day's going, what's my T-shirt about, etc. I'm usually polite. And then they'll say something like "Thanks! Come back soon!"
"You too!" ...Dammit. Cringe. Walk of shame.
And don't talk at me like "use the self-checkout machines." Those never work for me. And besides, remember the "beer" part? Some 17-year-old has to come over and physically check my ID, because gray hair and wrinkles won't cut it in this state. Because of meth, I suppose.
So I avoid dealing with people whenever possible. Therefore, when 5:00 came and went with nary a peep from the phone company, I just shrugged and said "Well, maybe Bomb Blast isn't so bad." To myself.
Saturday morning - five days later - a phone call wakes me up. "Hello, we're coming over to install your internet."
"No you're not." The problem with smartphones is you can't really slam them. You listening to me, Apple and Samsung? You'd make a boatload of money with a slammable smartphone.
But then - THEN - the following week, I get a bill from the phone company. A bill. For service I never received.
I took a few moments to achieve serenity, then called them. In contrast to the time I was actually looking to hook up new service, this time, all I got was "...if you'd like to make a payment, press or say 1, or visit us at www-dot-longandeasilymisspelledurl-dot-com-slash [edited for length]. If you want to know your balance due, press or say 2..." and on and on.
Around 5 or 6, I interrupted the litany. "Representative," I said, as clearly as I could.
Pause. Then, "We're sorry, we did not understand your last input." Whirr. Click. "If you'd like to make a payment, press or say 1..."
I raised my voice a notch and made sure I was speaking directly into my phone's mic. "Representative," I repeated.
Pause. "We're sorry, we did not underst-"
And that's when I hit upon the Magic Words.
"Connect me to a goddamn human!" I shouted.
Pause. "Connecting to a representative..."
So there you have it, folks. The new Magic Words, which will probably last for about a month before companies stop programming a response to that, too. Oh, you don't like to curse? Well, then, you're welcome to stay in Phone Maze Hell if you want. But take it from a sailor's son: even if it doesn't work on the phone, it's remarkably calming and focusing for you. Try it sometime.
There's more, by the way. I could tell you how they tried to get me to reschedule the technicians, but you wouldn't believe me. It's true, though. Look, if I asked you out on a date, and said I'd be by sometime Monday, and then I not only didn't show up, but didn't call, text, email, IM, or send a carrier pigeon, and then I called you on Saturday and said "I'm ready for that date now," you'd laugh in my face, right? Well, actually, people laugh in my face the moment I ask them out on a date, but that's a different story.
Or I could tell you how they tried to get me to pay for the modem, which they said they sent, and only backed down when I asked for the package's tracking number and they couldn't give it to me. Because they'd never sent it.
Today, I received another letter from them. It says on the envelope, "Invoice Enclosed." Now, they promised to send me one more invoice with everything zeroed out. I'm hoping that's what this is. But I'm not betting on it - which is why I'm writing this editorial before opening it; otherwise, all you'd see is a long, unbroken string of words that my father would have beaten me senseless for using.
Besides, I'll need material for next month's editorial. |
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Last time, in "Out of Bounds" , I talked about taking comedy too far.
Quick-Quill  : BGT had a 3rd place winner from Mil-OW-WEE Africa. He made fun of Africans in Britain. He was hilarious watch him on youtube. It was the first time I've seen a black comedian make fun of their roots. Pollacks got a bad rap years ago and we all have to laugh at the Ole and Swen jokes. Laugh at yourself and you'll get a long with people, get offended and you're not any fun. Often times you aren't invited out with the group.
I once looked into the origin of Polish jokes, and discovered this: They derived from the dawn of WW2, when Nazi Germany was invading Poland. The image of Polish farmers with their pitchforks and kitchen knives, or whatever improvised weapons were at hand, against rampaging Panzer tanks got them the reputation of, shall we say, bringing a knife to a gunfight. But put yourself in their shoes for a moment: you're looking at the most effective, organized military force industrialized Europe can come up with, about to attack your home, and all you have are farm tools. Sure, you can just roll over and let the invaders take what they want. Or you fight as best you can with what you have. To stand and fight for your homeland against an overwhelming force isn't called stupidity; it's called bravery.
Or, you know, you can just trust Nazi propaganda.
Anyway, it got me thinking about stereotypes and how they can be completely wrong.
And that's it for me for July - see you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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Comedy: July 26, 2017 Issue [#8409]
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