The Skunk Ape's Tale

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosopy."
Wm. Shakespeare


The Skunk Ape's Tale

Harken my darlings and I'll tell you a tale
Of me and the Skunk Ape on the Tamiami Trail.
It was in September 2005.
I swear it's all true. Why should I lie?
I'll give you the story now without fail.



I had pulled off the road from a trip to Miami.
Coming back home to Naples while it was light.
The roadmarker said I was in Ochopee,
The world's smallest postoffice ahead in my sight.
The postmistress had lowered the flag for the day.
I'd just take a breather then be on my way.
The Everglades sunset blazed orange and red.
Perhaps that last cocktail had gone to my head.
I suppose I could have had coffee instead.


I heard rustling in the bushes off to my right.
Then out from the cattails the incredible sight
Of a tall hairy creature standing nearly six feet
And reeking of dead fish and rank spoiled meat.
I wanted to run and I wanted to flee,
But this hideous monster put its hand out to me
And in a feminine voice said, "Hello, please,
I must apologize about the smell
But living in the swamp is sometimes pure hell.


They call me the Swamp Ape, or so I've been told.
My real name is Irma but it's been many a year
Since anyone's called me that," and wiping a tear
She plopped her hairy butt down on the ground.
"I moved to this swamp when I was fifty years old.
And I'd like to make one thing perfectly clear:
I ain't been lost and don't want to be found.


I used to be sweet, soft, steady and stable,
Then menopause came and changed everything.
I had massive hot flashes and violent mood swings.
I was no longer efficient, no longer able
To be a lean mean working machine.
My husband Leon split the scene
with a no-count bimbo without any class.
But she had man-made boobs and an implanted ass.
I had put that man through medical school
And the jerk turned around and made me a fool.
But here in Big Cypress I have peace, at last.


I've learned to hunt, and fish, and to steal
Food from the tourists when I need a meal.
Every night I sleep under the stars.
So who needs Leon? At least my tits are real.
I've finally gotten over my emotional scars.
But once in a while I get a yen
for good conversation and pizza again.
You seemed to be the kind of woman who might
Bring me the news and Domino's some night."


When I travel along Highway 41
When my work is over and my day is done
I take a few moments before going home
And look for Irma, a woman alone.
I bring her a pizza with extra cheese,
the New York Times and I try to squeeze
an extra minute or so to again hear the tale
of the mysterious Skunk Ape of the Tamiami Trail.


Note: There have been many reported sightings of the "Swamp Ape" along the Tamiami Trail in Florida, and at other sites in other states. Cryptozoologists have been searching for verifiable proof of the "Swamp Ape's" existence.
The scientific literature seems biased that the creature is male. I leave the Writing.com community to arrive at their own conclusions.