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The days of Michelle's life as a wife, mother, daughter, employee |
| I'm Michelle, a 40-year old mother of 3 with the newest addition joining me in a second marriage. My first 2 kids split their time between our house and their father's which has worked out well for us. I am working full-time in the computer field, which I love but writing is my passion and hopefully someday I can pursue it full-time. About 3 years ago, I was one of the many Americans that lost their job. I worked for a company for 13 years when the Help Desk was outsourced. Since then it has been a bumpy ride but not without small successes. And through it all I have started writing again! |
| I'm so lucky to have such a handsome and wonderful husband. He goes out of his way to make this a special day for me. I got a dozen roses in a beautiful vase sent to my work. He is making dinner tonight and I know the table will be set as if we were at a fancy restaraunt. He wished me Happy Valentine's Day first thing in the morning with a kiss. I'm lucky and blessed and I also ache for those that don't have that love in their life. I wish for my mom, a companion, for my sister, love where she doesn't expect it, and for my friend that just lost her husband before Christmas, strength to get through today and courage with a smile. Love to all. |
| We met at the restaurant for a nice lunch for my daughter, Alyssa's, 16th Birthday. She brought her best friend, Breanna, and we met my sister, Lisa and her little girl, Emmma, 5. We waited for my mother, ordered appetizers and then decided to go ahead and order while keeping watch for her. We were almost finished with lunch when mom made her typical, fashionably late enterance. I must have inherited that from her as I struggle to be on time for work or appointments. She sat down all smiles apologizing the whole time for being late. She loves to get together with us and shop, even if it's just window shopping. We talked and learned the daily nuances of each other's lives. It's only interesting to family. As Lisa recalled a time when she had hurridly entered my surprise 40th birthday dinner, late which is not her fault as she has to dress the entire family, 3 kids and her husband beside herself, when Alyssa whispered that she should go to the bathroom and turn her shirt inside out and put it on frontwards, instead of backwards. Laughter filled the table as we giggled, tears starting to pour down my face, making my mascara run. Then mom talks of a time at work that happened to her in her giddy voice, when a co-worker told her that her shirt was backwards and inside out. As her eyes lit up to tell of another encounter when she got to work only to notice she was wearing 2 different pairs of shoes, not even the same height. Trying to control my laughter and shaking my head, I told her that she might not want to mention that ever again as Alyssa nearly fell off her chair laughing. When the waiter came back to clear our plates, he asked if everything was ok as he noticed the big, black globs around my eyes from the tears of laughter. We toasted to a better year. Lisa just signed papers to make her divorce final. My mom had moved to Illinois a year ago from Florida, always struggling but always positive and announced that she was going to find a man this year, over the internet, no less. This scares me on many levels even though I wish she had someone to share her life with. And me, in my second year of marriage to my second husband struggling financially. It has to be a better year. Our shopping trip was not as long as planned since the lunch ended up twice as long while we waited for my mom to finish her lunch and then we had cake! I'm sure in years to come, I will not remember if I bought anything at that shopping trip but I will always remember the table, where we all sat and talked and laughed until we cried, as all girls often do. |
| I wrote this short poem for a boy I never knew. I found it when I came across one of my old journals. His name was Travis. Friday morning, hurridly, on my way to work when I noticed along the side of the road a tennis shoe, bike and bookbag. "Odd," I thought. "Why would a child stop there?" The shoe looked new in the short time I had to glance at it. I continued on my way to work, not giving it a second thought. The next day in the paper I read the story about an 8-year old boy who was riding his bike to school when he was struck by a car and killed. And the driver never stopped. The spot where he was killed was exactly where I had noticed the tennis shoe, bike and bookbag. I couldn't speak and I started trembling. I took the paper out to my husband, Sean and pointed to the story. "I drove by him, I saw his stuff on the side of the road," barely audible over my cries. "I should have stopped or called the police," I said frantically. "How could you have known that a boy was there," Sean said as he wrapped his arms around me. I slumped into his chest, tears flooding his shirt. Then I selfishly thought how I would handle seeing a child possibly dead or dying. Maybe I could have comforted him so he would not have died alone. "How could someone do that? How could someone drive away knowing they hit a child on a bike?" I cried all day and when they started a fund to cover the funeral expenses at the local bank, I contributed though it did not fill the emptiness I felt for him. The police did catch the driver from a name that someone called in. There were no follow-up stories, only the images of Travis and his tennis shoe, bike and bookbag will be forever with me. I wonder how many passed by And didn't notice The lone bike The one, new tennis shoe And bookbag Laying on the side of the road I wonder how many passed by And did see Something that just wasn't right Is compassion and love lost? Some too involved Was I in such a hurry To brush it off Such a fragile life A child A tragic end To die alone I wonder who? I wonder how? But most of all I wonder why. |
| People that work out but take the elevator up a flight of stairs. (Why why?) Men shop for vehicles like women shop for anything. (They check out things like cup holders and gadgets like women look at shoes and purses.) People that stay in the far left lane on the interstate even when they're not passing anyone. (The far left lanes are for passing only. Work with me people!) A lone shoe in the middle of the road. (Who loses a shoe on a road?) Trying to open the car door to get out when you know it's locked. (I do this every morning while looking at the handle and still trying to open it.) People rushing through grocery isles, picking out items and talking to themselves. (oh wait, that was me!) |
| It is for me! It has to be. Usually I let the New Year pass without much thought. To me, if I feel I need to make a change in my life I'm more apt to do it at any time during the year and why make a commitment for the sake of making a commitment and be setup to fail. I know this is not necessarily the way it happens all the time but that was my thought. This year however, I am taking time to make it a new and better year. I'm desperately trying to get a direct hire or more permanent job. My contract expires 2/15/2006 which is a constant distraction and source of anxiety for me now. I am taking steps to unclutter my desk, my mind and my life so I can breathe which means being more organized and not letting things get so bad that I feel utter hopelessness and a fear that nearly paralyzes me. I will do something every week to make my husband, Sean's life better. He does so much for me from having my coffee waiting for me in the bathroom when I wake up to cooking me dinner every night. He starts my car every morning in the winter and helps me get my things to the car. He makes the bed while I am getting ready for work. He knows when something is bothering me and listens and consoles me. He holds me when I need a hug and stops whatever he is doing to focus only on me. He opens doors for me and when he puts his hand against the small of my back, in his gentleness, I feel a secure sense that he loves me completely. I am fiercely independent and need a strong personality to balance with and lean on when I'm weak. He is my best friend. I will be more giving and help others less fortunate. I'm sure I will slip now and again but I will whine less about my problems and open up to others. I've found that when I help someone else out, a friend, family or stranger that it takes some of the burden off what I'm feeling about my problems. And there are worse things and situations I could be in and I am thankful for all that I have. I have been blessed with family and friends that care about me and my family. Those ties are a constant source of strength. I will listen more. I will do more. I will take care of my well-being as I cannot help others if I am not the best I can be. I will love more and be less selfish. I will make sure my family always knows that they mean the world to me and I cannot live without them. I will wear my "good" panties that are in the back of my drawer and I will take the time to enjoy the sun, wind, trees and all the little miracles that happen every day like my daughter's giggle. I will smile more and frown less because smiles are contagious and they just make ya feel good. :) Seems like a tall order but I know once I start, the rest will fall into place. It has to be a better year because I am a better me. And I'm writing more! Cheers and here's hoping this is a better year for everyone! |
| We're going on a guilt trip! Mothers are very good at making their children feel guilty. And they pass it onto their daughters. And this goes on way beyond childhood. My mother can still make me feel guilty and I have 3 children of my own! I used to wonder why she did that and now as a mother, I know why. Mothers feel their own guilt all the time. My own guilt in having to take my baby to the sitter and not be able to stay home with her even though she enjoys being around the other children there and plays wildly but I have to work. Then I feel guilty that I have to work. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty because I work. See the cycle? Mothers have so much guilt they have to pass some onto their children now and then. I want the best for my children and I try to make the best decisions for their care and safety and worry I did something wrong and then feel guilty about it. Simple things like what to make her for dinner then feeling guilty because she didn't like it and I should have made something else. It never ends. And now I have to go shopping for Christmas presents and I feel guilty I'm not home with my baby instead of shopping and feeling guilty that I spent too much money and feeling guilty that I didn't get them enough......And the guilt goes on. |
| I hate classes and I know we are luckier than some but lately I've been overwhelmed with finances. I'm in a constant state of panic.. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay the bills and to the point where my anxiety paralyzes me from doing anything. Credit card bills, car payments, diapers, child care, formula that costs 23 dollars a can (and we go through almost 2 a week,) the price of gas, house payment and utility bills eat both of our paychecks. I had my first panic attack last week while at work. I almost had to tell my lead that I had to leave for awhile but if I did that, I wouldn't be paid for that time and ironically that's why I was panicked, money or lack of it. At least Christmas holiday is Friday and Monday which means I'll get paid for 4 days for the next 2 weeks instead of only 3 days like over Thanksgiving break. I'm a contractor and do not have the time in yet to get paid for holidays. A contractor, a position I started a couple months ago after being let go unexpectedly from a company. It was a mad dash to find another job but luckily this position was available. It's through February and hopefully I'll have something more permanent by then. Until that happens, I have a sick feeling all day long, to the point where I'm almost physically sick. Some days I don't eat any breakfast or lunch, my feet tap a hundred times a minute and I ball up my hands so tight, my fingernails cut into my palms and I hope the face I painted doesn't show the trauma I feel below the surface. I sigh a lot, sometimes so loudly it shocks me. I panic when the phone rings and when we get the mail. I tear up at the smallest sadness. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I'm a mother, I make sacrifices. I haven't gotten a hair cut in months. I've just been trimming my bangs. When my skin cleanser runs out, I cut the top open to use every last bit. I haven't bought new pressed power. I've been using cotton balls of loose powder in a used compact and using sample mascaras I've saved. I give my kids my last five dollars and go without. I'm using lotion from a hotel we stayed at last year. I drink water instead of pop. I'm wearing an old bra I hope lasts another year and the one pair of jeans I can still wear. I didn't get any gifts for the Angel Tree this year. I usually get 2 names. I want to make sure I have enough for gifts for my angels. I don't want anything for Christmas and I'll probably get more than I deserve. My mind won't stop and the 45 minutes commute only makes me dwell on my problems more. I need to get rid of the clutter and I don't know how. I feel like I'm sinking more than I'm swimming most days. But we are wealthy in love, health and happiness. I have a husband who gets up in the morning to make sure I am up for work, who starts my car for me even when he doesn't work and could sleep in. We're all healthy minus a few colds or flu. We can laugh together as a family at the dinner table. I have kids that I cherish and adore and a husband that I cannot live without. At least I have a job and a car and a house. I wish we would win the lotto or I could sell the book that's in my mind that I can't write because I'm a great procrastinator and a perfectionist to the point that the smallest detail, like where to start, stops me from even beginning. I want to tell my story in the hope that it touches people and hopefully will give another courage or inspiration to survive and live. I've been through abuse, drugs, suicide, divorce and now, at 40 feel like I am just starting my life. I find myself envious of celebrities, singers, the person at the checkout line paying in cash or the one that confidently hands over a credit card to the cashier. I wonder what it would be like not to have to worry about money or how we were going to pay our bills. Will we ever be there? I hope I have enough anxiety pills to get me through the week so I can work another week and another week and another week. I pray all the time. Please God help us. |
| My fear has paralyzed me. I am constantly sick to my stomach, sometimes breaking out in a sweat with skin flushes, worrying about paying bills. credit. I have no job security though grateful to be working as a contractor and making decent money. I feel financially overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. Then I read a remarkable story of two boys and I'm suddenly shameful. The simple pleasure of listening to the radio makes me feel guilty thinking about what they went through and sufferred and how many other children are suffering. I'm lucky. I'm blessed and I'm grateful. My children are healthy and safe. Thinking about the abuse makes me and saddens my heart. I suffered a different abuse as a child but nothing as horrific. There goes my bleeding heart again, emotions so pronounced, they show through me physically. We have to help the children. No child should suffer abuse and yet courts are constantly giving children back to parents because of a biological bond. We have to be their voice. Support Safe Kids Foundation and make a difference. Change a life; save a life. God bless. |
| You know it's winter when: No bugs, flies, gnats or bees, try to fly in your home when you open the door. (Thank goodness! I hate bugs!) You have to get out the "winter coat." (Everyone in the Northern states has at least one and several others used for varying degrees of temperature.) You have to let the car "warm up." (Who wants to sit in a cold car while it warms up! Note to self, add Remote Starter to Christmas List.) Everything metal you touch gives you a shock. (No kidding, it really hurts!) Your skin gets so dry it cracks. (Fortunately, this doesn't happen to me often but I should buy stock in the lotion makers.) You're excited about 40 degree days and ecstatic when the wind doesn't blow. (Yes, this really happens; it's like being glad that gas is $2.11.) Weather reports include "Wind Chill" temperatures. (Like we need to know that! The temperatures are scary enough!) Nights get longer and days get shorter. (We need vitamin D from the sunshine so it can get depressing.) At least once a day someone asks you, "Is it cold enough for ya?" (Here's your sign!) Colds circulate through the office and families like wildfire and flu shots are given at every doctor's office. (Actually, this happens at our house, all year round.) You nose starts to run at the first blast of cold air and it turns red. (I'm not joking.) You have to stop at the store for salt and it's not the kind for food. (This wreaks havoc on decks and driveways but is necessary.) Instead of high heels, you opt for socks and a good pair of boots! (With high heals in tow.) The snow blower replaces the lawn mower in the shed or garage. (And then wait for the last flakes to fall or you'll just be doing it again.) School is called off because of snow. (My kids get up early just to listen to the radio for school closings and if it happens, it's like Christmas to them.) You're late for work because traffic was backed-up due to an accident. (Everyone forgets how to drive at the first snow. It happens; It's a rule.) You didn't shovel and now the snow is so hard-packed it's hard to maneuver over. (I didn't know snow could actually make a crunch sound.) You actually witness birds flying South. (I guess my teacher was right.) Yep, it's winter. |
| What is it about the first snow that makes people forget how to drive? I got stuck in traffic on the interstate due to an accident which caused a major backup. We're talking about miles of cars and trucks. I was able to get off an exit early when I would have come to a complete stop but it was still slow going due to traffic so I was almost a half hour late. And it just went downhill from there. Now, a lull in the calls, looking out the window, the snow is much prettier from in the office than it was from in my car. I feel like I'm in a snow globe as I watch the big white flakes float to the ground. A lone leaf clings to the branches of a bare tree, defying gravity and mother nature as the wind gusts to push snow from the roof in bunches. Snow tufts, like cotton, stick to the crevices in branches as they wave in the light wind. All I can think is that this is God's work and what a beautiful picture he painted before me and remind me to put my life in his hands so the stresses wash off my shoulders and I can take a deep breath and go on, lighter in my step, warmth in my heart and a smile on my soul. I am the lone leaf. |
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