A SpongeBob SquarePants Christmas

*SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick are standing behind a brick wall*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, it's Christmas time again. I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up being depressed.
Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Sandy's right. Of all the SpongeBob SquarePantses in the world, you're the SpongeBob SquarePantsiest.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I better go. I gotta go check to see if someone sent me a Christmas card! *checks mailbox* Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season . I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? *Larry comes walking by* Thanks for the Christmas card, Larry!
Larry: I didn't send YOU a Christmas card, SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants: DON'T YOU KNOW SARCASM WHEN YOU HEAR IT?!?
I think I need some advice... *notices Sandy’s psychology stand* Maybe Sandy can help! Hey, Sandy... I’m depressed about Christmas.
Sandy:I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What is it you want?
Sandy: Real Estate.
Anyway, let’s see what you’re afraid of.. Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypegyenphobia.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don’t think that’s quite it.
Sandy: How about cats? If you’re afraid of cats, you have ailurophobia.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What’s a cat?
Sandy: Well, that ain’t it... Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you’ve climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean.
SpongeBob SquarePants: How can I be afraid of the ocean? I LIVE here!
Sandy: OK. Or gephyrphobia, which is fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What’s that?
Sandy: Fear of everything.
SpongeBob SquarePants: THAT’S IT!!!
Sandy: Fine then... How about this year YOU get to be the director of the Christmas play?
SBSP: REALLY!?! OK!!!
*a few hours later everyone is at the Christmas play to rehearse; Squidward, who suddenly started idolizing Ludwig Von Beethoven, is playing Christmas songs with his clarinet*
Squidward: This is the Christmas music I have set for the play. *plays Fur Elise*
Sandy: What kind of music is THAT?
Squidward: Beethoven Christmas music.
Sandy: What’s so great about Beethoven? Everyone talks about how GREAT he was. He wasn’t so great.

Squidward: What d’you mean, Beethoven wasn’t so great?
Sandy: He never got his picture on a bubble gum card. Have you ever seen his picture on a bubble gum card? Hmmm? How can you say someone is great who's never had his picture on a bubble gum card?
Squidward: Good grief... *Gary comes walking by, and kisses Sandy*
Sandy: AUGHH!!! I’VE BEEN KISSED BY A SNAIL!!! I HAVE SNAIL GERMS!!! Get some hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!!! HEY! Here comes our director! *SpongeBob SquarePants enters*
Larry: SpongeBob SquarePants is our director?!?
Sandy: Yeah! Wait... We need a Christmas tree. SpongeBob SquarePants, go get a Christmas tree!
Patrick: I’ll go with you, SpongeBob SquarePants. *they get to the place selling Christmas trees*
SBSP: Look at this one! It.........looks..........GREAT!!! *picks up the smallest one they had* Let’s get back to the play!
*Back at the Play*
Sandy: What’s THAT?!?
SBSP: The Christmas tree!
Sandy: We can’t have a play with that! That tree is tiny!!!
SBSP: It’s not good enough?!? I didn’t think the size of the tree matters, as long as it’s Christmas! ISN’T THERE ANYONE WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?!?
Patrick: I can tell you what the true meaning of Christmas is all about. "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'". That’s the true meaning of Christmas, SpongeBob SquarePants.
SBSP: OK.*SBSP runs back home*
SBSP: Fine, I’ll just put it right here! *sets it down, and puts an ornament on it; the tree tilts to the side* I killed it. EVERYTHING I TOUCH GETS RUINED!!! *everyone else comes to see the tree*
*Patrick puts a blanket around the tree; everyone else puts a bunch of decorations from Gary’s food bowl and put them on the tree*
Everyone: *hums the song, “Hark! The Herald’s Angels Sing”*