Potty Training For The first Time

Potty Training
My oldest son is three years old now and we’ve begun potty training him. I can’t tell you how exciting this is to me. The other day she made me sit and watch the potty training video, the potty training video. Man, I wish we had that video back when I was a kid. All my mother did was rub my nose in it and set me on the newspaper. I was potty trained in one day. Once is all it takes for something like that. The reason we didn’t have that video when I was a kid is because back then there was no video. All we had was audio and the potty training audio tape wasn’t nearly as effective, believe me. We didn’t have pampers when I was a baby either. We had cloth diapers. Remember cloth diapers? We had cloth diapers that were held together with a large, piercing, stainless steel baby pin. You can’t carry those on an airplane now, they’re lethal weapons. You’ll get arrested. For the first two years of my life I had one on each side, mess with me. And by the way, before my son was born it never ever crossed my mind to hold a baby’s butt up to my nose and sniff to see if he needs a diaper change. I looked at that sort of thing as being inhumane. I had seen other people do and I thought to myself, “That’s just stupid. Look at that.” The first time my wife told me to do it, I replied, “You want me to put what, where, and do what?” I won’t do it. I let my dog do it. Sniffing butts is his area of expertise. I kiss my wife’s butt, I don’t sniff it.
So, anyway, back to the potty training. He came up to me the other day and went, “Daddy, I got to go to the bathroom.” So, I took him into the bathroom, I pulled his pants down, stood him up on his little stool, and he started to pee. Only the pee didn’t go in the toilet, the pee went all over the wall behind the toilet. I stuck my hand down there to try and aim it, but I didn’t aim it, I just redirected it, now it’s going all over the bathroom sink. I yelled, “Stop!” and when I did he looked up and went, “What?” Now the pee is going all over my head. In fact, there’s pee going everywhere except in the toilet. So now I’m teaching him how to pee off the front porch. Can’t hit nothing but yard. Only thing is, now he wants to drop his pants and pee everywhere. The other day in the park he dropped his pants in front of everybody and started peeing off the top of the sliding board. The people down below thought it was raining. I just calmly walked away. I got a feeling I’m going to be doing that a lot in the next few months.
And we’ve got him wearing regular underpants now instead of pampers which makes it easy to tell when he’s messed in them. He starts walking like Hank Hill’s dad.