Center of the Seventh Circle

Center of the Seventh Circle

If true love is eternal then I have never experienced it. Whether this is unfortunate or not, I couldn't tell you, but I no longer subscribe to this idealistic assumption. Love may well be eternal, but we are not. Not only do we die, but we change. To continue to love that which changes into something you would not have first loved, for the sake of some twisted sense of moral obligation, should be considered nothing more than fuel for hate.

My contemptuous regard for her represented the unnecessary and detrimental elongation of our “love”. Though it would have seemed unwarranted to any of our friends or family, I loathed her. She was the ideal lover, yet I loathed her. What she meant to me financially was a different story. She came from good stock and I came from drugs, alcohol and the uninformed notion that the “pull-out” method actually works. We were destined for failure from the very start, and the fact that I knew that then doesn't help my case.

Twenty three years. There's your eternity! Twenty three years of pretending to love in order to live an easy life. Taking advantage of her submissiveness, of her “eternal” love, this fucking disease I'd given to her. Her kindness prevailed over all my many, many flaws. I hated her for that too. She was always good, and I was always not. She was always better.

As she lay dying, she gave it all to me. Despite the drinking, the stealing, the yelling, the hitting...she gave it all to me. Eternal love. But now that she's gone, I am left wounded and mocked by a revelation it took until death do us part for me to realize. It wasn't her I loathed, not at all, it was the one person I couldn't get away from without taking drastic measures. So I have.

Give all my things to her family. Please, understand.