I Used To Think I Was

I USED TO THINK I WAS


I suppose that it’s a good thing that we can’t see ourselves as others see us. We’re allowed to have any silly, foolish image of ourselves that we can trick ourselves into believing. For instance, I used to think I was smart. I don’t mean brilliant, but at least a little smarter than the average bear. Turns out I’m not even that smart. Also, I used to think that I made pretty good money, especially when I started out. When you make seventy five cents an hour cropping tobacco and then go to a dollar and ten cents an hour of course you feel rich. I was even richer when I went to work with the phone company. I actually cleared sixty dollars a week.
What’s made me realize this today; that I’m pretty stupid by some standards and that I’ve never made much money by other standards? Reading, that’s what. Most people would tell you that reading is good for you, that it helps to enrich your world and learn other customs and trends. I say not. It’s like reading the warning on the side of a pack of cigarettes. You don’t need to read the warning; you already know that cigarettes are harmful to you yet you go ahead and read it anyway. Now, since you’ve read the warning, your smoking is all screwed up because you have read it, and can’t deny it, and you feel guilty every time you light up.
Reading is what got me in such a funk today. It was cold and windy and I just decided to curl up with some good material and loaf the day away. The first thing I picked up was my weekly Time magazine. I always turn to the section called “Punch Lines” first because I like to start off with a laugh, or two, before I get into the serious stuff. There’s a column that’s always on the side of the page called “Numbers” and usually gives unbelievable percentages and ratios about different stuff. This time it threw me into depression.
The first item I read was that U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is expected to receive $150,000 fee per speech after he retires on Jan. 31. His annual salary was already at $180,000 so I’m sure that he will probably need to give a lot of speeches. I did some quick mental arithmetic and realized that he will make more in one hour of talking than I could make in four years, even in my best of times. Who ever said that “talk is cheap”?
So much for deflating my fantasies of once being rich. I read farther down only to find out that a California student named Leyan Lo solved the Rubik’s Cube puzzle in 11.13 seconds – breaking the prior record of 11.75 seconds. I bought one for my daughter, Trish, when she was around ten years old and I couldn’t even get the plastic wrap off it that fast. Trish finally solved the puzzle after a few months but I never accomplished it. I finally threw it away when she wasn’t looking. Actually, I secretly believe that she peeled the colors off and moved them around.
For the time being I’m going to give up reading anything that isn’t pure fiction and maybe I can fantasize myself back into being rich and smart. I’m afraid that it’s going to be like the cigarette packs, though. I’ve already read it and, in the back of my mind, I know just how low on the totem pole I sit. Just to prove my point, I bet you don’t feel as good as you did when you first decided to read this column.