Innocence, Despair, Happiness

INNOCENCE DESPAIR AND HAPPINESS
BY: Phil Liaboe

Abby had been staring at the table in front of her blankly for a long time. But when she thought about it, she realized she could have been staring at that table anywhere from a couple of minutes, to an hour. Her eyes blinked a few times and she rubbed her temples. After a deep breath she looked around the room she was in. It had white walls, white carpet, and a white couch to sit on, neither gloomy nor cheery, but somewhere in the middle.

Abby folded her arms and felt her warm-up jacket around her. She forgot she had decided to wear it today, but then again she wore it almost everyday. It’s what softball players usually did. Instead of wearing nice dress jackets like the princess girls, they usually wore their warm-up jackets around campus and in class. If someone asked them why, the standard answer was that it was comfortable and they didn’t want to waist time trying to look pretty when their makeup or hair would just be messed up during practice.

But the real reason was something female athletes never talked about. Most wore their warm up jackets, or sweats, or gym clothes around campus because they were bigger than most girls, and embarrassed about it. Abby was a catcher, and that meant she had big hips and thighs. Bigger because they were muscle, but they weren’t what was considered “attractive.”

She shivered and rubbed her sides. It wasn’t exactly cold in here, but not warm either, just somewhere in the middle. But then she relaxed her arms and frowned when she realized she didn’t know why she was here, or even where here was.

Could be a doctors appointment, she thought to herself. This placed looked like a waiting room, even though there were no magazines or newspapers. But it probably was a waiting room, and so she resigned to waiting some more, even though she had probably been there for a long time.

Just then a door opened from across the room. Abby’s head turned to the open door and saw a tall man wearing dark clothes escorting a little girl by the hand. The two walked silently past Abby and out a door behind her. As they passed her, the little girl looked at Abby and smiled at her. Abby waved back, but at the same time gave the little girl a confused look. The little girl looked familiar to Abby, very familiar, but she didn’t know why or how.

The tall dark man opened the door for the little girl and she walked out. Abby glanced at the door which had a bright light behind it. However, it wasn’t that bright, but not dull either, it was somewhere in the middle. Abby turned back to the other door to see what was behind it. But it had already closed and was covered in shadows by the walls and furniture.

“Can I help you miss?” Abby turned and saw the darkly clothed man standing next to her. His voice was calm and quiet, but not too quiet, more like somewhere in the middle.

“Umm, well I guess I have an appointment,” Abby said.

“What is your name?”

“Abby.”

“Do you know the nature of your appointment?” She shook her head.

“Probably a regular check up,” she said. The man nodded and motioned for her to follow him. Abby, a little confused and wierded out by the man, stood up and followed. Her wind pants crackled as her legs brushed against each other. She hated that sound. Every time she showed up late to class, or had to leave early because of a game, she walked out of class feeling like a machine gun was going off in her pants. She always felt everyone’s eyes were piercing her, and she hated drawing that kind of attention to herself.

On the other side of the door was a long, white, hallway. It was a regular looking hallway, except that there weren’t any doors. However, there were several pictures and paintings on each wall, with a small table underneath each one. Abby was surprised because there weren’t any kinds of decorations in the waiting room. She couldn’t help but exam them because it was a stark contrast from the waiting room. She stopped at the first one she saw and smile.

It was a picture of a softball pitcher winding up to throw the ball. The uniform indicated it was a player from the same school she played for, the University of Minnesota.

“Do you like this picture?” said the tall man. Abby was slightly startled, she didn’t hear him stop walking or move behind her.

“Uhh, yeah I do,” she said. “Do you guys get a lot of players from the U or something?” The man shrugged.

“Would it make you trust us more?” he said with a smile. Abby smiled back, but kept her teeth together. She was again wierded out by the question. A simple yes or no would do, but it seemed this guy liked to be mysterious. The man turned and continued down the hall, and Abby followed.

She took a deep breath and shook her head. She noticed he was dressed strangely to be working at a hospital. His dark clothing wasn’t a suit, but just cloth over his skin. There wasn’t a recognizable shirt, or pants, just cloth that hung loosely to his body. She quickened her pace hoping to just get this over with and leave. But then she stopped when she saw the next picture.

It was a picture of a girl facing the camera. She was wearing a batting helmet, a University of Minnesota uniform, and holding a bat. Her face was tilted down, and an older man was standing behind her, his mouth wide open, arms in the air, and an angry expression on his face. Abby put a hand up to her mouth. She looked at the girl and placed a hand to her mouth. She turned around knowing he would be behind her.

“Why do you have this picture here?” she asked firmly. The man looked at her. His expression wasn’t hard, or soft, but somewhere in the middle.

“You don’t like the picture?” he asked.

“It just seems strange to be here. It’s negative?”

“Why?”

“It shows a coach yelling at one of his players,” she said loudly and in disbelief. “First, I find it hard to believe the U would approve of this picture, and second, don’t you know how big of a deal this is?”

“What is the big deal?” he asked plainly.
“Well….” Abby began. “Coaches yell a lot at players when they don’t perform because it usually means they won’t win. Nobody likes to talk about it in the sports world because it makes the coaches look bad. So if you’re an athlete, like me, and you’re yelled at, all you can do is feel bad about it, like you let your coach down, and try to pick yourself up. Every coach yells, but some a lot more than others, and they can be scary at times. You wouldn’t believe what some are yelled at about.”

“Have you ever been yelled at?” Abby stared at him in shock.

“Well…yeah, same as everyone else,” she said hesitantly. “Let’s just keep going.” She took a step and the man turned and continued to walk down the hall. She took another breath and became anxious. Her pants were still cackling and she hoped nobody would appear and see her. Then she placed a hand over her mouth as she yawned, visions of her bed flooding her mind.

“Are you tired?” the man asked. Abby blinked several times.

“I’m always tired during the season,” she said. “Is Dr. Staley gonna be checking my knee today?”

“How do you stay alert for classes and games during a season?” the man asked. Abby pressed her lips together. This was another sensitive subject nobody ever talked about.

“Try to get as much sleep as we can,” she said.

“College students actually get sleep, is that really true?”

“No,” Abby said, and closed her mouth quickly. She didn’t even think, she had just blurted it out. Must be more tired than I thought. Although she didn’t feel that tired, but not exactly alert either, just somewhere in between.

“So what do you do then?” he asked.

“Caffeine, Red Bull, lots of Mountain Dew,” she said plainly.

“Is that all?” he stopped and looked at her in the eyes.

“No,” she said again without thinking.

“What else then?”

“Are you asking me as a doctor?” Abby asked.

“Would that matter?” he said.

“Guess not,” Abby said. “Well, to tell you the truth, a lot of us take caffeine pills, or other stuff like that to stay awake. There are other pills you can take to get wired too. Like “greenies,” they work pretty good. They’ll have you jumping all over the locker room trying to put your jock on like a European who just ate some Mexican Chili.

“Have you ever taken any of these?”

“Yeah,” Abby sighed. “We don’t really have much of a choice. I mean we practice anywhere for four to eight hours a day, and that’s in the fall. We lift weights starting at six AM, and then have regular practice from three to six thirty. During the spring semester, we spend two months doing five AM practices because Basketball is using the gym, and it’s the snow stops us from practicing on our fields. Then when the season starts, on days without games we practice for three to four hours, and days we have games we’re usually at the field from nine in the morning to five or seven at night.”

“Is it really that intense?” he asked without a hint of emotion in his voice.

“Yeah,” Abby said. “It wears you out. I was falling asleep so much during my freshman and sophomore year that my professors were complaining to my coaches. So the coaches told me start taking the caffeine pills and greenies to stay awake.”

“Do they know they’re bad for you?”

“I’m sure they do, but they don’t give a shit,” Abby said bitterly. “They’re paid by the school to win, and if they don’t, they loose their jobs. So they’ll do whatever they can to win, it’s how they feed their family’s, at our expense.”

“So then why do you still play? Why do you put up with it?”

“We kinda have too,” Abby said defensively. “I’m on scholarship, and if I don’t play, I don’t get the scholarship, and I can’t go to school then. School is expensive these days. The reason why I chose to go to the U was because of the scholarship. Money talks ya know.” The man nodded and turned to continue down the hall as if he had heard exactly what he wanted to hear. Abby widened her eyes, shook her head, and began to follow him again, embarrassed by the crackling of her pants.

They reached the end of the hall, and Abby noticed she still hadn’t seen any doors. However, the hallway split and there was another hallway to both her left and right. The one to the left had a door, while the one to the right stretched for a long time, the end nowhere in sight.
But hanging on the wall in front of her was another picture, and the man had paused to look at it.

“Do you see this?” he asked her. Abby moved to look at the picture and suppressed a gasp when she saw it. It was a picture with several jugs of weight gainer formula, protein shakes, and needles. “Why does this shock you?” the man asked.

“It’s just an odd thing to have in a doctor’s office?” Abby said gently.

“Who said this was a doctor’s office?” he said. Abby looked at him and stepped towards the hallway with the door cautiously.

“What is this place then?” she asked firmly. He turned and stared at her. Not a hard stare, or a soft stare, but somewhere in the middle. Abby’s heart started to beat a little faster, and sweat formed on her forehead. The little girl popped into her mind. What did they do to her here? And why did she look so familiar?

“Can you tell me about these things?” the man asked after a few moments of silence. He pointed to the picture.

“Athletes take that stuff to get stronger,” she said. “It helps us play better.”

“Do you like to take that stuff?” he asked. Abby shook her head and looked down, squeezing her eyes shut to hold the tears in.

“No I hate it, but I don’t have a choice,” she said defiantly.

“Why do you hate it?” he asked. Abby shook her head. She was not going to open up to a stranger about this. Not here, and not now. She looked at the door behind her, and then back to the man.
“Why do you hate it?” he asked again a little firmer. Abby clenched her teeth together. She didn’t want to tell, but at the same time she was dying to share this with someone, and it had almost gotten to a point where she would share it with anyone.

“Because of what it does to my body,” she blurted out. “Are you happy?” Tears began to form in her eyes.

“Are you happy?” he asked softly.

“Does it look like I’m happy,” she said sharply. However, she did feel relieved, as if air had been released from her head. So she went on.

“It’s just that,” she began. “I’m not exactly considered pretty. I have bigger than usual hips and arms because I work out a lot. I’ve worked hard to get as good as I’ve become, but this is the result.” She waved her hands across her body.

“Boy’s don’t really like bodies like mine. And sometimes it would be nice to be asked out, considered pretty to someone, or not have everyone assume I’m a lesbian.”

“So what do you see when you look in a mirror?” he asked.

“I see a large woman, thanks for asking,” she said sarcastically. “I took weight gainer, and protein shakes to get stronger, but I grew bigger too.”

“Why did you feel you had to be stronger?”

“Coaches said they want me to hit for more power,” she said. “They challenge me each month to gain a certain amount of weight and strength. Power hitters will help them win. But now I look like this, and when I’m done with softball it will just get worse.”

“Why?”

“Because I won’t be as active, and all this muscle will turn to flab,” she said. “Pretty fuckin sweet huh?”

“Can’t you just work out? Burn off the weight?”

“Sure, but it takes a long time, and the muscle will always turn to flab first,” she said. She suddenly felt embarrassed. She had just opened up to a complete stranger and told him almost everything she was struggling with.

“Look,” she said. “I don’t mean to be rude, but can we just get one with whatever I’m doing here? I need to get back to school and either go to practice or do homework.”

“Do you know why you’re here? He asked. Abby thought for a moment.

“No actually I don’t,” she said quietly. “I don’t know where here is. In fact, I don’t even remember how I got here. I must be really tired.” She rubbed her eyes.

“Can you just try to think for a second?” he asked. Abby dropped her hand and gave him a cynical look.

“Gee why didn’t I think of that,” she said sarcastically. She took another quick breath, and then widened her eyes. The last thing she remembered was standing in her bathroom this morning. She remembered it clearly, but then her next memory brought her here. She remembered taking her greenies after throwing up into the toilet, and the injecting the needle in her arm. She looked at the man, her heart beating a little faster.

“Did you see the little girl I walked out earlier?” he asked. Abby took a step back and placed her hand on the back of her head looking for the scar she had had ever since she was six years old. She shook her head in disbelief.

“Who was she?” Abby demanded.

“Who do you think she was?” he asked.

“No,” Abby yelled. “It’s not possible.” She turned and ran down the hallway that had the door in sight. When she was six years old she had been playing with some friends. They had been trying to climb an old tree. Abby was very high when she stepped on an old branch and fell. Her head had hit a branch on the way down.

The next thing she realized was that she was in a hospital, but she remembered having a strange dream. In the dream a tall dark man had taken her by the hand and said, “It’s not your time yet.” In the dream she also remembered seeing an older woman sitting on a couch. The woman had looked depressed and pale. She woke up and convinced her self it was just a dream.

But now she knew the truth. The little girl was her, when she was six years old. And the older woman she had seen in the dream was her, now. She had almost died in that tree, and now she must be close to dying again. She was afraid to die and so that’s why she ran.

She reached the door, opened it, and ran through it as fast as she could. She slammed the door behind and turned to see a room full of people dancing in masquerade costumes. They were dancing with each other in an elegant style Abby had never seen before. She also noticed it was slightly hotter in this room. Not cold, and not somewhere in the middle, but hot.

She decided to run into the crowd hoping to hide from the man. She made her way through the people, who seemed to be having the time of their lives. But then someone grabbed her arm and spun her around. She jumped with fright when a forked tongue flicked itself at her from the mouth of one of the dancers. Then they all crowded around her and started pushing her all over the place. They laughed louder and pushed her harder each time. She couldn’t break away or get any kind of footing.

Then they picked her up and started passing her over their hands towards the other end of the room. It was growing increasingly hot as she came closer. She struggled and screamed all she could, but she couldn’t get away from these people. As she got closer to the room they all started to remove their masques. Their faces were hideous, covered with boils, missing teeth or eyes, and rotting skin. Abby screamed uncontrollably, and closed her eyes because she couldn’t stand to look at them.

She began to accept that she was heading for a burning fire of despair, when someone firmly grabbed her wrist, lifted her to her feet, and led her away from the crowd. She opened her eyes and saw the back of the darkly clothed man. The dancers flailed their arms at her, but didn’t touch her. She tried not to look at them because she was so scared.

They reached the door and walked through it. As soon as they were on the other side and the man had closed the door Abby dropped to her knees and starting crying uncontrollably.

“Why are you crying?” he asked her calmly. He sank to his knees so his face was even with hers.

“I don’t wanna die,” she said between her tears.

“Then why were you doing that to yourself?”

“Because,” she struggled to find an answer. “There’s just so much pressure,” was all she could think to say. The man nodded, took her by the hands and helped her to her feet.

“You don’t have to live like that,” he said. His face started to shine and Abby gained comfort from it. “There is someone who will always love you, no matter what you do, or how you look. You don’t have to please anyone but yourself and him.” He smiled at her and she smiled back.

“I didn’t have to save you now, but what good is life without mercy and second chances,” he said. He led her back to lobby. As they passed the pictures by the split in the hallway she noticed a bright light was now emanating from the other end of the hallway she didn’t run down. When they reached the waiting room he opened the door and a star filled sky was on the other side.
“Go now, and make peace with yourself,” he said. Abby smiled when she saw a bright blue sphere she recognized as Earth in the star filled sky.

“When will I see you again?” she asked.
“You’ll find out soon enough,” he said. “Now go.”
Abby jumped through the door and into space. She floated for several minutes closer and closer to Earth, never feeling more relieved and free in her life.