Marital Chinese Water Torture

MARITAL CHINESE WATER TORTURE

I reached into the candy dish for a piece of chocolate. Instead of a delicious Hershey Kiss, I grabbed a handful of wrappers. Once again, my husband ate candy and threw the wrappers in the candy dish. Countless times he's been told that the candy dish is not a garbage can - you don't throw the wrappers back into the dish. Does this register in his brain? NO! He seems to think this practice is perfectly acceptable. I find this to be one of the little things that drive me crazy. Suddenly, the past fourteen years flashed before my eyes. My mind was flooded with "little things".

I decided to make a list. The problem is, just when I think I'm finished, something else comes to mind. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, but there are times when I'm convinced he is purposely trying to drive me crazy. It is almost like a case of marital Chinese Water Torture. Little by little, one drop at a time, I'm being driven insane.

This is what I came up with:

1. Doesn't replace the bag in the garbage can after taking out the trash. I tell him this is all one job. You empty the garbage; you put a new bag in the can. He, on the other hand, tells me his job is to take out the trash - only. It is up to someone else (me) to replace the bag. To him, replacing the bag is a separate job.

2. Doesn't close his dresser drawers all the way. Now how hard is this one? You take something out, you push the drawer CLOSED. Don't leave clothes poking out of the top of the drawer. No one cares to see what brand of underwear or socks you wear.

3. Empties the ice cube trays, but doesn't refill them. Again, how hard is this?
(Note: We recently bought a new refrigerator with an automatic icemaker. My life is somewhat easier.)

4. Uses the last of the toilet paper, but doesn't put a new roll on the holder. I made this one as simple as possible by getting one of those three roll cannisters that stands by the toilet. Still, I am the only one to put a new roll on the holder. This carries over to paper towels too.

5. Dips the knife that he just used for peanut butter, into the jelly jar. This one gets me. I end up with chunks of peanut butter in the jelly and jelly in the peanut butter. "Why can't you use two knives when making a peanut butter and jellly sandwich?" I ask. "Why dirty two utensils?" he answers flippantly. What does it matter to him? He'll just throw them in the sink - without rinsing them I might add - for me to wash later.

6. Never, I mean NEVER, hangs up the bath mat after taking a shower. I walk into the bathroom and my socks get soaked from the wet bath mat.

7. Takes half a banana, and leaves the other half on the counter with the peel pulled up to make it look like a full banana. Unsuspecting, I come along and pick up, what I think, is a full banana. The peel falls away revealing a now brown, slimy banana half. By the way, more times than not, it is the last banana in the house.

8. I return from the grocery store and he says, "You know what you forgot?", or "You know what else you should've bought?" Before going to the store I always check with him to see if there is anything he needs or wants. He never has anything to add to the list. If he thought of something after I left, I'm a phone call away since I carry my cell phone with me! How come he doesn't think of these things when I'm AT the store?

9. Pronounces words incorrectly - on purpose - and thinks it's funny. He pronounces "innuendo" like "in-da-window". Okay - I admit this is funny, but only the first hundred times he said it.

And, finally, the one that really, I mean REALLY, drives me crazy:

10. Takes a bite out of the last slice of pizza, then wraps it neatly, and puts it in the refrigerator! Imagine my surprise, when I unwrap it and find a huge bite taken out of it. I can't tell you the number of times I fell for this one.

I could go on and on. I didn't mention the stupid phrases he makes up and tries to pass off as rhymes - or funny. For example, as I type these words, he's saying, "I need the keys, Donna Reed." That doesn't rhyme and not only that, but he doesn't even know who Donna Reed is. Or when he uses the phrase, "I rectum" instead of "I reckon." Or how about using his name in songs like the theme from the t.v. show "Cheers". "Making his way through the world today, takes everythng Mic's got. Taking a break from all Mic's worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't Mic like to get away . . ."

I better end this now, or I will never be finished. Besides, I hear him singing the theme song to "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" while reaching into the candy dish. "Love is all around why don't Mic take it? Mic's gon-na make it after all. . ."

(Word Count: about 915)