Even I Deserve Better

Throughout my life I have been witness to horrors that a lot of people can’t even imagine. I am not talking about things like war or famine; I am talking about child abuse though. I was raised in and around child abuse for so long that the abuse started to seem normal to me. I thought all families lived like this. I didn’t know that fathers weren’t supposed to rape their daughters and I didn’t know that mothers weren’t supposed to beat their kids.

The things I learned growing up weren’t things that a lot of other kids learned. I learned how to keep secrets. I learned how to hide bruises. I had learned how to please my father, and others, in ways that girls my age should know nothing about. I learned how to pretend like my life was normal. I learned how to defend my parents against people who tried to tell me that what I was going through was wrong.

Even as I grew up and became an adult, the abuse was so much apart of who I was that I didn’t feel comfortable when someone actually tried to do something nice for me. I seemed to look for people who would hurt me and in a sense make me feel normal. I ended up marrying a man who made me feel normal in my definition of the word and lived another four years of abuse. Even after my kids were born I hung on to this already dead relationship hoping that things would get better once the kids were around. I was wrong!

I finally was able to get out of that relationship after years of therapy and someone telling me that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I could say that leaving him was the turning point in my life but, I am sad to say, even after him I got with other men who treated me the same way he had. I couldn’t break out of the pattern that seemed to have been engrained in me since birth. I didn’t deserve anything better!

It wasn’t until I moved out of state and started to see from the people around me that I do deserve better. Having friends and being treated with respect and love has been such a new experience for me, but one that has been opening my eyes in the process. I have seen how others around me treat each other and I have chosen to only hang out with people who care about others. I know that I have grown a lot in the last few months and I credit most of my growth to my friends. People who show love without condition and never give up on me. It is now, that I can finally say, I think I am heading in a more healthy direction and things will only get better from this point on if I continue to let it!