Moving Time...Again

I'm moving again. This will be the 3rd one in 2 1/2 months. I've become quite proficient at this. You learn to go through your effects and think to yourself, "Is this really worth packing up? Why am I even holding on to the base of a lava lamp when I don't have the top to go with it?" Then you start to envy that homeless guy under the bridge that can carry all his possessions in a backpack. But instead of walking away with a lesson learned, we buy things we don't need. After all "he who dies with the most toys wins".



May was one of the hardest months of my life. Things at home had been going great or so I thought. My boyfriend and I shared a small but cozy apartment on the 2nd floor. We still had the same giddiness as when we first met. At home when I cooked he cleaned. We ran a household together with the smoothness it takes couples years to accomplish. Even the passion we shared when we first met was still there behind the closed bedroom door. Everyone said we were the perfect couple and we'd last forever. His family adopted me as if I'd always been a part of them. Then one day he sat me down on our couch and with tears in his eyes handed me a letter.

I don't really know how to do this the best way. I wish I did. I've been contemplating about this for weeks. It breaks my heart to know when I hurt you but I can't keep lying to you or myself. I've felt so bad for a long time knowing how much you care for me and I'm just slipping away more and more. I thought that it would pass (my feelings) but they haven't. I care for you so much and it's taking me a long time to do this because it's really hard for me to hurt you like this. You're nothing but a sweet person who would do anything for me. It worked for the most part until recently. I'm not happy with the way my life is anymore. I can't keep putting you on this roller coaster with me. You deserve better than me. I know you would have rather me told you about this a lot sooner. It's just so hard to do this to such a good person. I don't know what's going to happen next. I know you don't want us to break up but I know it needs to happen before this relationship gets really bad. That's one thing I never wanted between us. I am sorry for doing this to you. Time heals all wounds. I shouldn't waste anymore of your life with me if I know it's not going to work for us.





Love,

Sean

I just couldn't understand. Normally there are signs relationships are going to end. I had always prided myself on recognizing these and bailing ship first. In fact a week earlier he said "I can see us signing a lease for another year together." He swore he had never cheated and there wasn't anyone else. He just simply fell out of love. It felt like rug had been pulled and my wind was knocked out. He hugged my trembling body, grabbed his keys and left for his friend's house. There was nothing I could do. His mind was made up and I knew there was no changing it. So that night I started packing.



Sometimes your body goes on auto-pilot and continues to work while your mind is miles away. How I got through dividing up our DVD, CD and photo collections I couldn't tell you. I don't even remember doing it. Having no plan of where I was going to go I picked up the phone.



"Hello...Hello...Is anyone there?"

"He dumped me." I managed to choke out.

"What?! You're joking right?" asked the voice on the other end in disbelief.

My uncontrolled sobs confirmed it was no joke.

"Are you at home? Look stay there. I'm coming over."



Twenty minutes later Rhiannon was beating down the front door. "That mother fucking bastard! Oh just let me get my hands on him!! What did he say? There's someone else isn't there? I'll fuck him up so bad."



One thing you quickly learned about Rhiannon was how passionate her personality was, especially when it came to her friends. She reminded me of the big sister on the playground who wouldn't let anyone pick on her younger siblings. I handed Rhiannon the letter and told her what he said before he left.



"Do you actually believe this crap? 'Time heals all wounds' my ass! I've never liked him. Something in his eyes just told me he would hurt you. God! Well, you're coming home with me and staying for as long as you need. I already talked it over with Rodrigo. It's settled." she said picking up boxes and starting out the door. "Wait. First there's something you need to do." I automatically knew what she meant by the devious gleam in her eye.



Not long after first meeting we opened up and told each other our life stories. I told her of my abusive ex-husband, the miscarriage and failed suicide attempt that followed. She told me about the abusive boyfriend she had and the pay-back revenge she and her best friend, who would later become her husband Rodrigo, got on him.



"Come on, Rhiannon. He fell out of love with me. You can't help your feelings. I guess it's better that he told me now instead of just cheating on me later because he wasn't happy." I tried to justify.



"Bailey, how long have we known each other? Not that long, right? You two were together for much longer! Yet even I know what day today is. Let me just say that this boy has some poor sense of timing." Rhiannon was right. The same thought had even crossed my mind before her words were said out loud. He broke up with me on the anniversary of my miscarriage.



If you have never been through it you probably will never fully understand the emotional torment it is for some women. It can push a women over the edge and literally into insanity. I was definit on the brink when it happened to me. For months I argued and fought with doctors that I wasn't just making up what my body was feeling dispite all the negative pregnancy tests. Thinking my hormone levels were probably out of whack from the stress of just having left my husband, they prescribed me medication that would eventually cause me to menstruate. When they heard at my follow up exam that I still had not started they gave me an ultra-sound to see if cysts were the problem. And there they saw her, plain as day, the child I had told them I knew was in my belly. Upon realizing what a huge mistake was made they tried to talk me into an abortion, "After all, you where the one who took the medication. It can and probably will cause severe bone deformities. Abortion is the best solution." Angrily I refused and told them that I would have this child and love her no matter what. Two days later she was gone. Though I never knew what she looked like or even if my baby was female, in my heart she was a girl. I named her Lennon.



Life afterwords is really just a blur of tears and Kleenex. I downed a bottle of sleeping pills and spent some time in the hospital. But help from friends and great anti-depressants pulled me through and a few months later I met Sean. I was upfront and honest from the very beginning. Though I don't think he fully understood the impact this had on me, he said an ex-girlfriend had aborted his child but he "got over it", he never judged me if I cried after passing the baby section of a grocery store.



"Okay," I said bringing a huge Cheshire grin to Rhiannon's face, "what did you have in mind?"



"Oh, let's just say he better be smart enough to buy a new toothbrush after breaking up with a woman."