Depression; The hole story

I know this cloud will pass and slowly day by day it becomes thinner. I can, at times almost see through the peek-holes that show me a glimpse of a better life waiting for me.
I can see myself different than I am now. I can see myself living on the outside of this hole.But the vision lasts only briefly before the cloud shuts out the light and again I am plunged into the abyss that is depression.

It reminds me of that cartoon character-Pig Pen. With the cloud of dust that swirls around him everywhere he goes. It is there in the morning, it is there at night. It is there even when I am trying to ignore it and have a good time despite the way I feel.

It tells me I am alone. That nothing matters. Everything in my life is as unreal as a dream and one day like a dream it will be all be over. It tells me there is no hope, there is no reason to try anymore. It whispers that no matter what I do the outcome will be the same as if I did nothing, so why bother.
It tells me these lies and I know them for what they are, yet I cannot make them go away. I cannot force them out.

With each time depression enters my being it gains strength. It brings more chains with it than on the previous visit. The chains are delusions and cheap tricks. They tie me up and hold me down. They try to make me think I am losing this fight. Or at least my mind.

It’s not fair. This time I didn’t see it coming. I don’t know why. I should have known better. But it came on so fast. By the time I realized where I was, the window had already closed. I was trapped. In so deep that my feet not only couldn’t move, they didn’t even want to.

I can only think of the one question that resounds through my soul.
Why?
Why am I being held down like this. I know there is life to be lived and I want to live it, but why can’t I? I don’t want this! I should be able to say that and make it be gone, but it stays. Even though I fight like a cat in water to escape, it drags me down deeper.

I use to think that people with depression could snap out of it at any time. I thought that they brought it on themselves and that they subconsciously enjoyed the feeling of despair and so refused to be happy. I was wrong. So wrong. This is more like some kind of parasite that moves in on you uninvited and eats you from the inside out. No one asks for this.

I know there are ways out. I know what needs to be done and I’ve done it before.
I have to stop giving it power over me. I have to take control and take back what is rightfully mine.
I refuse to be beaten by an illusion. A notion that has taken advantage of my current situation. I will be me again. I will be alive.