The Healing of a Romantic

The Healing of a Romantic

What we seek is not always what we find.

Relationship, the man/woman variety, is a delightful connection of two souls that can be the best of all things imaginable. There is nothing better than a relationship that works, and nothing worse than one that doesn’t. It is either the Cheshire cat smile, or the personification of misery. Simply, it is the dichotomy of the ages.

It begins when one mind meets another on the random plane of silly circumstance, and they become linked together. It’s all an accident, unless you were introduced, in which case you have someone else other than fate, and the universe, to blame.

A compelling connection occurs; you know the one I’m talking about, that old endorphin rush, the one we mistakenly identify as the birth of true love. Everyone knows chance meetings rarely work out, but we are different, and will be an occasional exception to this timeless rule. Caution abandoned we spend the next measure of time rolling around like two cats in a large box of catnip. Someone here was easy.

We are sillystupid at this point, and share wonderful conversations about fate, synchronicity, and how prayers were answered when the responsible ubiquitous entity, (God, guardian angle, deceased relative, etc.) brought the two of us together. My soul mate at last! Fate has intervened. Time passes, and catnip looses its potency. We eventually find ourselves diving from a high place head long into the empty pool of reality. A loud “thud” is heard - let the recriminations begin.

I have felt a cacophony of emotions at this stage. I find myself in love with a broken heart, and angry that I allowed myself to get into and uncontrollable situation that I wouldn't change for the world. I end up being totally in love with a woman that I detest, and wish I had never met. My inner voice tells me that if I were smart I would end the relationship before it goes one step further, but I would spend the rest of my life with her if just a few things would change. They won’t.


“God, how could I have been so stupid?” I hear myself saying as I realize that this is the only concept about relationship I will ever get right. You are stupid regardless of which why this all goes. If your other half is the cunning, manipulative, and insensitive person you claim they are to all those who will listen, you were really dumb for getting involved before you figured it out. On the other hand, if you toss a really good relationship just because you are too proud to say, “I’m sorry”, you’re pretty stupid too. Either way it’s going to be uncomfortable - you will win the war to be obnoxious, and loose the all-important battle for the heart.

Before long we have two people standing on individual pillars of control, looking at each other across the craggy chasm of identical objectives, unable to make a permanent connection. Why? Because, men and women just have different motives for achieving the same objectives. I think we all want love, but don’t actually understand what true love is.

Relationship is the imaginary fulfillment of life’s promise – man and woman together forever. This is what we are supposed to do, we were born to do it, we are expected to do it, and many of us were trained from childhood to do it. Unfortunately, we were trained to get into a relationship, but somehow, someone, left out the vital instructions on how to make it work. I love the play of work; the work of play, and the absolute delight when playing with each other is really fun. However, my wishes, wants, and desires have again clouded my common sense. I awake one day to a full dose of the truth, and learn that things are not quite as wonderful as they had seemed. The end is nigh.

If sex is all there is, the relationship is doomed. One misstep, bad performance, inappropriate word will be interoperated to carry the message, “ . . . you don’t care about me.” The other shoe drops, and “. . . if you really loved me . . . !!!” When any variations of these two phrases are uttered the store containing all of the control issues is now open for business. When this store opens the issues of ownership, control, distrust, resentment, and a whole lot of pain are available for purchased at a very high price.

The final stage of our endorphin-laced tryst is the inevitable blame game, endless allegations, and varying degrees of hurt (the weapon of last resort designed to impose guilt on the other party). Finally, we decide we must separate, fight for our rights, and win the battle at all costs because, after all, we were the victims. Post adulation success is measured in terms of misery. Misery is judged by the quality, and quantity that is effectively distributed to our once beautiful soul mate now turned loathsome demon.

I have noticed that love, and hate seem to be the same emotion channeled in opposite directions. We seem to be able to hate as passionately as we loved so the ending pain is just as sharp as the beginning pleasure.

Finally, after all is said, done, and the final phase of lunacy has passed, we find another unsuspecting victim who can help us heal ourselves from our most recent mistake. Most of the replacements seem to be similar, if not identical, to the ones we just broke up with. I have heard insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again while expecting different results. Hmm, this could indicate we must be crazy to be in love.

I understand this behavior. I have not only watched this over my lifetime, but have also been an active and willing participant on more than just several occasions. I am guilty! Repair only comes after recognition, and admittance of one’s own complicity.

When pain subsides, and hurt ends, the fog of disappointment slowly lifts. We can see clearly now, and look back to evaluate our relationship, with remorse, and realize it was our own fears and mistrust that sank our yacht “Relationship”. We remember the good parts and think, “If only I had . . . (fill in the blank) . . . the relationship could have been saved!” I think we should all learn to communicate a little more effectively.

I will be the first to admit that I am an incurable romantic. I love the concept of love; I adore having someone in my life. I love catnip! And I love to touch, hold, and be held. It makes my heart go poom-poom.

Undaunted, I jump in again, with renewed enthusiasm, vigor, and a determination to really find the one with whom I can make it happen. Before I can successfully proceed I should make an effort to understand why the last encounter failed, and change my own behavior.

No more practicing, this time it is for real.

First, expectations assassinate relationships. Accept others as they are, without change, if you are going to accept them at all. You can change no one.

Next, I decided I must learn to cohabitate with myself. It is a wonderful thing, eliminates dependency on others, instills self-reliance (which I already had an abundance of), and makes one comfortable with being alone. It teaches you that you don’t need continual reassurance from a significant other. In fact, you learn that you really don’t need a significant other. Need should never be confused with want.

Eliminating need is a glorious healing, and enables you to pin your heart on new possibilities without the distortions of fear.

I decided to define two things. First, I must identify what I liked about myself, and what I could bring to a relationship. Second, what I wanted from the other party. I needed to articulate this before I could determine what I was willing to invest to achieve a successful outcome.

“What is going to make me happy?” Hmm, I suddenly realized that this was a really stupid question because happiness comes from within. Someone can contribute to my happiness, but it is up to me to create it, and it is not realistic to assume that I can create happiness for anyone else either. Why do some lessons take so long to learn?

Finally, I realized whatever worked before will also work again. But repeating the same method of entry will surely provide an identical method of exit. If you want to change the results you must change the methods used to achieve them. Further, if you want different results you must also modify the definition. If we continue to shop at the same store using the same shopping list, we will continue to get the same incompatible products.

Lastly, after a lot of trial and error, I was able to ascertain what it was I would like to have in a relationship. The answer was actually a lot simpler than I had originally imagined.

I want my best friend. I want someone who will make as much of an effort to be with me, as they expect me to make to be with them. The operative word is reciprocal accented by effort. And, there must be attraction, or nothing else will happen.

I began to think. Friends will give you something you don’t deserve, while lovers without mutual interests, are high maintenance. Friends don’t judge one and other, they accept each other for whom, and what they are. Friends forgive mistakes, and have a lot of fun together. They don’t often argue, but when they do, they make up and are not trying to place blame. They are not jealous of one and other, can talk about, and tell, each other anything. Friends are always courteous, and respectful.

Having my best friend would be perfect. We would be together because we wanted to be, there would be no ownership, you would never disrespect each other, and we could have our own space when ever we needed it.

From this I learned the baggage we carry with us is nothing more than the walls we hide behind to protect ourselves from the world. But instead of protection, this baggage keeps us from moving forward, from changing our paths. These elements of our personality are nothing more than fear caused by the guilt inflected on us by bad behavior, and neglect from others who should have cared.

Giving all you have unconditionally to something, or someone, is the greatest experience of all. Of course, you must be careful of who you give it to, and be sure they are worthy of receiving it. But, if you can find the one, take a chance, and dare to eject all regrets, hate, fear, blame, and any other negative thoughts from your life, your can have magic that will place you in a cocoon of love from which you will never want to emerge. But you will emerge with an enhanced, and deeper love than when you entered. In the emergence you will be changed into butterflies, just like the caterpillar does. Love really is a wonderful thing after all.

Hmm, I just woke up and can smell coffee brewing. Think I’ll go get a cup, and when I finish I’ll find a good friend.