Shattered

When glass falls on the ground it shatters. A thousand fragmented crystals glimmer as they steal the sun and scratch the air with splintering cries. They collapse inwards, on to themselves, circles of slither-slight shards bursting in their violent explosion of impact… To settle in a pile of barbarous dust that stares with icy, lifeless eyes. It breaks so easily, so beautifully… Is that what you wanted? Is that what you prayed for as your fell? Is that brokenness what I will see reflected in your eyes if you wake up?

I used to look at you and smile, even though you couldn’t see how much you made me feel… I used to watch you as you spoke with that coffee-girl, as I sipped one of the house cappuccinos… At the time you would give her this look that I wished could be mine… But I thought never could be… It was so sad, yet so beautiful to see you follow her every move with such innocent passion. Just like my not so innocent eyes on you. Each full smile made a strange joy flutter across my skin like autumnal leaves on the earth; because you were so pure, so innocent, so naïve and hopeful it wrenches at my heart to see you now.

Do you remember the meaning of hope now? Or rescue? Do you remember feeling love? Or how to trust like you used to? Or even how to smile that precious way that only you can…? Has my idiocy lost you completely? Are you still my Jay? The one that saved me from the dreary world, rescued me when I could not help myself, preserved me in you loyalty and infinite belief in others… Does that man exist? Or is the shell in front of me all that is left of you?

Jay… I can’t promise you complete freedom from your demons, but I can promise to aid you in your fights. I can’t promise to heal you of all your scars, but I will try… God will I try…

Please come back to me… I see the wired threading though your skin and hear the ups and downs of your heart beat and… This isn’t you. It never will be. The livid red records of your plummet down blend with black and blue… these are not you either… I can’t see you like this but I can’t shut my eyes or turn away. You still hypnotise me. Despite the tubes that press air through your lungs in rattling rasps.

They said that just one floor higher and there was no doubt you would have succeeded… You broke your legs, your arms, wrists, collarbone; your ribs caved in and pierced part of your lung… But despite a knock to your head you back never broke….

God Jay, your facard was so carefully mastered…. With so much shattered can what we had still survive? And I’m sorry I let you go through so much alone. And I’m sorry I didn’t think and I need you to wake up. I need your alluring azure eyes to capture mine and for your lips to part in forgiveness. I need you to exonerate me.. Because for all my distance in the past, for all the cold words we argued over, I love you.

I love you. I need to save you. What…? Why isn’t the monitor responding to your heart anymore? Men in coats are closing in and your body is lost behind them. Lost is your ragged, battered flesh and your limp limbs. Lost is your peaceful, comatose face with the tubes and wires. Jay? Am I screaming or is someone else here with me too? The men part and one looks at me from behind his mask with barely contained contempt. It’s not my fault for loving you… Is it?

Even as they leave your side, pleased at your pulsing screen I wonder… I always knew you were different but… is this the inexplicable horror the truth that you hide? Oh yes, I know you don’t tell me everything. Though it pains me to accept it… If only you had told me this… Maybe then the veneer you had had to carefully constructed over you sanity would never have fallen because.... that cover wouldn’t have been needed.

I watch you face and wait for your eyes to flutter open. They will open. You can’t leave me. Heat stings in my own eyes. For the first time in nearly eleven years I realise that I am crying. Cry for you. Crying for your pain. Crying for this unjustified torment. Oh Jay… I’m so sorry… I love you… I’m so sorry…