The Third Stand-Up Comic

Before you read this, please understand. I don't mean to downplay what happened with the Holocaust or make the whole situation into a joke. It is what I believe he would have joked about, the cuel prick. Take it with a grain of salt that I am doing this to shock and I think some of things said are funny, but make you think. I hope it is controversial. That's the point.

A man is standing in the middle of a reading room by a fireplace.

Walter: Hello, I’m Walter Tabb and welcome to Undiscovered. On this show, we show you undiscovered parts of history, recently uncovered. Tonight’s subject is perhaps the fabled Antichrist Superstar.

Picture of Hitler displayed.

Walter: Dictator. Horrible Painter. Starter of one of the biggest genocides in history. Comedian? We have just gotten an old reel film, filmed by the Gestapo at Hitler’s headquarters. It shows Hitler providing some of this unheard of Stand-Up comedy. We have that video and just a warning: This reel dose contain a huge asshole who nearly destroyed an entire human race.

Hitler is in a dim club. (The translation would be playing over the German)

Hitler: Es sicher heiß innen hier, aber, wenn Sie menschliche Haut tragen, ist was kann Sie erwarten?

Translation: It sure is hot in here, but when you are wearing human skin, what can you expect?

Laughter. He smiles.

Hitler: Es ist besser als draußen im Winter. Es ist also Kälte mein Mantelschleichen.

Trans: It's better than outside in the winter. It's so cold my coat crawls.

SS soldier is laughing and smoking.

Hitler: Ein kleines jüdisches Mädchen kroch bis zu mir. Sie sagte, daß sie einen Bissen nicht in den Monaten gehabt hatte, also ich meine wilden Hunde auf ihr sicked.

Translation: A little Jewish girl crawled up to me. She said she hadn't had a bite in months, so I sicked my wild dogs on her.

One man is not laughing. Hitler nods and the man is shot in the back of the head.

Hitler: Er wird keine Juden zu jeder Zeit bald töten.

Trans: He won't be killing any Jews anytime soon.

Back to Walter.

Walter: As the years went by, he got more popular with his soldiers and eventually went on a concentration camp tour, much like our USO. More reels were found in Hitler’s vault. They have recently been viewed and we have first look.

Hitler is standing on a podium in front of many prisoners.

Hitler: Gutenabend Judehunde. Ich hatte einen Applaus erwartet, aber viele von Ihnen haben nicht Hände.

Trans: Good evening Jew dogs. I had expected an applause, but many of you do not have hands.

Hitler laughs.

Hitler: Viele von Ihnen Gestank. Ich habe entschieden, daß ich reales Wasser in Ihre Duschen gerade einsetzen konnte.

Trans: Many of you stink. I've decided I just might put real water in your showers.

He laughs again. No one laughs. A few prisoners are shot and killed.

Hitler: Es sieht wie ein Graveyard heraus dort aus.

Trans: It looks like a graveyard out there.

They start laughing.

Hitler: Ich habe meine Hunde mit mir geholt, aber keine von ihnen haben Nasen.

Trans: I have brought my dogs with me, but none of them have noses.

All Prisoners: Wie riechen sie?

Trans: How do they smell?

Hitler: Sie nicht. Ich zeige auf Sie und sie zerreißen Sie auseinander.

Trans: They don't. I point at you and they rip you apart.

No one laughs. Hitler nods and a couple more are killed.

Hitler: Wer sind ich?

Trans: Who am I?

Sticks out his tongue like he is dead.

Hitler: die ganze du.

Trans: All of you.

Back to Walter: He eventually recorded a record and it was number one in the Gestapo until the fateful day when Hitler was near defeat. He decided he must escape. He married Eva Braun and they had a party afterwards. They decided to play his comedy album. Hitler did not know he sounded and had never heard the record. They played the record and hearing his voice, his lack of timing, and his like of humor he killed all the guests set fire to him and his wife and the rest is history. His dying words are: Should have stuck to painting. This is Walter Tabb saying goodnight and have a wonderful history.