The Pull of Death

I knew you just for a moment…a long moment that will forever stay with me. If only for that moment did feel the awesome growth of your tiny body and the energy of your unborn soul stirred within me. It was such an amazing time, a time when we both shared the same breath.

Even in this wonderful time I must admit that I was afraid. I was so desperate to be exceptional for you that it created great worry. I was so unsure of everything. Wondering if I could give you a life that you deserved, one full of happiness nearly drove me mad. Finally my fear of mothering turned to pure elation. Yet, before I could rejoice something horrible took place. I felt the very pull of your death.

What a dark moment it was when I felt the sting of pain jolt through my body. The physical pain was unbearable. As if the devil himself were tearing the very inside of me out. What hurt more was the realization that this pain brought, the realization that I was losing you.

Forgive me little soul for not giving you what you needed to survive. I promise that I loved you if even for that moment. I loved you deeply. You were to be my very first child, the greatest gift that G-d could give me.

I try to keep my mind busy in the day because thinking about the loss of you is just too much to bare. I try to avoid closing my eyes at night because every time I do I see a vision of your face. I was never blessed with the sight of your face but I see it all in my minds eye. In my minds eye I know that you were beautiful. Perhaps you had my eyes with your father’s long lashes. Maybe you would have shared my mother’s soft laugh and I have no doubt that you would have had your papa’s curious charm.

Even though your birth never came to pass I still mourn the days that we would have shared. Did you even know that you had three brothers by your father? I would have cherished the times you could have had with them. Believe me when I tell you that I would have never left you. I would give my life in exchange for yours. To hold your little body in my arms, to watch you fall safely asleep, just to see the look on your fathers face the first time he would have held you. These are the moments that never were, yet the loss of it all will always haunt me.

Please forgive me when I try to break away from your memory at night, for that is when it is the hardest for me. When darkness sets in and the house is settled I feel that cold emptiness return. I find no solace in my sleep for I am constantly dreaming that you are still living and thriving within me. Waking to realty breaks my heart. This is all too hard for me to understand. I feel the bitterness and hunger for comfort that never seems to arrive.


I cannot shake these feelings they are far too strong. The pain of your sudden death is so incomplete, so terribly unjust. Now my hearts is weighed down by this tragic moment, bleeding for G-ds resolution.

Know that I would have fought with all my strength to have kept you alive. If only I had known perhaps I could have changed something. I can’t help but wonder what went wrong. Did you suffer? Did your soul know that you were not to be born but taken back to heaven? Did you even hear me when I sang to you in Hebrew lullaby? My mind will not rest until the day I see your face or know that you have forgiven me.

For such a short time I was a mother and I will always cherish that. You will always be in my heart. Someday soon I pray that G-d above will bless your father and I with the your return. Until that day comes my soul will always be united with yours. Not even death can break the union that we had. It began even with the sharing of our breath. My heart will mourn you always.

I love you little baby, in my arms or in heaven I will always love you.