Come Back

                                              Come Back

:It's been a long time since I'd given my heart to someone. I guess it was the fear of getting hurt and becoming secure in my loneliness that left me unattached. Sometimes I felt lonely, usually on a Sunday afternoon when the rain was pouring down and friends didn't call. I created quite a life for myself. I came home and didn't have anyone to be responsible to. I went to bed when I wanted, and watched the television on a whim. On weekends, I could go out with friends when they were available, or stay home if I felt like being alone. I didn't mind because the abnormal had become normal. I didn't miss sex too much. I'd forgotten what it felt like. Sometimes I wondered how it would feel to be intimate with someone again, then my thoughts reminded me how it was to be hurt and my ideals of love to be shattered. Alone and happy once again, I continued to do my own thing, whatever that might be.

:I had interests in others and others interested in me. I had came close to bursting the surface tension of my independence, at times. Suddenly, like a startled fawn, I would rush back into my emotional coma.

:In rare moments, I would become overwhelmed with a need to share myself with others. With an urge to interact with someone who had caught my attention, I would speak to them with skeptical anticipation. Spying something unacceptable, the unbearable urge to become known to them would be yanked away in a whirlwind of indifference. It  felt as if forces, unknown to me, had been sucking the understanding of cold solitude from my soul. Ending as I had begun,  ignorantly, I would be at peace within my emotional prison.

:As though I were having an out of body experience, I could see the impenetrable shield I had built around myself. The feeling of being safe inside was strong, but how could I receive the spiritual and social nourishment that I knew everyone needed? With the careful manipulation of a world class Psychologist, I would convince myself that being tough and strong were good virtues; adding to that the personal understanding of being sensitive and good, I would internally boost my resolve, and the thoughts of something being amiss would quickly dissipate.

:Things happened in life that influenced my thoughts, feelings, reactions and interactions with others. Even changing the way I  felt about myself. Depending on the state of my mental disposition, it would later be viewed as either good or bad. Never having the ability to capture just who I might be, at any present moment, only the recollections of the past could provide a clear and dependable view


:Sitting in my office, focusing on the computer, not doing much of anything, a nice looking lady had drawn my attention with a few words. She was a little older than myself, but who cared about age? I chose a defensive stance, as I usually had with someone who caught my attention, believing beauty to be a weapon and often a facade for what's underneath. Defiant to her beauty before me, I argued with her for the purpose of upholding my dignity and strength. As could be expected, she had responded to me in a similar manner and quickly departed, just another shadow passing through my life's corridor.

:Again I witnessed this shadow, she was interacting with other employees. I found myself drawn to her laugh that carried no protection. Something about her body language imparted a quality of being genuine and giving. With consideration, in my time of weakness, that I would find something wrong with her, my thoughts hesitantly turned to other matters.  Besides, with my honor, principals, self control, and track record, nothing could have possibly developed from my interest. Especially with the  title that she held of  “Employee”. Yet a lingering impression had prevailed.

:I observed her on many occasions arriving through the entrance to our work place. Progressively I found myself feeling the change of energy that followed her into a  room. I knew that it had not been the perfect way she wore make-up, the natural and untamed hair, or athletic figure. It had something to do with the part of her that chose and combined random thought that captured my imagination. It had been the way she interacted with others and their anticipation of her presence that changed the atmosphere. Abashed that everyone had noticed this before me, I had begun to view her with admiration.

:Something inside of me begun to change. The loneliness that I felt still existed, becoming stronger than before. Struggling to protect the impenetrable shield that held my feelings together, a sensation of vulnerability begun to render it useless. I feared that siege on my carefully developed fortress, because I had not developed a second line of defense. Besides, I had destroyed the opportunity to unleash these long restrained forces on the invader. I feared that the damage had been done.

:Walking down the office hallway,  I noticed the object of my new found admiration at the receptionists desk. Raising her head and looking in my direction, I was reluctant to claim that her attention was directed at me.  Hesitantly, she begun to walk in my direction. With great difficulty, I concealed my shock as she came up to me and asked, "Hey, would you like to go to lunch sometime?"

:Feeling that she was a little nervous and hesitant in the asking, without any time to think about what it might have meant, I replied in an uncertain and side swiped tone, “Hum, sure. May I get your phone number and I'll call you to set up a time?”

:After we had exchanged phone numbers, awkwardly, we each departed toward our own destinations.

:A short time later, in the privacy of my plush office chair, while reflecting on this encounter, the rationalizations began rolling around in my head. Doubting that she could be interested in me, due to our first encounter, I had begun to feel like this would be a professional lunch. Uncertain of the purpose for the lunch, I  hesitated in calling her right away. Two weeks later, with a slight increase in my confidence, and a curiosity that was killing me, I had made the call to set a time to meet.   

:With long hours put in at work, we found it challenging to arrive at a  mutual time. After several attempts, around nine in the evening, we had arrived at an opportunity to meet at Star Bucks. Seeming like a safe choice, due to the casualness of the environment, we spent over an hour getting to know one another. I was left with the impression of indifference and awkwardness, as I  carefully delivered a politely casual hug, signaling an end to our first meeting. Surprisingly, we continued to call one another and our encounters became more intimate.   

:Through our dating experience, she had captured me, transformed me. Admitting that she loved me, I remained guarded. Old habits die hard and  the shield I had built around my heart was thick. Pulling me out of the barrier that had carefully developed with time, she earned my trust and undying loyalty. With time and the sincere declaration of my love for her, I begun to realize just how lonely I had been.

:My old skin had been completely shed and I became a  new person, a better person. I was far from perfect, but someone cared about me. The loneliness, that I denied having before, disappeared and was filled with an overwhelming urge to be with her at every moment. In my mind she was the sunrise and the  sunset. I could never imagine being without her again.

:With all of the love and tremendous feelings I had for her, something inside me could not be contained. An overwhelming insecurity.  The shield that I had built around myself became a shield encompassing both of us, developing a protective relationship that would have rivaled the Secret Police's protection of the President. She was special, and I knew that as sure as I knew anything. Developing trust for her, I gained much admiration from watching her interact with others. She would never be unfaithful to me and that was never in question.  Watching other men declare their admiration for her made me slightly unsettled, but proud. I felt good that someone else would confirm to her, the feelings that I had shared. The only thing that would ever bring out that insecurity, would be the fear of another man. Not just any man, but an ex-boyfriend.. With him it had been different.

:I had felt like we had built a house that  was impenetrable and someone meaning harm lurked just outside.  If we stepped out, something might happen and I could not let her go alone. She felt like she had the ability to overpower anyone with bad intentions, and yet I could not risk it.  The ex-boyfriend would not stop calling and it was reaching a level that bordered harassment. The frustration and fear that I felt begun reaching intolerable levels.

:In my protectiveness, I could feel her slipping away. She developed the impression that I had not trusted her and for her, that was unacceptable. Not the fact that I had not trusted her, it was the possibility that she could cause my misery and mistrust. In the process of telling her that it was not her, I made things worse. With all of my ability to talk to people and convey the meaning of complex concepts, I could not convince her that she made me happy.  Feeling that everything was her fault, she would only become upset when I took accountability for my insecurity. Seeing the that she was disappointed with herself and becoming miserable as well, I watched the bad feelings take on the characteristics of a snowball, growing larger and larger as it tumbled down a hill.

:I'm Sitting here all alone with the multitude of possibilities. I can do anything that my heart desires, answering to no one, being a single man with a carefree attitude. I can have my way with the world and no one to admonish me for it, as well as staying up late until all my desires are met. Realizing that now is the time when recollection of the past may offer clear insight, I know that this is not the man I am nor want to be.

:Nothing is satisfying, nothing feels good, nothing excites me. Not wanting to stay up late, but instead going to sleep as early as I can, so not to feel the pain. Not wanting to go anywhere, for fear of missing her. The loneliness clutches my heart and pulls it down into a darkness that must be resisted, one that I have known before. What will I do?

:Please come back, I love you, I need you.