Not Cut Out to be a Catholic

NOT CUT OUT TO BE A CATHOLIC

"This has got to be the stupidest thing my wife has ever talked me into doing."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing! Nope, nothing at all. I was just remarking on this lovely - er, box you have here. Nice and, uh, snug! So tell me, what exactly do the Catholic claustrophobics do? Do they just call you or --"

"Mr. Jameson, don't you think that we should get on with the Confessional?"

"Right! Confessional! My favorite! Well, actually, uh, Father, my wife --"

"Are you trying to tell me that you have been unfaithful to your wife?"

"No! God no! Oops. Sorry Father, I meant 'gosh.'"

"That's quite alright, my child, continue."

"Thanks. She actually asked me to come see you to ask you about joining the Church. The Catholic one, I mean. We're already part of the Protestant Church. Kind of. If you count going once a year for Easter. Ha ha!"

"..."

"Ha. So, when I got here, they told me you were busy taking Confessionals, so I thought I'd just pop in and see if you could help me."

"This is a Confessional, Mr. Jameson. If you truly wish to become a part of the Church, you must learn to adapt to and respect our customs. For example, do you and your wife use any kind of birth control?"

"Ack!"

"Mr. Jameson? Mr. Jameson, are you alright? Do you need a cough drop?" 

"Uh, um, no, I'm fine. Just great. I'm good."

"Are you?"

"No! What the hel--icopter did you just ask me?"

"I asked you if you and your wife use any kind of birth control. Shall I assume that 'Helicopter' is a brand name?"

"No! No it's not, it's just that, well, Father, do you really think that that's any of your business?"

"It is the Lord's business."

"Lord. Right. Well, I really don't see that anyone should be delving that far into my personal life."

"Nothing is too personal for the Lord. After all, was it not He who gave you and your wife the Gift of Life?"

"Uh, I guess so, but --"

"And did He not sacrifice His son for your sins?"

"You mean Jesus? I hadn't even been born then! So --"

"So, Mr. Jameson, why should you keep yourself from the Lord in such a manner?"

"Alright! The Lord has my permission to know about my sex life! He can even join us if he wants! But I still don't see how that gives you the right to know!"

"I am acting in His stead."

"Ah."

"The Catholic Church does not permit the use of birth control because it counteracts God's decision to bring children into being. It undermines the Gift --"

"-- of Life, yeah, I know. Look, Father, I just don't think that this is going to work out."

"That pains me greatly."

"Is that sarcasm I detect, Father?"

"I don't know what you mean, Mr. Jameson."

"Uh-huh."