contest entry

(The sound of a tape recorder cackeling to life, a breif scuffel and then a few seconds of silence)

Officer:  Thursday, January 18th, 2007. 6:23pm.  Interegation of suspect #437 Mrs. Laura Kelly Ashton by Jr. Officer Michael J. Pickard. 

(silence)

Do you know why you are here Mrs.  Ashton?

Suspect #437:  It's Ms....  I'm divorced.

(silence again)

Officer: Do you know why you are here  MS.  Ashton?

Suspect #437:  um...well...  I lost my temper in a  grocery store...and maybe I got a little loud...

Officer: You are here because you are being charged with two counts of assult, two attempted kidnappings, 28 seperate traffic violations and the theft of three boxes of popsicle sticks.  Sound familiar?

(silence)

Suspect #437:  hmm... well I can explain most of that...

Officer:  Please.

Suspect #437: um... ok...well first of all, can I just say on record that I DID pay for the popsicle sticks.  I left the money on the register in exact change along with the coupon that stated in no uncertian terms that I could buy two boxes and get the third one free. 
The assult thing was a complete accident and I appologized profusely for smacking that clerk in the face with my purse.  As I told her, it got stuck in the shopping cart and it swung out of my hand when i was trying to yank it out.  I had no idea it would hit her so hard she would stagger backward and bring that tower of tuna down on that poor old woman's head.  As a matter of fact, I still think she was being a little too dramatic.  The kidnapping thing, well that was a total misunderstanding, and  the traffic violations... well you try explaining to an 8 year old which way is left while attempting to rescue a hyperactive toddler from the strings of a carniverous chello. 

Officer:  um...ok... wait... your 8 year old was driving your car?

Suspect #437:  What!?  Of course not!!!...  She was just steering! 

Officer: ...i see... (the sound of papers rustling)

Suspect #437:  Wait!  You're not writing that down are you?  It's really not as bad as it sounds.  It was only for a few blocks and the only reason anyone even found out is because we went the wrong way down that one way street.  But I was in a big hurry, you understand?

Officer:  No... I must say I really don't...

Suspect #437:  (the sound of a sigh) Ok.  Well today was the day of a huge presentation at work.  It went terribly wrong, and of course it ran late.  My ex-husband was suposed to pick up our youngest from daycare but of course, something came up and I had to do it.  I had no sooner picked up Annie than I get a call from Maybelle  from her elementary school where her and 2 of her band members were stranded because Mrs. Peters forgot that it was her turn to carpool.  By the time I squeezed all of the kids and their instruments into my tiny sedan, it was almost 5 and my oldest, who is 10 would be on her way home from soccar practice.  I was on my way to drop the first kid off at his house, when Maybelle suddenly remembered that she had to build a bridge out of popsicle sticks for her science project due tomorrow.

(pause)

Officer: ...Ok....well what happened next?

Suspect #437:  Well the grocery store closes at 5.  I had 10 minutes to get across town with a car full of children, buy macarroni, drop off the two squatters, and get home before my eldest burned down my house or someone elses.  So I swung the car around and headed for the grocery store.  Meanwhile, one of the geniuses in the backseat decides that then was the best time to get in a little practice and attempted to take out his chello.  Annie, who long ago figured out how to climb out of her baby seat and could never resist anything with strings, went over to inveistage, and in a few seconds of complete chaos, managed to get herself compeltely tangled in the chello strings.  Now I've got 2 wailing children in the backseat, one with a potentially broken instrument and one potentially getting broken by one, and less than 6 minutes to buy popsicle sticks.  So I did the only logical thing.  I turned the wheel over to my eight year old who, I must say, did pretty well for someone who could barely see over the dashboard.  Anyway, I got into the store with minutes to spare, grabbed my popsicle sticks, and made for the checkout line.  Thats when I got into a bit of a spat with the checkout lady and the whole purse and theft misunderstanding happened... meanwhile, I kinda forgot about my cellphone, which was burried under children in my car and which was recieveing a number of messages from worried parents about the whereabouts of their kids.

Officer:  Uh huh...well... I see

(silence)

Well...  thats an interesting story... but I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to the Deputy... this one maybe a little bit over my head...

Suspect# 437:  (another sigh)  ok.  But do you think I could be out of here by 7? I do have dinner to make and a babysitter to relieve.  I also have to make a bridge out of popsicle sticks...