When will I learn?

“Oh, great!..  Not again.”

I swore to myself that I would stop going in that damned bar.  I mean, sure, it’s the only bar in town that plays disco, but really is it worth the trouble?  The chicks are sizzling.  All of them in black, some with leather boots and others with fish net stockings, I mean you just can’t beat that.  Yeah, I guess, they are a little occultish, but smoking hot is smoking hot.  If you know what I mean.

You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson after the last time.  The hangover is bad enough and then to put this on top of it.  I must be insane to keep going back there.

“Just because they buy you a drink doesn’t necessarily mean they’re in to you.”

But I fall for it every time.  It may just be the way those black eyes keep staring at you.  Calling you.  Pulling you. Telling you everything is warm and inviting.  Or it could just be the fishnets.  Either way I turn to silly puddy and let them do whatever they what to me.

Well, I guess, it comes down to figuring out what I am this time.  Last time I was rabbit.  Damn near got my fluffy tail shot off ravishing through that guy’s garden.

I can only move a tiny bit and only then when I really, really try.  I am sitting on my kitchen table.  That’s good.  At least I’m at home, but that probably means there’s a giant pentagram somewhere on my floor.  That’s always a real bitch to get out of the carpet.  You’d think those freaking witches would be just a tad more considerate, but nnnooo.  They don’t give a damn.  Practice a couple of spells on you and then just leave you a changed man with a huge mess to clean up.

The witch that poor misshapen, before and after the magic, Frank is thinking about is definitely a catch.  The cream of the night wandering, pointy hat cauldron crowd.  Not only one of the sexiest, but also one of the most powerful.  That is inside the city, anyways.  Everyone knows the most powerful witches live out in the boon docks somewhere, with their bats and their toads.  Even still, Nicole’s spell abilities are enough to keep Frank in his current state for a good couple of days.  “Good” is a relative term here.  Hopefully he won’t start to rot before he changes back.

Ok, well I’m some sort of inanimate object.  That much we know.  I am on my kitchen table.  Don’t really know what that says, but maybe something.

Wait a minute.  There’s a mirror on the wall behind me.  I moved a little before.  Maybe I can turn around enough to see what the hell I am.  Come to think of it I really don’t NEED to know, but I can’t just sit here and do nothing.  So, I might as well find out what I am.

All right, concentrate.  Move yourself around.  It’s just 180 degrees, that’s all.  Man, that hurts my brain or whatever it is right now to push that hard.  Keep going, big man, keep going.  You’ll get there.

         *****************************************

-Two hours later-

Ok, another short rest break and then push on through.  I’m almost there.

<CRASH>

What was that noise?

Oh, this is nice.  Now I’ve turned myself this far and I can’t see what is going on in the front room.  Really you witches, after you violate a man you don’t come back to party in his place.  Damn they sure are making a lot of noise.  It’s daytime.  Shouldn’t you all be in a cave or something?

They don’t normally break things.  What in the hell is going on?

Wait just one damn minute.  That’s no witch that’s a fucking burglar and I don’t mean the kind that steals hamburgers either.  This asshole is taking my stuff right in front of my eyes.  Here he comes over to the table.  Man, I wish I had teeth.

Frank’s new friend the “fucking burglar” is just a run of the mill B&E guy.  Lives with his girlfriend that knows little to nothing about him and has a couple of kids scattered around town that don’t know what the hell he even looks like.  All in all, a first class citizen.  Oh, and by the way, his name is Frank too.

“My girl likes eggplant.  I’ll just take this with me. Pop.  Into the bag you go you nasty fruit or whatever the hell you are.”

That’s wonderful.  Why the hell couldn’t you have been here two hours ago?  Now I know what I am, but now I’m in a bag and, quite frankly,  a bit insulted. 

Oh, yes!  Got to have a fork poking me in the side.  What would a bagged kidnapping be without it?  Not much cause it keeps getting deeper and it's making me want to pee.  If I can even do that.

Where is this asshole taking me?  If eggplants could get sick I would be well on my way.  With all this damn shaking and spinning around he’s doing I could do a technicolored yawn at any moment.  Is this guy a ballerina or what?  Make up your damn mind, which way you’re going.  Oh yeah, stairs are fun.  And look he found my porno collection and took all the good editions.  Damn it!

Just throw all my nice stained silverware and magazines into your car.  You’re a real gentleman burglar, there sir.  You realize, of course, that you’re not pulling a get away from bank heist, right?  I don’t hear any sirens.  There can’t be anyone chasing you.  Slow down!  I’m in a bag and I can tell you’re out of control.

Well… I feel from the lack of gravity and a personal ness with my porno I’ve never had before that your driving is a bit bad, sir.  Oh, good.  We have come to a stop.  Feels like the floorboard and a nice fork in the ass.

What Frank can’t see or, you could say, can only feel from his vantage point is the fact that the other Frank was being chased.  An off-duty plain clothes detective saw him coming out of the first Frank’s apartment building and, well sort of, shot him with a taser gun.  I.E. the dancing around and the bad driving.  Culminating with both Franks careening over the edge of a small cliff.  Into, well, we’ll get into that in a moment.

I don’t think I’m any worse for wear.  I might be peeling just a bit where that fork was in my, well you know, but otherwise I think I’m all right.  Now how to get out of this bag.

As it turned out that wouldn’t be much of a problem.

         *************************************

-Twenty minutes later. –

It’s funny how when you’ve been changed that your senses still work.  What’s not funny is that I know dog breath when I smell it and it seems to be right on top of me. 

I hate always being right.  Easy, there pooch.  You don’t want to eat an eggplant.  Ok, I guess I was wrong.  Oh, right where the fork was.  At least it’s not a new hole.  Be gentle, please!  Guess I should have said that to Nicole at some point last night.

Where are you going to take me?  At least he’s not running.  I don’t think I could take the jarring in this position.  I do have a nice view though.  I can see everything in front of me.  There’s my buddy the burglar.  I think he’s twitching or something.  That can’t be good.

Ah, a homeless guy.  So, this is where we’re headed and he’s got a little fire going.  That’s just great.  I’m going to be cooked alive by a homeless man and his search and find dog.  I hate that damned bar.  I’m never, ever going to go back there!

Excuse me, Chef Stubbles, do you at least have a knife or something so you can make it quick and painless?

“I’m not going to eat that, Sammy.  Go find something else!”

Well, screw you too.  I’m not good enough for you, huh?  Get a lot of good pickings around here do you? 

Wait.  That’s a good thing, Frank.  Remember you don’t want to be eaten. 

“Put that thing down and go find something else, Sammy.”

No, no don’t put me down, here.  Oh, thank you so much Sammy.  Let’s go somewhere out of the sun so I don’t shrivel up.  That a boy.  But don’t start running, that’s not good for me. 

One of Sammy’s favorite snatch and grab spots is a little Italian place just inside the Apartment District and this is where Sammy was headed.  There is usually a group of kids hanging around there, mostly up to no good.  Some of them were the owner’s kids and always had a little something to share with a dove-eyed hound dog.  With Frank’s eggplanty body in tow or mouth as the case may be, Sammy hustled over to see some kids.

I’m glad that you adjusted your grip there, boy.  Now I have the distinct pleasure of not only smelling your breath, but seeing the source now as well.  Always a joy to go tongue to tongue with a homeless man’s dog, oh yeah. 

“Hay, look.  It’s Sammy.  Hello, boy.  What do you have there?”

“Oh, that’s an eggplant.”

“Sammy, you don’t want to eat that!  Here, I’ll trade you.  You take this piece of pizza and I’ll take the eggplant.  Ok, boy?”

Well, the adventure continues.  Went from a burglar to a dog and now a boy.  And boys are so much fun.

“Let’s play catch with it and the one it splatters on loses.”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

“Let’s do it!”

I hope these boys can catch.  Please, oh, please don’t let them drop me.  Wind up for the throw.  Yeah, that’s good.  Just make sure you get me there.  Oh, god, flying through the air.  This would be fun it wasn’t for the possible splatter at the end.  Oh, shit.  Oh, shit! 

He caught me.  Oh, yes.  Good catch.  I think it would be better it I just went ahead and passed out.  Ok, pass out Frank.  Just let yourself go.  Damn it!  That’s not working and this one is getting ready to throw me.  Oh, shit here I go!

“Who are you throwing that to?  The wall or what?”

No, no!  That can’t be good at all.  I hate witches!  She was really hot though.  Stop that, only seconds left to live now.  Here I come Heaven.  Wait will I be an eggplant in Heaven?  Can I even get in like this?  Oh, this is just perfect!

That didn’t hurt too bad.  Maybe it doesn’t hurt when you die or maybe it didn’t hurt because I was so squishy.  I don’t want to open my eyes.  Ok, be strong Frank.  Look into the light.

There’s no light here.  Where the hell are the angels?  Heaven isn’t all that it looks like a shitty little room!

Wait, I know this place.  I’m on a table.  I’m on a table!  This is my apartment!  That kid threw me right through my own window.  I always knew I would make it out ok, never a doubt in my mind. 

"Mountains may crumble and cities may fall, but the eggplant always survives."