FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN

FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN,
I WAS DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE. MY MOTHER SAID I CAME INTO THE WORLD QUIETLY AS IF I WERE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME I COULD BE THERE.
I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THIS FEELING DEEP WITHIN MY SOUL, THAT I WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME. AS IF GOD HAD MADE A MONUMENTAL MISTAKE,
  WHEN I WAS LITTLE I REMEMBER ALWAYS LOOKING OUTSIDE, AS IF SOMEHOW THE ANSWERS WERE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
    MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC,
HE LIVED HIS LIFE WITHIN AND THROUGH THAT BOTTLE, FUNNY THING IS THOUGH I COULD NEVER HATE HIM. AS MANY TIMES AS HE WOULD HURT MY MOM, OR MY BROTHER, I JUST COULDN’T FIND IT IN MY HEART TO HATE HIM FOR THAT. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY HATE JUST ISNT PART OF MY MAKEUP, BECAUSE HATE DEVOURS YOUR SOUL, IT IS SUCH A DESTRUCTIVE FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE. NATIONS HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BECAUSE OF HATE, BROTHER HAS KILLED BROTHER. IN MY MIND LIFE IS JUST TO SHORT TO WASTE IT HATING ANYONE.
    I DON’T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD, BITS AND PIECES HERE AND THERE. I GUESS MY SUBCONSCIOUS CLOSED THE DOOR ON THAT PART OF MY LIFE.
      WHEN I TRY AND THINK AND REMEMBER MY CHILHOOD, I REMEMBER IT AS IF IT WAS SOMEONE ELSES LIFE, OR AS IF IT WERE IN A BOOK I READ.IT IS ALMOST AS IF MY MEMORIES, GOOD OR BAD, ARE NOT REALLY MINE BUT A FABRICATION WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSES HAND.
      WHEN I DECIDED TO MAKE MY ENTRANCE INTO THE WORLD, MY MOTHER TOLD ME SHE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL ALONE AND WITH A BLACK EYE, I GUESS I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE TOLD ME THIS 20 SOME ODD YEARS AFTER I WAS BORN, BUT ANYWAYS, SHE DID.
      THE DAY I WAS BORN, JULY 23, 1958, OH MY THAT JUST MADE ME FEEL REALLY OLD, ANYWAYS… WHEN MY MOM WOKE UP THAT MORNING, SHE TOLD MY DAD THAT SHE THOUGHT IT WAS TIME, SHE WASN’T REALLY SURE, BECAUSE SHE WAS ONLY 17 AND SHE HAD NEVER HAD A BABY BEFORE, BUT SHE FELT THAT HER BABY WOULD COME INTO THE WORLD TODAY. IT WAS A SATURDAY, I BELIEVE. MOM SAID IT WAS VERY HOT AND MUGGY AND SHE HAD BEEN HAVING STOMACH CRAMPS ALL NIGHT LONG, SHE DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE HER HUSBAND (MY DAD), BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN OUT REALLY LATE, DRINKING.
      WHEN SHE COULD HARDLY STAND THE PAIN ANY LONGER, SHE TRIED WAKING HIM UP, WHICH JUST MADE HIM ANGRY. IN HIS ANGER HE STRUCK OUT HER, PUNCHING HER SOUNDLY IN THE FACE, TELLING HER TO SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP.  SHE SAT THERE IN THE DARKNESS, HOLDING HER HAND TO HER FACE, WHERE THE MAN SHE LOVED  HAD STRUCK HER, WONDERING WHAT LAY AHEAD FOR HER. HER SWOLLEN STOMACH, SURROUNDING ME WITH ITS BODILY WARMTH, PROTECTING ME FROM THE VIOLENCE OUTSIDE. QUIETLY SHE SHED HER TEARS ALONE, FIGHTING BACK THE WAVES OF PAIN THAT INGULFED HER, THE WAVES COMING AND GOING, STRONGER AS EACH ONE PASSES. SHE SAT THERE ON THE EDGE OF HER MARRIAGE BED, SILENTLY SWALLOWIN THE PAIN SHE FELT, NOT JUST THE PHYSICAL PAIN, BUT ALSO THE PAIN TO HER HEART, HER SOUL.  DAWN BROKE, ALONG WITH MY MOTHER’S WATER, AND THIS TIME SHE KNEW FOR SURE, I WOULD BE MAKING MY ENTRANCE INTO THE WORLD VERY SHORTLY.
MY MOTHER LOOKED OVER TO WHERE MY FATHER LAY, SNORING LOUDLY IN HIS EUPHORIC SLUMBER, UNSURE IF SHE SHOULD WAKE HIM OR NOT, HER FACE STILL STUNG FROM WHERE HE HAD HIT HER BEFORE, BUT SHE WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN, ANSD SHE COULD FEEL MY TINY BODY SHIFTING ITS WAY DOWN. SHE SHOOK HIM GENTLY; HE DIDN’T BUDGE, SO SHE SHOOK HIM AGAIN A BIT HARDER. MY FATHER SAT UP HIS FACE BATHED IN DRUNKEN ANGER, “WHAT DO WANT, CAN’T YOU JUST LET ME SLEEP?” HE SHOUTED AT HER. “LEAVE ME ALONE, JUST WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” MY MOTHER TRIED EXPLAINING TO HIM, BUT THEN ANOTHER WAVE OF PAIN SHOT THROUGH HER,  LIKE A KNIFE TWISTING BACK AND FORTH INB HER GUT, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER TO SPEAK., WHICH JUST MADE MY FATHER EVEN MORE ANGRY. HE TOLD HER HE WAS LEAVING AND GOING FISHING. HE LEFT MY MOTHER THERE ALONE, IN PAIN, UNCARING OF HER NEEDS. SHE CALLED A GOOD FRIEND WHO TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL, AND MY DAD WELL HE MADE THE NEWSPAPER BECAUSE THE COAST GUARD HAD TO GO OUT ON LAKE MICHIGAN TO FIND HIM, IT MADE A GREAT STORY IN THE PAPER, A DADDY BY LAND AND BY SEA, THE ARTICLE SAID OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IF THEY ONLY KNEW WHAT REALLY LAY BEHIND THE HEADLINES. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, HOW CAN YOU NOT HATE HIM?  ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF, BUT I GUESS FOR ME HATING HIM WOULD BE EASY, LOVING HIM AND FORGIVING HIM FOR HIS TRANGRESSIONS IS A MUCH HARDER ROAD TO TRAVEL
  .

    WHEN I WAS A YEAR OLD, THE DOCTORS FOUND OUT MY HIP WASN’T FULLY DEVELOPED, MY MOM SAID I USED TO CRY ALL THE TIME AND SHE DIDN’T KNOW WHY. MY GRANDMOTHER, GRANDMA BEHR, SUGGESTED TAKING ME TO THE DOCTOR, SHE TOLD MY MOTHER, IT DIDN’T LOOK LIKE I WAS CRAWLING RIGHT, AND I GUESS EVERYTIME I TRIED CRAWLING I WOULD CRY. THE DOCTORS TOOK X-RAYS AND FOUND THAT MY HIP WAS MISSING A PART OF THE JOINT, SO IT WASN’T CONNECTED.
      AFTER ALL THE TESTS AND X-RAYS THEY TOLD MY MOTHER THAT I WOULD NEED HIP SURGERY, A BONE GRAPH, AND I WOULD HAVE TO BE IN A FULL BODY CAST FOR 6 MONTHS. SO MY MOTHER, MY NOW 18 YEAR OLD MOTHER, TOOK THE TASK AT HAND, THE WELL BEING OF HER CHILD, AND GAVE HER CHILD THE BEST SHE COULD. COUNTLESS TRIPS TO THE HOSPITAL, THEN THE HOURS WAITING AS MY FIRST OF MANY SURGERIES.
        SHE HAS TOLD ME A LOT OF THESE THINGS, LIKE GOING TO THE DOCTOR EVERY YEAR FOR A CHECKUP ON MY HIP, LEARNING HOW TO WALK OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AFTER EACH TIME I WOULD GET MY CAST OFF, AND I REMEMBER ALMOST NONE OF IT. I FEEL LIKE I WAS NEVER A CHILD, AS IF ONE DAY I JUST SHOWED UP ON THIS EARTH, A GROWN UP. I OFTEN WONDER WHY I CAN’T REMEMBER, AND TRY AS I MIGHT, ONLY BITS AND PIECES FIND THERE WAY TO MY MEMORY.
        SO MUCH HAPPENED TO MY MOM, TO MY BROTHER, AND TO ME YET I CAN’T REMEMBER MUCH AT ALL, SOME DAYS THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME, BECAUSE I FEEL AS IF I AM A WOMAN WITHOUT A PAST. MY MOM ALWAYS TELLS ME, ITS PROBABLY BETTER THAT I DON’T REMEMBER MUCH OF WHAT WAS, BECAUSE THEN I DON’T HAVE TO DWELL ON IT, BUT I DWELL ON IT ANYWAY.
, BECAUSE I DON’T REMEMBER MUCH