In The Red

[EXT. TWO EXTREMELY FAT AFRICAN STATESMEN, BOTH WITH SUNGLASSES, ONE IN COMBAT GEAR WITH A MONTECRISTO (YAKUBU), THE OTHER IN NO MORE THAN SILKY, BLUE SHORTS (IBRAHIM), LOUNGING BY A SWIMMING POOL, IN THE BAKING SUN, IN THE GROUNDS OF A MANSION. YAKUBU IS READING A TABLOID. IBRAHIM IS VIEWING A LAPTOP. THERE IS A SMALL TABLE NEAR YAKUBU, WITH A COCKTAIL, NOTEPAD AND PEN]

YAKUBU – Extraordinary. Dee Delly Mell. Normally soo accurate wid its infomairshun. [SHOWING HIM NEWSPAPER] Where do dey get deeze rideekulass figass?

IBRAHIM - [PEERING CLOSELY AT NEWSPAPER AND READING SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY] Tie yarr assets app in silicon.

YAKUBU – "Under" dee summits meetin’ in Jordan. Where it say “two English pounds can feed an entire family in our country for six months”. What family is diss? I barely ‘ave enough to rab two wives togedder.

IBRAHIM – [LOOKING DOWN AT HIS ROLLS OF FAT] I too have tightened my belt recently. You will nat believe diss, but my brodda can no longer afford to consume iz own wairght in jam every afternoon. [IBRAHIM CONSIDERS THIS STATEMENT FOR A MOMENT, QUIZZICALLY] An’ yet, iz mouth still attract mountains o’ flies. Every time ‘ee address dee National Assembly.

YAKUBU – I feel eh big wind comin’. In my water. [SQUIRMS UNEASILY] Eh wind of chenge. Bringin’ untold relief…..

IBRAHIM [POINTING TO COCKTAIL]: Perhaps you are overdoin’ dee brandy. In your Gaviscon.

YAKUBU – … when dee generous people of dee UK pay each other to rairn manny an us, farra little while.

IBRAHIM – By dee fertile knob of Haile Selassie, dat Bloody Nose Day don’t ‘arf cam round quick…

YAKUBU – Red Nose Day.

IBRAHIM - Red Nose, bluenose, fuck knows which calla baddy-part it all camm from. What we gat on diss yarr’s shappin’ list?

[YAKUBU PUTS DOWN THE NEWSPAPER AND PICKS UP THE NOTEPAD AND PEN]

YAKUBU – As Minister of Social Welfare and Vote-Rigging, your wishes come first.

IBRAHIM [CONCENTRATING ON HIS LAPTOP] - I am biddin’ for eh nice little set of Eh-K-47s, on E-bay. To cheer me up. After dee death of my poor modda. On ‘oliday, in Switzerland.

YAKUBU - What make you decide to send 84 year-old Nigerian lottery winner ‘ang-glidin’ down dee Matterhorn? Eh-part fram y’brodda own dee insurance company.

IBRAHIM – She wurra very lucky lairdy. "‘Ee" wanted ta swappa farra a vat o’ peanut butter. Under dee Fairtrade agreement. Anyway, ‘oo am I to complairn eh-bout people’s wishes? [BANGING THE KEYBOARD WITH HIS FIST] Damn! Sam bastard in Peckham jast offah sixty-two quid. You gat any better ideas?

YAKUBU - I could eliminate dee Basket Tribe.

IBRAHIM - Who?

YAKUBU - Doze nomad bastards. Tie rocks to dare cocks in kindergarten, get to twenty-one, an’ roll up ‘em in a giant piece’ah wicker. [IMITATES MAN ROLLING UP HOSE-LIKE PENIS]

IBRAHIM - Really?

YAKUBU - You should see dee size a’ summa dem? Totem to scrotum, tree furlongs. Believe me, you don’t want to be in dee vicinity when dey get one a’dare mood swings.

[IBRAHIM GRADUALLY RAISES AN ARM, IN AN EFFORT TO MEASURE THESE HOSE-LIKE MONSTERS, REALISES HIS HAND WILL RISE NO FURTHER, AND LOOKS UP INTO THE SKY]

IBRAHIM - Best natta get ‘em too excited.

YAKUBU – Ashually, I was tinkin’ marra samtin’ to replairce my first wife, Quinn Loosanlesi.

IBRAHIM – I could lend you eh Chieftain tank.

YAKUBU - She warr everything ya want inna woman. Moist an’ bendy. Wid a cleavage soo deep, it almost strack oil. Took years a’ drug-traffickin’ to pay farr all dat plastic surgery.

IBRAHIM - Unfortunately, tootally frigid. You could have fired eh guided missile up ‘er quim, an’ never found dee G-spot.

YAKUBU – Still, she medd a very tairsty sacklin’ pig.

IBRAHIM – Yes, I personally saw to dee stuffin’ of ‘er myself.

[YAKUBU LOOKS BACK AT HIS NOTEPAD]

YAKUBU – It say ‘ere, we still ‘ave to find samtin’ to enhance dee lives of dee apparently starving, destitute, ‘omeless children of diss country.

[IBRAHIM CONSIDERS THIS FOR MOMENT]

IBRAHIM – ‘ow eh-bout eh bouncy castle?

YAKUBU – If we could rent one farra day.

IBRAHIM – So watta we gat now an’ dee wish-list?

YAKUBU – [ADJUSTS HIS GLASSES AND READS CAREFULLY] five andred semi-automatic rifles, tirty-six racket-launchers, two jam factories…. [PAUSES MOMENTARILY]… an’ eh bouncy castle.

[LOOKS AT IBRAHIM]

You think we gat enough fadee kids?

IBRAHIM – Twill light app der little fairces. As dee grairt Lord Jemmy Allivah of Sainsbury ‘imself say, “It’s nat every day you get to mairke such a big difference ta someone’s life”.