Southern Charm

“Officer, Honey? Can y’all please help me out here?
“Yes, Ma’am, what can I do for you?”
I need to git my little ol’ self down to the Mayberry Auction House, Sugar.”
Well, Ma’am, you need to go three blocks west then turn right on Shalimar St., then you can’t miss it.”
“Shalimar! My dear departed Momma used to use that Shalimar. It smelt just like heaven in a bottle.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“Why, Sir, that is jest so kind of you to offer!”
“Uh, yes?”
“See, I don’t have what y’all call good senses of di-rection, so it would be just de-lightful if’n you’d show me the way, personal-like.”
“Ma’am, I have to stay on this street tonight, It won’t be any trouble to find.”
“My, my, I jest can-not believe a big strong man like you would deny a lady in distress! Chivalry is, alas, dead.”
“Ma’am, I would be happy to escort you, but…”
“Good, then. That’s settled. Let us depart.”
“Ma’am, you are perfectly safe on these streets, and it really isn’t very difficult to find.”
“Sugar, jest you hush, now, I think it is a fine and civic duty y’all are doin’. I can-not wait to git back home an’ tell all my friends how charming and helpful these here city folk are.”
Sigh. “Yes, Ma’am, alright. It shouldn’t take too long I guess.”
“That’s the spirit, Sugar!. See, you jest haf’ta look at it in the right frame of mind’s all.”
“I suppose so, Ma’am.”
"Are you married, Hon?"
"No, Ma'am."
"How about family? I always thought family was real important."
"No, most of my family's gone, actually. I do have an uncle in Spokane."
“Honey, I thought you said it was three blocks, I feel like we have jest been a’walkin’ forever.”
“We’ve gone two blocks, Ma’am. It’s not much farther.”
“Sugar, my feet is jest hurtin’ me somethin’ awful. Do you mind if’n we’s jest stop a spell in this here alley? I see a lovely step there where I can catch my breath.”
“Fine, Ma’am. Are you feeling well, Ma’am, You’re looking a little pale.”
“Of course, Darlin’ I jest need to set a spell, if’n you don’t mind.”
“Sure, sure, I understand.”
“Sugar, could you come over here and help me git back up, I think I am jest about as ready as I can be, now.”
“Yes. Uh, Ma’am, is there something wrong with your teeth?”
“Not at all, sugar, They has to be this way. They's all the better to eat you with my dear.”
“You’re not a woman, you’re a… you’re a…”
“Yes, I do believe the gals down home will enjoy it here. Oh, and the word y’all was trying to say is Vampire, Dear, and you were quite tasty. Oopsy, I guess chivalry is dead. Ha, ha, ha!”


Word count: 477