The Struggle

The Struggle
It was so cold outside the car that the frost crept up over the windows and chilled through to my insides. Adrian gripped his steering wheel, shifting his eyes nervously from the mirror to the radio. My arms were shaking. I was sure that they had been frozen solid. I wanted to say something, to comfort him in some way, but I knew that was impossible. Adrian was stuck in a place that even my voice couldn't follow.
Headlights shone through our windshield from far down the road. Adrian turned to me hopefully, but all I could offer him was a shrug of my shoulders. I felt useless. The car pulled up next to us and Adrian rolled down the window. The cold didn't spare us; it charged in and covered every piece of my body. I struggled to keep my teeth from chattering. This wasn't my moment.
A blonde head stuck out from the other car; beady eyes and small ears were all that I could see through the frost. The wind was making my eyes water and I couldn't stop it.
"How is he?" It was the first thing that Adrian had said since it happened. It made me realize that I hadn't spoken either, and that I couldn't remember what my voice sounded like.
"The paramedics took him. We're going to the hospital now? Are you coming?" The blonde said. If I had been watching them, I know she would have been glaring at me. Adrian turned. His eyes pleaded with me for some kind of guidance. I could give him none. I turned away and, instead, focused on the contours of his dashboard.
"Is it safe?" I heard him say. I wanted to block them out. I drowned out their voices with the sound of my hammering heart and weighty breaths. The next thing my brain realized was the parting lights of the other car. I was shaking. Adrian was too, but it wasn't from the cold.
"I'm so sorry, you must be freezing." Adrian pulled his jacket from his shoulders and wrapped it around me. "I've been ignoring you, I'm sorry." I managed to shake my head. Adrian turned away, as though just looking at me was too much for him to bear. I could nearly see the wheels in his mind turning, creaking and shifting so much it was painful. I felt like a spectator. My whole body felt awkward and out of place. I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. I tried holding onto Adrian's jacket from the inside but it kept falling onto my knees.
"I should go," he said finally.
"He is your best friend." My voice filled the car. It almost made me sick to listen to.
"You don't want to go," he said. It wasn't a question. He was picturing the scene where I showed up at the hospital, around all of his friends. It had been Adrian who had put his best friend there, but he was still more welcome than I would ever be. I wrapped the jacket tighter around my shoulders. It didn't help my body's shaking.
"I'll wait in the car," I told him. Adrian laughed.
"It's freezing inside the car."
"No colder than it will be in that hospital."
Adrian turned to me, smiling slightly. He placed his hand on the side of my face. I felt small in his strong grip; I knew I was small. I had been for the duration of our six month relationship. All of his friends hated me; and with good reason. I was the reason that Adrian had put his best friend in the hospital. But I loved him so much that I was going to hold onto him for as long as my weak bones would allow me to. Even if I didn't deserve him.
"I love you," he said. "And it doesn't matter what those assholes think of it. Understand?" Adrian kissed me lightly. He smelled like blood from the busted lip his best friend had given him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to tell him that it was alright; that I didn't mind the looks his friends gave me. I wanted to tell him that their eyes didn't burn right through my skin and expose my soul for their judgment.
But I couldn't tell him that. My hands were frozen still and my tongue was swelled up inside my mouth. My body refused to let me lie. Adrian turned the car back on.
"You'll be with me," he said. "You'll be alright."
I stared out through the window at the starless sky. I hadn't expected any of this. When Adrian had run off after his best friend, I had expected them to talk about it and make amends. I half expected Adrian to turn on me, to finally be convinced that I was no good and he should be done with me. But that hadn't happened. Our world had been turned upside down, and it was completely my fault.

The hospital was just as cold as I expected it to be. It was long and white and the fluorescent lights made my eyes burn. All three of Adrian's friends were strewn across the uncomfortable wooden chairs in the waiting room. I wanted to pull Adrian into me, to completely hide myself behind his long frame. He wrapped his arm around my waist, instead, and pulled me forward. The blonde from the car stood up first. With her sharp green eyes, she attempted to pry open our hearts. This was the girl that had known Adrian ten times as long as I did, and she hated that I knew him ten times as deeply. She glared at me, and I cowered before her. I was weak and she knew it. She could drive me into the dirt if she really wanted to.
"They said he'll be alright, some broken bones but nothing life-threatening." She placed her fingers on her hips. They were long and feminine and panted the same color as her pink halter top. I caught a glimpse at my own fingers, squat and chipped just like the rest of me.
"Good," Adrian said. "Can I see him?"
A boy who had been lying across the chair stood up and move towards us. "What exactly happened out there Adrian?" His eyes shifted from Adrian to me, and I slunk back. I hadn't even thought to ask that question, or any question for that matter. I could see from the boy's eyes that he thought he knew. I had kissed Adrian's best friend and then Adrian had gone off on the wrong person. But it wasn't the truth.
Adrian looked at me. The color in his face was completely gone. I wanted to help him, to pull him out of that room and away from them. I stood still.
"You know what happened," he said. "He ran off towards that hill. We were fighting. I mean look at me, we'd be beat up the same if he hadn't slipped down. I tried to help him but his body weight was just too much." His voice trailed off as he lost his confidence. The boy looked to the blonde and they both shook their heads. Adrian's hand was trembling. I gripped it tighter; it was the only thing I could do. I believed every bit of it. The boy and the blonde turned away from us.
"Can I see him?" Adrian asked, louder this time. My stomach sank. ‘Seeing him' meant leaving me alone with the wolves.
"Go," the blonde said without turning. Adrian faced me, holding both of my hands.
"I won't be long, I promise," he said. I nodded though my mind wanted to scream, no, that he couldn't leave me there alone. I watched him disappear behind a corner. I couldn't look at his friends, so instead I pulled his jacket over my shoulders and turned away from them. I found myself a chair in the corner of the room and burrowed into it. I didn't want them to see me and I didn't want to have to look at them. I felt my legs beginning to get weak and my body slowly melting into the seat. I could hear their hushed whispers about me. I could probably have guessed every word of it.
I had turned Adrian on his best friend. They had always held each other in higher esteem than girls, Adrian had told me that. He told me that he knew it changed once you met your soul mate. Adrian said we were soul mates, and the fact that he had stolen me from his best friend was trivial when it meant something as momentous as fate. I had only dated him for a few weeks before Adrian, but it was enough to seed hatred. And it didn't help that I was an easily disliked personality. I was quiet and had no friends, save for one, who moved to Arizona just two months before I met Adrian. I tried filling the gap she'd left with boys, mostly because I couldn't seem to get along with girls. I wasn't quite as bad as they all thought.
Adrian had changed all that. He'd changed me. He had made me the kind of person I had always wanted to be, and completely for him. His best friend had tried to test that. He tried to prove to Adrian that I was a heart breaker. His best friend failed in proving my infidelity and Adrian succeeded in putting him in the hospital. Soul mates indeed.
I huddled into Adrian's jacket, attempting to make myself as small as possible. It wasn't really working. I knew they could still see me. I had to get out of there and the only thing I could think to do was find Adrian and plead with him to take me home. I would tell him he could come back, when he was rid of me. As soon as I was out of the waiting room, I lost my courage. My hold on Adrian was weak; there was nothing truly special about me and I knew that saying or doing the wrong thing would make him realize that. I didn't know what had impaired Adrian's judgment to make him think I was the one, but I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life praying for it not to go away.
I stood in the hallway and realized I was utterly lost. I was stuck in purgatory, and the end of the white tunnel terrified me. I started to walk the other way; listening to the sound of my rubber soles thumping on the linoleum. The hospital was too white; too clean. It was as though someone had stuck a vacuum tube to the doors and sucked out all of the emotions. I felt dead inside.
Adrian walked out into my path. His eyes were red and the sight of them made my stomach turn. I hated hurting him but I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop it. He stepped towards me. I could nearly feel my shoes sinking into the ground.
"I couldn't be in there anymore." I told him. I heard my voce cracking and I knew I was going to cry. I tried to swallow my tears but it was no use. Adrian wrapped his arms around me. "Did you go talk to your friends? I'm sure they're waiting for you." I said.
"I'm sorry," Adrian said.
"Why? None of this,"
"I'm sorry I've put you through this for so long. I've kept thinking they would come around, realize what an amazing person you are. But all I've been doing is hurting you." He was crying. My heart was breaking.
"We shouldn't have even gone to that stupid party. I'm sorry. I'm done with them." He held me tight. I pushed myself away to look at his face.
"You can't be done with them. They're your only friends."
"They don't care about me. If they did they wouldn't treat you the way they do." He pulled away and looked into my eyes. I felt lost. "All I need is you." He kissed my forehead and pulled me down the hallway, away from the waiting room. The moment was surreal. With his arm around my waist we left the hospital, and abandoned all our reservations.