Master Mask Maker

Children collect a multitude of personal treasures
that bring them comfort and security
some dolls – some cards
me
I collected masks

As other children were playing house
using dolls pretending to be moms and dads
I used my masks pretending to be brave and strong

As situations arose
I would create new masks to hide behind
Masks that made me superhuman
That deflected affliction and rejection

And so my accumulation began
I not only collected
But designed and fashioned the masks
Each to fit a specific me that
I was incapable of being on my own
Each wedging more distance between
My frightened child within
And the world outside

At first my masks were simplistic and artless
Composed of little more than eyes
But with years of experience I have matured into
A master mask maker

Each mask now possess
Its own identity , style and
The most intricate of details
For the masks must be convincing

As much as I yearn for you to be able to
Understand me – what’s behind each mask
I cannot take them off
For I fear you will discover what I already know

That I am bad
That I am not a pillar of strength
But a caterpillar
Longing to spin a cocoon
In which I could hide away from the world
That I fear rejection
That I feel torment and insult like everyone else
Behind my painted smile lies an ocean
Of unspilled tears
I am not so confident as people imagine
But rather I am terrified of failure
So I do not try

You see I can’t take my masks off
For they are like bandages
Covering my raw and open wounds
If you saw what was beneath my masks-
My bandages
I fear you would become
Nauseous and repulsed
Turning away from me forever

Thus I live my life a lie
On a stage
Modeling my line of masks for you
But you will not find me there
For none of them are me

Even I do not know who I am
For I am but a silent cry
Lost behind the enchantment and intrigue
Of a line of masks that my mind generated
But long ago lost control of

It has been decades
Since my own eyes have gazed upon the sun
And bathed in its warmth
The world I have seen
Through the hollow eyes
Of a façade

But I grow weary of this life
I long to shed my masks
But have not the fortitude
What if my masks are the hero
And I sacrifice them
Only to be left with a nothingness
Existing in my core
A leper whose years of shame and embarrassed
Are exposed at the drop of a mask

I ask your help and encouragement
In gently luring the mask from my face
For what I fear even more than discovering
What lies buried beneath my mountain of masks
Is never knowing

Never knowing
If I can be liked for the person I am
Without all the polish and garnish
Never knowing
What it feels like to be spontaneous
To allow myself feelings
Mistakes

I fear never seeing the world
Without armored walls surrounding me
I fear not having the opportunity to discover
And grow in my real self

So now I come to you
My trembling hands extended toward
Your tender understanding touch
I ask you join me in my mission
My quest to find myself
The person behind the masks

The journey will be difficult
For my walls are tall and thick
Their roots strong
My fronts are complicated and
My holograms deceiving
But please do not give up on me

You are my key to the gateway of light
Only then
When my masks have been shed
When your strong gentle hands
Have brought my walls crashing down
Can I stand in the purity of the light
And recapture what was once mine
Before I lost it in the confusion of my childhood –
Me