Smile

Smile
By: April Li

Haley

It was that unexplainable look on her face that made me shed tears. Though I was only fourteen, I understood what that look meant. It showed despair and hopelessness, because all chances are gone. She told me she wanted to become a writer, she told me she wanted to become a singer, and she told me she wanted to be something. But all she ended up was a useless person lying in bed. She was only but fifteen…already her dreams had crashed. This girl’s name was Lily, my sister.

She blames me for everything. She blames me for stealing her dolls, her food, her parent’s love, even her desires. Maybe I did first become a great writer, and then stepped up in my career as a singer. But it wasn’t like I wanted to ‘steal’ my sister’s most wanted dreams. I really feel bad toward her, lying in the hospital everyday, unable to do anything she truly loves. I understand why she yells at me everyday and always forbidding me to see her.

“GO AWAY HALEY! Can’t you understand English?” Lily furiously yells as her evil eyes shot at me. I sand silently with a basket of flowers and fruits, listening to her deep breathing. Lily sat crossed arms with her tangled hair streaming down her face, staring out the window with angered eyes. Slowly, I crept my way up to her bed and settled the basket next to her. I knew if I said anything, she’d pretend she didn’t hear anything. So I decided to leave it at that, and walk out of the room without another word.

It’s not easy to see your rival on television, being a world famous star. Especially when you know you don’t even have a chance to try to beat your rival, because you’re stuck in a room for the rest of your life. I understand, but I may not exactly know what Lily is feeling, yet I do know she is suffering quite a lot.

Lily

I despise her. I hate her. I wish she didn’t exist. Why is she even my sister? This girl is such a thief. It’s unfair. She stole everything I ever wanted all my life. She took away my dreams! Now every night, I’m having nightmares rather than hopes; all because of HER, Haley, my untrustworthy younger sister.

I sit on this hospital bed everyday having nurses come in with their clipboards, sending in food, checking on me as if I’m supposed to be an item to be updated. I can’t believe even my parents agreed to have me live in a hospital; they thought it’d be SAFER. I see my Haley cry occasionally when she sees me; but what good will her crying do. I don’t care if she really does care about me, she obviously doesn’t show it when she’s become the world famous pop star.

I see myself in the mirror as a different person now. I’m hopeless. I’m torn. I’m dreamless. I’ve also become pale and sick. My lips have turned purple with large black bags under my eyes. I’m extremely thin and my hair is like some dead witch’s messed up wig. I don’t remember how to smile anymore and I don’t remember how to laugh. Now that I think of it, I don’t think I ever really did smile or laugh; because Haley took away everything ever since she was born into my life.

Why did it have to be me? I still question that same problem everyday. Why did Haley get everything she wanted and I’m sick? What a cruel fate, cruel world. It’s not fair, it’s not fair; it’s not fair! I want to run away, somewhere far. I’ve always wanted to run when I was younger. Maybe because running will let me feel like I’m flying, like I’m free, like I’ve finally achieved something. But my weak sick legs won’t allow me to even achieve this kind of goal, to run far, far away.

Haley stands on the other side of the bed speechless with her basket of flowers and fruits. Why does she even try? I’ll never feel better; I’ll never grin. I bet she’s pretending to care because she wants to look like she’s doing a good deed. It’s working, all the nurses adore her. How gullible. I just stare out the window, watching everyone else play outside, giggling and whatnot. My heart could almost scream as I see this scene.

Haley

I wish there was some way my sister will get better. I wish that somehow, she’ll get out of the hospital healthy and with all the hopes arising in her. I want her to live a great life, experience a great event, and go through love. But even Lily is refusing to get better; she’s already lost everything, so there is nothing to gain.

It’s about eleven-thirty at night, Lily is asleep. The room is silent except the beeping of the monitor that is following Lily’s heartbeat. I grab a plastic chair and push it next to her bed. Quietly, I take off my leather jacket and un-wrap the red scarf from my neck. I grab a book out of my large bag, it read Elsewhere. My fingers flip to the first page and start to read the story in a whisper. One of my hand reaches for Lily’s bony pale hand that lay next to her body. Her hand is so cold and it was so skinny that it feels like I’m holding a skeleton.

I don’t know what Lily is dreaming, or if Lily can hear my story. But this story is speaking out to her…I hope, that she’ll listen to it.

Lily

Do those nurses even have a life? Coming into my room so late at night to check on me, it’s just unnecessary. I hear heels clicking on the marble floor and earring dangling. Maybe it wasn’t a nurse. Then I hear a bag shifting side to side and the squeaking of a leather jacket. Could it be Haley? Goodness, she can be so funny. Why the heck is she here so late?

I keep my eyes closed and pretend I’m sleeping. I definitely don’t want to look at her or listen to her speak to me. But then I hear paper rustling and Haley’s voice softly speaking a story.

“Why was it me? I ponder back and forth. Why did this happen to me? There was no answer. I could almost feel as if everything was lost, I was useless. I want to love; I want to live as a normal being. But all I knew was that I was going to be an angel. I may be stuck on this bed forever, but one day, I’ll get out of here, just not with these human legs. When I’m an angel, I want to fly and soar into the sky…”

Suddenly I feel a hand hold onto mine. It was so warm…Haley was holding my hand and telling me this story. I could feel the tears coming out of my eyes. My lips tighten as I listen to that story and feel the warmth of Haley’s hand. I may want to fly too, but I want to run more. Because flying is for angels, running is for humans that have hope. I want to run, I need to run…then I will know that I’m satisfied.

I’ve never heard of this story before. But it was killing me softly, yet I still want to hear it. Haley’s gentle voice is streaming into my ears, making the story even sadder.

Haley

Soft piano is playing and it vibrates softly in my ears. The melody is quite significant and a wonder. I count the beats and began to sing with the keys. My songs are full of passion but yet sometimes can be saddening. I’m known for my voice but I’m not known for writing the songs. My lyrics cannot be written because I don’t have the feeling. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to write feelings into words, it’s too difficult. Even Lily used to yell at me for writing such terrible music. Well she criticizes me for everything, but lyrics especially.

Is it okay to feel guilt? Is it okay to feel regret? Is it okay to feel betrayal? I think it is okay, but I’m not sure if it’s okay to feel all of these together. These three things make me suffer inside. I know I can quit my job for my sister’s sake, but sometimes, people have to do things for themselves too. I’m only doing this job, because, our family is poor, and Lily needs to pay hospitalization fees. I want to help everyone I can first before I start to serve myself.

The sun is setting, painting the sky with multicolor and I settle in Lily’s hospital room. She’s eating her dinner as she stares at the television with her same furious emerald eyes.
“Here again?” her tone was colored with impatience. Again, I stand silently. She turns her head towards me with a crooked look on her face. “Are you deaf? Or you don’t know how to talk?”
I sit onto a chair with my legs crossed, and shrugged. Anything I say would go in her ear and out the other.
“Fine, don’t talk. I don’t even know you anymore, get out.” Lily pushes her tray onto the ground and buries herself under the covers. I pick up her spoon and bowls, settling it on a desk. I crouch next to Lily and place my head on the side of the bed. I stare onto Lily’s dead pale face and chapped lips. Then I look at the black circles around her eyes. I start to hum a song and sang softly. My hand reaches out to Lily’s face as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ears. I saw Lily’s lips tighten and eyebrows arching together into a worried expression.

Lily

Stupid Haley and her stupid job on the stupid television; I sip the soup that sits in front of me until someone came in. From the corner of my eye, I could tell it was Haley. She never talks every time I ask her a question, so I turn my head. Her golden hair fell to her shoulders and her green eyes stares at me. She still doesn’t talk, so I decide to bury myself in the bed instead. Why do I even try to make conversation or waste my energy yelling at her?

I feel Haley’s presence as she settles next to my bed. Unexpectedly, she starts to sing a song. A song I’ve never heard her sing.

“I’ve done so many amazing things.
I’ve been to so many beautiful places too.
But what I never realized,
Was how much I was hurting you.

I have regrets. I have mistakes.
I have faults. I want to say sorry.
But you will never listen to me…”

I realize it is a song that Haley wrote….for me. Again, I feel the inside of me aching. She never could write lyrics, until now. I try to hold in my cry as Haley puts a string of hair behind my ear. I feel so shameful crying in front of Haley, HALEY! After all my angry screams against her, she’s still so kind to me. She’s not pretending…I just tried to lie to myself that Haley was a terrible person, a liar. But she’s not….she’s really a warm-hearted sister. I’m sorry to her, but I can’t say it.

Haley

The cameras follow me and I bring a bunch of little children into Lily’s room. Lily had that scared look on her face and sending me the expression ‘what’s-going-on’. I hand the microphone to Lily.

“Sing for us Lily,” I say. She didn’t reply to me, she just looks at the camera staring at her. Though she has no clue what was going on, softly she started to sing into the microphone. She is singing my song, the one I sang last time to her, the one I wrote for her. The children around me jump up and down cheering on Lily. The cheers helped Lily sing louder and with more courage.

I could see the smile hidden beside the voice of Lily’s; I could tell she was pumping with excitement just by the way she was singing. Her eyes were sparkling, after all these years. Finally the song ends, the cameras are off, the children is gone.

”What was that for?” Lily asked. And for the first time, I’m going to reply to her.
“I came for a charity event, and it was the perfect opportunity to make you famous for five minutes.”
Lily doesn’t reply, as I expected, she doesn’t hear me. But…she actually spoke again.
“Well there goes my five minutes of fame.”
“Sorry it couldn’t be longer…” I drop my head down and twirl my fingers around.
”That’s okay…” Lily turns her head to me and grabs my hand. “…at least I was actually on camera for the first time ever… five minutes feels like forever for me.”
My heart jumped when she takes my hand and she actually was smiling at me.
“Thank you Haley,” she whispered with her head tilted. Suddenly her face doesn’t seem so pale and her expression doesn’t seem so hopeless. She said ‘thank you’. Am I dreaming?
“I know it is weird how I’m acting right now, so you can’t say anything.” Lily bites her lips and continues, “…but I want to say I’m sorry. I was a fool for acting like what I was before. I guess I was so insanely jealous that I even pretended you weren’t my sister. I mean, I’m still grieving over how you took away all my dreams but I can’t stay mad at you forever. My life isn’t worth being stumped over just because I’m mad at you. So, I’m sorry.”
My eyebrows came together as I scrunch up my face when I hear Lily saying these things to me.

Lily

I am singing, I am singing…in front of cameras. I’m going to be on television, for five minutes, my five minutes of fame. I can’t believe it. Though it is only five minutes, it feels like an eternity because one of my dreams has been fulfilled. I am singing.

If it wasn’t for Haley, I couldn’t have done this. I was going to forgive her anyway, but today she puts me on television too, which makes me realize what a true sister she really is. I apologize to her as Haley stays speechless. I’m not shameful anymore, because I should be doing this. I should be saying sorry for acting like such a cruel person towards Haley. She doesn’t deserve it; she’s doing so many things for my sake. I see Haley’s tears flowing down her rosy cheeks, but the look she carries on her face was a relieved and happy cry. A smile and tightened face…oh Haley…I’m sorry.

Haley

Lily told me before she wanted to run. I want to also create that dream for her to turn into reality. I grab Lily out of bed and she yells at me playfully, “What do you think you’re doing?” I lead her outside the room and we stare down a very long hallway. The hallway was shining and we can see our reflection. She scrunches up her plastic hospital dress and asks me, “What are you thinking…”

I take Lily’s hand, kick off my heels, and flicked my hair to the side. “READY?” I question.
”Ready for what?” Lily’s voice turns into surprise and her eyes widen. My iron grasp tightens even more on Lily’s hand as I started to run down the hall with her. She screams with shock and joy. A nurse passing us yells, “Hey! Wha-Hey! Stop running! Don’t run!” But her voice is blocked out because Lily and I were screaming with laughter.

Lily

Now I am running. It feels like, all the voices, all the past, everything that is happening now, is all blocked out. All I see is a hallway, a long endless hallway that I’m running on with my cold bare feet. My hand is full of warmth by holding onto Haley. Everything is slowed down, every thump of the floor trembles; I can see every moment clearly changing. Like Haley’s smile, I can see how her grin is growing wider and wider.

My hair feels like it’s in the wind, my dress is being pushed against me, air is going into my eyes as if there is a strong breeze; I feel like I’m flying…finally. I’m smiling now. I can’t believe it myself, I’m smiling. I feel all my hopes are restored, I feel happiness growing within. Haley and I, like foolish kids, are now running down this very hallway, giggling and smiling so big, the feeling is indescribable.

We crash onto the floor at the end, though the hallway still seems endless. We’re still chuckling and fixing out hair from the frizz ness. I pound the floor, unable to stop laughing; I am too much in joy. I can feel the gaze that Haley was giving me; she’s smiling because I’m smiling. I thank her for this gift.

Haley

Lily is finally smiling. My heart is much as ease now, knowing Lily isn’t going to leave this world with dead hopes and dreams. She’s not going to leave this world still feeling hatred towards me. But I know deep inside, she’s never hated me…like I’ve never hated her even though she abused me and screamed at me everyday in the past. She is my sister, my one and only beloved sister.

Lily

I can dream once more. I can hope once more. I can laugh and smile. I have gotten everything I’ve always wanted now. Maybe not the fame, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I may not have my parent’s love still, but that doesn’t matter either now. All I care for is my sister, Haley. She’s giving me almost everything I’ve never had. If I didn’t have a sister like Haley, then probably I would have left the world as another useless dead corpse. Now my life has turned brighter, all because of my sister, Haley. I don’t know exactly how much time I have left, but that has no impact on me. I just know that no matter how much longer I’ll live, I can run. I’m going to keep running; because as long as I keep running, I’ll always show everyone my smile. When I’m gone, Haley can’t cry, I won’t allow her to. Just smile Haley, just like how you make me smile. Then I can be an angel in heaven, looking over you.