The Serial Killer.

Hello Darling Gran, I am so sorry that I got angry with you in my last letter. I know it's not your fault that you are such a drain on the family.

I am aware that you have problems of your own to worry about Gran, but I think It's about time you got over the fact that your legs aren't there anymore. I mean it's not as if you have anywhere to go!

Also I wish you would stop complaining that nobody visits. You know we are all very busy and it's silly to worry, when you know very well that we are just up the  road, within walking distance, should you ever really need us.

Bob and I actually went to the trouble of walking to the nursing home the other night, just to see how long it would take to get there, should an emergency situation ever arise. So, say something serious happened, (like you died or something,)  we estimate that, walking at a steady pace, we could get there in less than six minutes! Bob said we will probably get there quicker next time because we might be sober, which would mean we wouldn't have to take the time to stop every few minutes to yell abuse at passing strangers.

We were going to pop in to see you while we were there, but Bob said that, that  horrible hissing sound your respirator makes gives him the creeps. He said other horrible things too, but I don't want to tell you what they were because I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Now Gran, Doctor Martin phoned to tell us that you have been so frightened by all of this 'serial killer gossip,' that you have been having nightmares, waking up screaming, wetting yourself, etc, etc. Honestly Gran - Always the Drama Queen!


Don't you realize that you can't believe everything you read in the newspaper? Especially when it's being read to you by those silly bloody volunteers. Bob says that because they are volunteers and they aren't getting paid, that they can get a bit lazy, and I tend to agree. I know you think it's lovely when they come to visit and paint your finger nails, wash your hair, brush your teeth, cut up your food, knit little bed jackets, rub your back, make endless cups of tea, wash your hands and face, read little stories,  take you to church, wash your undies, empty your bed pan, and take you for long wheel chair rides around the garden. But other than that they don't do much at all!

Anyway, being the sensitive one in the family, it has been left to me, once again, to allay any fears you might have about being slowly tortured and brutally bludgeoned to death.

I know the thought of a cold blooded murderer lurking through dark corridors late at night in search of his next victim does sound a little scary. And I realize it would be quite terrifying to lay there weak and defenseless while your nose is bitten off and your fingers cut off one by one with a jagged saw and stuffed into your lipless, mangled mouth. I heard on the news that each victim had their heart cut out and placed on the little night stand next to their beds, ( you know, the one where you keep your teeth?)  And I saw the most horrible pictures in the paper of blood stained  knives and blood stained hammers and  blood splattered walls. Honestly Gran there was blood everywhere! Makes you feel sorry for the cleaners doesn't it?

Now Gran, this is very important, so please turn off your respirator, just for a moment or two, so that you can concentrate on what I am about to tell you. You don't need oxygen to concentrate do you?

Being bright, as I am, I have done a little investigative work of my own. I know you won't believe this Gran but I have uncovered evidence that will prove, once and for all, that you will not be the victim of a serial killer. Well, not this particular serial killer anyway.

Just one more thing. If you start to turn blue, just press the little button that is just out of arms reach and a staff member will be their in a flash .... eventually.

O.k, yes, The Granny Killer does strike at 8.pm and he has killed 8 little old ladies in 8 days. And yes, he does target substandard nursing homes, so I can see how you might think you are at risk. But I was watching Oprah the other day and she said that all serial killers tend to stick to the same plan, time after time, after time, after time, after time.  Also, they target certain types. What I mean by this is, all the victims might be blond, or they might all be short or tall or something like that. Do you understand what I'm saying? You're still breathing aren't you?

So anyway Gran, if you look at all the old ladies, ( the ones that are already dead ) you will note that they all have legs. Which pretty much counts you out!