CROSSROADS 101

Crossroads 101

Sometimes I think that the process of trying to figure out your life is more trouble than it’s worth.  It’s a big headache, when you really stop to think about it.  Life moves so fast and by the time you’ve figured it all out, it’s passed you by.  What’s the point?  I’ve never been one for thinking at a dead run but it seems like that’s the only way to do it.  My mind has always been too fast for me to keep up with anyway.  Look at me now.  I’m trying to type what I’m saying and making a big mess of it.  So maybe step one is to buy a tape recorder.

I never thought I’d be here at the age of almost 50 (and hating to admit even that much) trying to figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I wonder how many other people out there are just like me? People who woke up one day and said to themselves:  “What am I doing?  Where am I going? What do I want? And how the HELL do I get it?”

How DO I get it?

And what, precisely, is IT?

I feel so rudderless saying all of that; like I’m the blonde I often pretend to be.  But at the same time I feel like I’m on the verge of something.  Like it’s on the tip of my tongue.  Like I already know what I want but I just can’t make myself say the words.  That maybe I don’t KNOW the words or even worse, they don’t exist.

Midlife crisis is a BITCH.

Honestly?  I never really applied to the theory that it’s never too late.  In some respects, I think that it is.  And maybe that’s what is keeping me from really doing what I want to do; maybe it’s keeping me from trying to DO it.  Maybe deep down inside? 

I’ve already given up.

And if I have, then maybe this is the chance I’ve been waiting for. To find a way to start believing again, or at least to try to talk myself into not giving up. 

Not being sad.  Not thinking that my life is over.  Not thinking I have to settle for whatever I get…or whoever I get.  Not being AFRAID to be on my own or AFRAID to start over or AFRAID to be alone.

What’s wrong with being alone?  Whoever said that the only way to be happy was being WITH someone?  That only through another can you be complete?

It's a nice theory, but I never found it to be true of myself. And I'm willing to bet that there are a whole heck of a lot of people out there who feel EXACTLY the same way.

How did I ever allow myself to get into the habit of making  choices based on what the important people in my life thought of my decisions or my desires or my career path?  How did I ever manage to convince myself that any of them, even those closest to me, could ever begin to understand my wants?  My needs?

I look back on my life now and shake my head.

Did I truly love myself so little?

How did it happen?

How did I stop caring? 

About me.  About my dreams. 

How did I ever think that it was okay, even for a moment, to let go of anything that mattered to me?  That was necessary to my happiness.

Not the kind of happiness that you find in fairytales.  I'm talking about those things that complete you.  Truly complete you.

Those thing that no one else can ever hope to give to you.  To bring to you.  Or even to understand HOW to give to you.

The kind that you can only give to yourself.

Those things that bring you balance.  The compass of your heart.

The TRUE.

That's what I like to call it.  THE TRUE.

It's the part of you deep down inside that no one can ever really touch.  That no on else can ever really hope to completely understand.  Because it is for you, and you alone.

Like a secret lover....a special gift from you...to you...the loss of which takes that from you which makes you who you truly are.  The loss of which causes you to lose direction---- sometimes, forever.

It's time to wake up. Time to find my direction and stop using the compass of others; the ones which cannot hope to align themselves to my inner voices.  Time to open my eyes and breathe in deeply; understand how important my purpose is.

So that that I don’t lay down my guitar.

So that I don't lay down my voice.

So that I don't give away my ambition to another.

So that I don't lay down my dreams....or my fantasies.

By god, they’re mine.  Why the hell should I lay them down for anyone? 

Haven’t I done that too many years already?  Haven’t I already put myself last for so many years that I don’t even know how to put myself first? 

That I often don’t even know what it is that I want? 

That I get it mixed up with what others want and think it’s what I want instead? 

That I allow my guilt over letting those I love in my life down and so I give up what I want so that they are happy too? 

Scratch TOO.   

They were happy.  I wasn't. 

The old life never belonged to me in the first place. 

It belonged to everyone else.

It’s time to wake up.  Wake up.  Wake up.

The night is over.  The sun is peeking over the horizon and at long last, it’s MY sunrise; not theirs.

I CAN DO ANYTHING WITH THIS DAY THAT I WANT TO