My Internet's Not Working

"Thank you for calling (I cannot reveal due to confidentiality agreements). My name is Jim. How may I help you?"

"I can't get my Internet."

"I can most certainly help you with that. Could I have your phone number starting with the area code?"

"Now what in the Hell does that have to do with me being online?"

"Well, sir, I use that information to pull up data on your modem and your account to make sure everything is okay, and also for security purposes."

"...Oh..."

Checkmate, bitch.

"It's 555-555-5555."

"Okay...And who may I ask am I speaking with?"

"You dirty sonofabitch! Get me the fuck back online!"

At this point my face reddens a bit.

"Sir, I need to confirm this in case any sensitive information needs to be given regarding this account. With identity theft such a big issue these days, I wouldn't want that to get into the wrong hands."

Silence. Sweet I-beat-you-with-a-baseball-bat-over-the-phone silence.

After confirming the home and email addresses, we move on to the issue.

"How long have you been without an Internet connection?"

"Too long."

Ugh...

"Which lights on your modem are blinking or off?"

"The fifth and sixth."

"And what are they labeled as?"

"Can't you see that from your end?"

Would I be asking if I could?

We finally determine that the connection is okay, and that some piece of software is blocking it from coming in.

"Go ahead and disable any firewalls you might have on your computer."

"I have the one you make. Can you do that?"

"Unfortunately, I cannot."

"Why not? It's yours, isn't it?"

I want to say so bad No, it's the Internet company's, not the company that got commissioned to take its calls on its behalf, but I'd get fired for telling the truth.

"Unfortunately, I cannot control programs on your computer. Go ahead and right-click on the little shield in the bottom-right corner of your screen..."

We disable the firewall and try a test site, called purple.com.

"It came up purple."

"Good. That's exactly what was supposed to happen."

"I could have done that anyway."

"I--I'm sorry?"

"I can go to other pages just fine. I just can't get yours to open."

That's not what you said in the beginning, you fuck...

"Unfortunately, we're having issues with our homepage. Try back in twenty-four to forty-eight hours, and if it's not up by then, give us a call back."

"Not likely."

Click.

And quickly I say into the microphone, due to quality assurance recording:

"Thank you for choosing (cannot say). Once again, my name is Jim, and have a good day."

I know I won't.