Romance

You’re basing all your friends and plans
On something you don’t understand
You’re delving in the fucked-up realm
Of licking flames, of fucked-up Hell

You sat surrounding yourself with logs
Consumed with the flames, consumed with the pain
People judged, were extreme, were mean
So you cried out for more of the fire
For more gasoline

Once, you ran your hands through the flames
It’s glow and beauty called your name
Life was big – too big
Much, much, much, much, much, much too big
You read Plath and Sexton
Cursed Dad, but only temporarily left them
You hid behind a tree
Subtle as a dog on a flea
You gazed as a dream
Lying on the bathroom floor
Blood flowing as a stream

Then the most curious thing became
Endorphins rushed relieving pain
Friends called and visited
Dad accepted blame
The possibility of change…

But nothing changes
Hell remains
And the logs you had
Have burnt in shame

Your epic journey
Comes full circle
Realizations sad and hurtful
You cry out for God!
Cry for the Merciful!

But pain insists
The realm you’ve built
Traps, persists
Confusion consumes
An enemy teaches you
God doesn’t exist

You go
Running hard and with purpose
To the Great Ledge of Freedom
To the Great Ledge of Meaning
Tears flowing
Wind blowing
You climb trembling
You stand trembling
Your blood is cold as if anticipating
Your scarred hands are sweating
Mind is racing
You leap
Without thinking

And then
Nothing happens
You’re suspended gazing
The concrete looks painful
But what you see is amazing

How small it all is
How tiny life is
People like creeping bugs
Cars like moving slugs
How tiny concepts like love
Like Fame

Your final realization
Is Romance is to blame

You try to think of one last good thought
One focused memory to remain
But all that you can see
And all that can sustain
Is the thoughts of Hell
And thoughts of pain