Subtle Changes

It’s been happening… slowly but surly…  things are changing.

It’s been slow yet fast.

I’ve been happy, yet sad.

I’ve been alive.. yet dead.

I forgive without even thinking anymore.  Sometimes I put my foot down…

But I mostly want forgiveness.

Sad, sometimes I did nothing wrong…

The pain I feel now is worse than the pain I ever felt.

The funny thing is, when I was suicidal and cut… I never felt this way.

I hurt, yet I have an increasing desire for life instead of death.

Part of the pain is a desire to live.

Death, the only sure thing in this world.

Death is something I hate.  Something… horrible.  Unbearable

I never want to cause anyone the pain of losing me… yet am I losing myself?

Hard to eat, sleep, hard to breath.

Hard to exist… knowing I hurt others… but I won’t give up.

I should give up on people who hurt me, but I can’t.

Until I hear the words “I’m not your friend”

I’m stuck.

I’m stuck in my existence.

My existence with a person… it continues.

Even after they cut me off… because the string of memories is still attached to me.