Random

I hate the life of the software company life, at least at the place where I work at. Its not the technical difficulties that make it unbearable, that is the main thing that makes it bearable. The people used to help make it bearable, but they become more annoying every single day. And how I wish and want my own place. What prevents me from getting out of here and starting a new life from scratch? The fear of falling down even harder on your ass that is already sore. I mean, if you are not good at reality and you fail at making your dreams a reality, then what are you good at?

And how do people exactly move on and continue with their lives? I know that is the first step I need to do, but for some reason, Java and C are much easier to understand for me.

So much I have to do, and yet I get immobilized by fear every single time. What do I want to really have in my life? The ability to escape reality permanently. Not talking about death, that would be suicide and not right. I am talking about living in my imagination where no matter how crazy, nonsensical, and silly it is, it can be controled by me, all me.

Started to read a book almost a year ago about a woman who gets diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, how frustrated she felt with everyone from her now ex-husband to her first neurologist. Could completely understand where she was coming from. Then all of a sudden, she starts talking as a very positive person and everything seemed to be running smoothly, or at least, as smooth as it can get. Wonderfull story, I am happy she feels that way. Never finished the book though. She never explains how the change occured very well. How, how, and how?

My sister wants me to quit my job and give full time writting a shot, to at the very least get it out of my system and see if it is something I could do as a means to support myself. Great idea, but failing at writing would suck so much more than failing at Microsoft or Amazon interviews. I would be failing at something I think I could enjoy.

Despite my good grades at math and science, my personality type seems to be much more on the artistic side than the rational. Not practical after all maybe.