Letter 5-2005

5/25/05
Grasshoper,

I’m at work now and I’ve just gotten off the phone with you. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. You acted so casual, so normal…even asked if I would pick you up on Monday. Its like you have given no thought at all to the last two weeks of your life. I told you we needed to talk, you told me to send a letter – which is what I am doing right now…and hopefully it will get to you in time.

I don’t know what your letter is going to say. I’m not sure if anything you will ever say to me will matter any more. I have been thinking about you and about your life since you left. I’ve been thinking about how you left and trying to come to some understanding of what happened, what went so wrong. You are obviously seriously ill from this disease and I think you need more time than a lousy week in-patient treatment to find your way clear.

When your drinking put you in the hospital, I told myself maybe you hadn’t realized. I let all the lies and deceit go, I forgave you and took you back. For about two weeks, all the old symptoms kept creeping back, your attitude, your laziness, your mean streak, your snoring, your rotten breath…and when you denied it, when you lied to my face I once again told myself that I had to be wrong. I punished myself because I doubted you. After all, you wouldn’t possibly drink; you knew it would kill you. You talked about your procedure and your commitment to yourself to never take another drink. Thursday you were so drunk when you came to meet me, you repulsed me. You reeked of booze and still you denied it. You drove home, nearly hit three cars and the guardrail, swerving all over the road. You could have killed someone. And still you proclaimed that you were not drinking…we were all just crazy. Then I found the bottles in your car, one of them, not even empty yet. Still you denied it to everyone…still you lied to me, to your mother, your sister and Jeff. Until he snapped, then you finally admitted. Admitted that you’d started again and my world fell apart.

I know you don’t care about me. I know you don’t care about what your drinking has done to me. That’s fine. You don’t even have to keep reading. You don’t have to hear what it was like to sit next to you on your mother’s step and listen to you cry, cry about losing me, about being so sorry…you are not sorry. You are sorry you just got caught, again. You’d have kept going until you killed yourself right under my roof. And you didn’t care what kind of mess that would leave behind for me. And I don’t know if I can forgive you for that. You could have asked for help at any time. We’ve all proved our devotion and our love to you. I’ve stayed with you through everything, I’ve forgiven you every lie, and I stayed despite my own instincts telling me something was wrong. I believed in you, I believe you would ask for help if you needed it. I believed you were afraid of dying, I believed that you would never put me in this place again.

I tell myself that you couldn’t help it, that it’s a disease and that you are helpless. Then I think of your promises, your sweet demonstrations, your manipulations and lies. I think of all the knowledge you had and how your head was finally clear. I think about your sobriety – at least 60 days worth and of how God saved your life, and I think of how you were just pissing it away. I think about all the tears, all the prayers and all the dreams I wasted on you. Then I hear you casually ask me if I want to pick you up and I realize, you have no remorse for anything. I realize you don’t care about anyone but yourself. I realize that most likely, you never did love me. You had me fooled again, when you called me from your mother’s and told me that you “had to let me go, that it wasn’t fair to me…” I really thought you loved me then. That you were willing and wanting for me to have a good, happy life and that you were letting me go from this hell with you because you loved me. But perhaps, you were still drunk then. Perhaps it was yet another tool from your arsenal of manipulation that you have become so very good at using against me, against yourself.

I’ve started to pack up your things, take stock of what furniture, appliances and stuff is yours. You need to know that. I love you. I have always loved you but there is a limit to how much I am willing to let you lie to me and hurt me. I can live the rest of my life alone; I can be in love with you for the rest of my life and be apart from you. You have seriously underestimated my ability to walk away from you. My love for you made me weak before so many times, but not anymore. I will always want to be in your life. You are my best friend, but I cannot watch you destroy yourself and I cannot exist in your life merely to be used. Seth, there were moments when you first got out of the hospital that I fell in love with you all over again, moments before you started drinking when I felt sure that God had saved you to be with me, that we really could spend the rest of our life together. I really did see a wedding and babies, holidays with your family…and your eyes; they were so beautiful and clear. You kissed me and I thanked God that I would never need anyone or anything else for the rest of my life…. but then it started again. And Thursday afternoon, it finally all crumbled for me. And I’m so sad and devastated. I hurt so much. I talk to your sister and it breaks my heart. I talk to you, and I am surprised over and over again at how deeply I both love and hate you all at once.

I don’t know if this is forever, this leaving of you. I don’t know if I can get past all of this. I know I believe you can do this, that you can beat this. I know that you have a wonderful soul and beautiful heart. I still believe God saved your life for a reason. I do believe that you deserve a wonderful life. I don’t know how to leave you, only that for myself, for now, I must. I know you will not understand and that’s okay. I know you may hate me, blame me…those are all things I’m prepared to deal with. I know I will think about you every day. I know I will pray for you and your safety and your recovery every day. I know I will fall asleep every night missing you and I will live every day loving you and I am prepared for all of that too. I don’t know if there will be a time for us again, later on when you are ready – I’d love to believe that there might be. But not now, not for some time. I love you, you are my best friend in the whole world…but I can’t take you back into my home, my bed, and my heart now. I won’t even ask you to understand. I just ask that you stay strong, remember how many people love and care for you and please, please, make your life beautiful, make your life amazing and wonderful – pay everything forward and don’t look back.