Sad Story Draft

‘Did you know that 1 in 4 people die from cancer’ I shout over my shoulder at my husbands retreating back.
‘Emily will you please get off those horrible web pages’
‘Im just trying to see how many other people I will be joining amongst the statistics’
‘You will not be joining them’ says Dave angrily whilst he clambers around in the wardrobe.
‘They would not be moving me into a hospice if I was getting better Dave, that’s where they shove all the people who are going to die so that other healthy people don’t have to put up with our morose droning and constant throwing up’
‘Emily will you just shut up’ shouts Dave. I sit in silence for a moment not looking at him conflicting emotions inside my chest and then I start to cry.
‘Oh Em, im sorry’ he says coming over and hugging me to himself.
‘No Dave im sorry, im not making this easy for you am I?’
‘No you’re not’ he laughs. I feel myself relax in his arms and I sigh. I was only diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago and to think that now I may be dead soon is totally unbelievable. It’s still an alien concept to me, death. Even when I am so near to its doorstep I still shake my head when I think about its immanency. If I was 70 odd I would understand but I am only 26, a baby to the world. I should be enjoying my life, spending it with my husband of one year, planning my pregnancy, not going into a hospice waiting for death. I have had tons of support and advice but no one can tell you what to do when you only have a limited time left. My numbers up and I am seriously wondering if I want to spend the next  few months stuck in some hospice with other dying people just waiting for the hooded man with scythe to appear. Don’t get me wrong I am not scared of death, anything but. I believe in reincarnation and so have made my peace with the fact that ill probably see this world a few more times yet. But to go so soon from this life? No, im not ready, I haven’t lived enough, not by my standards.
‘Em I don’t want to lose you’ I feel my heart break at these words and I cry harder clinging to my husband. I love him so much, I have for years and to think that I will never be able to see him again, feel, touch or even talk to him, well its just unbearable. When I said my vows in church I hoped that the ‘til death do us part bit’ would be when we were both old withered great grandparents in a country retirement house, sitting on a veranda, hand in hand, still together. Now ill never see that image through, he will move on with his life and find someone new to have kids with and I will become a distant memory. He has been fantastic throughout this entire ordeal but I can see his strong veneer begin to crack. My only wish is that he will move on with his life once I am gone, that he won’t forever live in my shadow. My other wish is that perhaps reincarnation doesn’t exist and that there is a heaven so I can watch over him always.