PERCEPTIONS

                                 
                                        Perceptions

                                Go away! You don't understand.
                                I don't feel anything. I'm empty. I'm coping.
                                I need to make people understand.
                                I need them to know how I feel.
                                But they can't.
                                              Thank goodness.
     
                                Nothing matters. What's the point ?
                                People try to help - empty words.
                                Not empty to them,perhaps - but empty to me.
                                I have to do everything perfectly, properly..
                                              As he would have wanted.

                                Emptiness, nothingness, as I have never felt.
                                Sobbing - so much sobbing.
                                I can't stop - I will never stop.
                                This is how I will always feel.

                                Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong ?
                                Should I have noticed more ? Listened harder ?
                                Did he know ? Did he have a premonition ?
                                Do people blame me ?
                                                  What if ...............?

                                I can't remember what you look like.
                                I can't remember your voice.
                                I don't see your face in my dreams.
                                What's the matter with me ?
                                                  Didn't I love you ?

                                Slowly - too slowly, you come back.
                                You try to help me.
                                I see you in my dreams.
                                You tell me you are all right.
                                              And that I should be, too.

                                The parachute gradually opens.
                                You tell me it is okay to laugh.
                                To trust the help I am being offered.
                                To allow others to assist me on my journey.
                                              To be strong.

                                I try to help others, too.             
                                But at what cost to myself ?
                                Where is the balance ?
                                How much can I give ?
                                Nothing - unless I first think of myself.

                                There is an ache - there will always be an ache.
                                In this new and different life.
                                I will try to start anew
                                Enriched with the knowledge my journey has given me.
                                The journey is not finished,
                                But it is my LIFE.

                                There are others who know what I know.
                                Who feel what I feel.
                                We are one in our loneliness.
                                  I find comfort in their words.
                                        Identify with their cries for help.

                                You will always be with me.
                                  My other half, my other life.
                                  But I will try to be happy,
                                  Try to be the best person I can,
                                              In your memory.

                                  Thank you for your love.
                                  For moulding, cherishing and protecting me.
                                  Now I will prove that you didn't make the wrong choice.
                                  I will show the world that I am me.
                                  And that I am special.
                                  As special as you thought I was.

                                  But I need strength - so much strength.
                                  And every so often..I must pull back,
                                  And just take some time
                                  To remember, to remember
                                            How it was.




        Trish