Afraid

Afraid

I want to be direct, I want to be true to myself with this. My dreams are stricken with doubts and regrets. The girl I fell in love with is now a woman. The boy she fell in love with is now a man. We are a world apart. I am lost in my own thoughts, never knowing, but always wondering, if we could make it work again. I don’t know where my life is going but I don’t want to be consumed by these vices I have indulged in.
I need something to guide me,
I need motive. A reason to get up in the morning, a reason to get out.
I need a goal. My life has to mean something.
I need something to live for. Living for the sake of life is pointless in my mind.
I need love. Hate I can live with.
I need sanity. The animal suits me, but I deteriorate under its strain.
I need change. Yet I fight it with tooth and nail.
I need stability. My scattered life must be collected and rebuilt.
I need the strength to be true too myself and others. I don’t want this to go on anymore. This misery.
I don’t know how to survive this. They think I can whether any storm. I brood storms that challenge my sanity and my will to live.
Fuck this anger that rises in my Throat.
I need a reason to live
I need a reason to fight
I need to channel this Rage
I need to find myself
I need a way out
I need to get through this hell
This Self Induced hell
This horrifying trip
This Mind Fuck
My restless mind needs something to attach to.

Do I need this pain?
Is that why I can’t give it up?
Do I have nothing else?
Self-destruction induced by necessity
Burning down your house, so that you can find a new place to live.
Becoming an addict, just to get rehabilitated.
Exhausting yourself so that you can get some rest.

Show me my fucking fate.