Regrets

          I think, perhaps, that my greatest failure as a parent is reflected in the fact that my adult children are so very disconnected from their younger siblings. They simply have maintained no personal relationship with the kids they left behind when they moved on as adults. They fail to share who they are now with the younger kids, and the younger kids’ memories of who they used to be is fading. Nothing differentiates them from other relatives who appear periodically on the fringes of their younger sibling’s lives.

         Don’t get me wrong- I’ve seen glimmers of hope recently, with one of the adult kids showing up for her sister’s concert, and a couple whole-family invites for a meal at their apartments. One of them was even willing to play a card game with the younger kids this Easter. It gives me hope.

         But don't they realize that their younger brothers and sisters are growing up without knowing them? Don't they see how their emotional disconnection (which started in the narcissism of adolescence) without ever attempting to connect with their siblings in any personal way as adults fails to give their siblings any shared personal experience that could communicate that they matter to them?

         Don’t they understand that kids experience love in tangible ways, measured only by the concrete things they can see and feel and touch? What are they doing to show their siblings that they love them? Some of their younger siblings only remember personal interactions with them back as teens who made it abundantly clear that they hated to be with them? How will their siblings ever learn they are loved by their older brothers and sisters if their only contact with them is watching from the sidelines as they talk to adults or instant message on their laptops?

         Don't my adult kids realize how little effort it would take to nourish a relationship with their siblings despite the fact that they have moved away? Just a few special one-on-one moments would do it: a lunch date, an occasional over-night watching videos and giggling over popcorn, doing a little project with them, helping them make a Christmas present, decorating Easter eggs with them, or coming to the play they’ve worked so hard on? Or even something as simple as a birthday card or little dollar store gift that shows they had been thinking of them even though they couldn't be there? A few one-on-one contacts would help carve an undeniable record of love into the bark of their siblings' growing lives & build roots that could weather the changing seasons of all their lives?

         Do you have to be a parent to do things that you aren’t personally into, just because it’s something someone you love is into? Or is it like my husband says: maybe it's our home schooling. They were together so much when they were kids that they take for granted that the relationships are secure? Or maybe it’s because they got burned out in the chaos of a large family & small home all those years before they grew up & moved away?

         The problem with all those explanations is that I see the loving little things my adult kids do for and with their friends. They tangibly show others that they care about them. They know how to do it, and they do it well… with their peers. And I’m surrounded by other large (home school & otherwise) families whose adult kids (well, face it- their teens, too) still make an effort once in a while to spend time with younger siblings (and nieces & nephews, too): take them shopping, have a sibling over to their apartment, send them little notes, go on a family trip, take them to a movie, go to their concerts or performances, do a girl’s night, celebrate their birthdays with them. We hear such things all the time about their friends and cousins with their siblings.

         I also considered that it might be the personality thing- I know one of our Asperger’s kids never reaches out to anyone, much less siblings, even on the “obligatory” events like birthdays & Christmas- but surely that disability doesn’t apply to all my adult children?

         I try hard not to be jealous of other families, not to be judgmental of my own, but this is just not how I dreamed it would be. It’s not how we raised them and it’s not what I wanted our future to look like- a bunch of strangers only connected by name. I experienced that in my own family of origin, and speaking from experience, it stinks. My dream? Adult kids who, while leading independent, healthy lives apart from the family, still work to maintain root core relationships with each other- adults who purposely stay an active part of the nuclear family despite busy lives elsewhere, whose relationships with their siblings matter enough to them to survive their time & distance away. They are not only children. I don’t want my kids to miss out on the treasure of each other.

         So, yeah- I’m jealous.