Joy Comes In The Mourning

                                                  Introduction

Psalms 18: 1-3 says:
I love you fervently and devotedly o Lord my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer in whom I will trust and take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my high tower. I will call upon the Lord who is to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.

Psalms 18: 28,29 says:
For You cause my lamp to be lighted and to shine; the Lord my God illumines my darkness. For by You I can run through a troop and by my God I can leap over a wall.



          It was December 16, 2004. I was at a dispatcher’s class for my job at the police department, three and one-half hours from home. I had gone to the hotel after class intending to rest and study before going to sleep for the night. Suddenly there was a knock on my door.

          I opened my door to find four Highway Patrolmen standing there. Since I had made good friends with my instructors, I thought they were merely pulling a prank on me….

          “Are you Mrs. Long? Mrs. Paul Franklin Long?” For an instant my heart stopped. This was no prank. The officer who was speaking had tears running down his face. He choked for a moment and then continued. “Your husband has been involved in an accident. He, ahhh, he – well, ahh, he didn’t make it.”

          It was then that I noticed that the other officer was literally holding me upright. It took both of them to get me to the bed where they sat me down. I was shaking so hard I could not maneuver on my own.

          “Do my children know?”

          “Your local Highway Patrolman is there at your home now with your younger son and daughter. He notified your boss and they are on their way to get you. They said they would be here in 2 hours. They started out as soon as they heard it on the scanner.”

          “Tell them to call Carolyn (my sister-in-law). Wait – are you sure? This can’t be happening.”

          One of the officers stepped outside the door and put in a call to the officer at my home. The one who had originated this nightmare conversation, still crying, said, “Yes, we are sure. You know your local officer knows, well, knew your husband.”

          “I have to take a shower. I have to take a shower.”

          “Mrs. Long, are you sure you are okay?”

          “I have to take a shower. I have to take a shower and wash this all away.”

          “Very well,. We will wait outside your bathroom door but here in your room. You just open the door again when you are ready.”

          I got in the shower, and let the water run over me – just as hot as I could stand it. I wanted to wash this nightmare down the drain. Finally realizing it wasn’t going away, I got out and dressed.

          When I opened the bathroom door, two of the Highway Patrolman were in the room. My suitcase lay on the bed and everything I had brought except for my toiletries was already packed for me.

          When I opened the room door, my boss, the chief of police, and his assistant chief were standing there. Both were crying. The chief opened his arms and I ran into them. “Kevin, tell me this isn’t true – but if it wasn’t true, then you wouldn’t be here, would you?”

          Kevin simply shook his head. Eric, the assistant chief, had gone into my room and finished my packing. He came out with my bag, my Bible, my drinking cup and signaled Kevin that we needed to get going.

          They spent a couple of minutes thanking the Highway Patrolmen (none of whose names I had caught) for their care and concern. Then they trundled me into Kevin’s patrol car. Eric drove my car (actually the City Manager’s that I had borrowed for the trip) and stated upon our return that he had a bit of a struggle keeping up with Kevin’s lights, sirens, and 90 – 100 miles an hour speeds.

          All the way home, Kevin held my hand and spoke little. I don’t remember if I talked or not….

          Upon our arrival at my home, we found it literally full of people. People from work, people from the church, neighbors and friends, our pastors all crowded in with gifts of food. My daughter’s ambulance crews were all present. I think it was at that point that it finally hit me – and fortunately some of the ambulance crew caught me as I crumpled to the floor. They called the doctor who immediately ordered a sedative, which I swallowed, uncaring what it was or how it would affect me. I called my older son in Georgia and spoke to him briefly, and he made immediate plans to come. I called my sister in Connecticut and she also made plans to come.

          Then I held my two children and we just shook together. People kept encouraging me to go to bed, for they knew the sedative I had taken should surely be taking affect momentarily. They suggested we eat. The food was beautiful, but there was no way I could eat. Finally I laid down, and I remember nothing until the next day…

          Paul had made no preparations. So we had to pick out a casket, flowers, funeral speaker, music, clothes for him to be dressed in, and so on. I kept thinking I would wake up……

                   * * * * * * * * * *

                                        Preface

          Joy Comes in the Mourning is a compilation of my journal entries for several years. It is the story of how God Himself prepared me for the challenges of becoming a widow and living a different life than I had ever dreamed. It is the story of what happened and how I have grown spiritually and emotionally through a very difficult time in my life.

          Since much of my journal covers studying various passages, learning word meanings, dealing with people around me, this work may seem incomplete. But to protect those I have talked to God about, I have chosen to leave those sections out.

          You will notice that passages are italized. This is to let you know you are reading words God put into my heart. You will notice there are many fragments and hyphons because these are the written versions of my thoughts. Do not judge me on these seeming grammatical errors. Gloss over them to get to the message within.

          My purpose in sharing what I have is to show God’s power in my life and to prove that in Him, we can have good success, regardless of the circumstances we face. It is my hope that in baring my soul and opening myself up in this way, that others who face these same challenges may have hope of a favorable outcome.

          In reviewing my journals to decide what passages to put into this work, it occurred to me that God had been preparing me for two years before that fateful day. I didn’t recognize it then, but I can look back now and see His hand at every turn.

          It has been almost four years now since that day, and looking again at my journals, I can see the progress I have made, the levels I have passed through and the new me that has emerged. Am I finished? Am I perfect? Am I complete?

          I don’t think that will occur until I go to be with the Lord. Until then, it is my desire to continue to strive toward the prize that God has for me.

May God bless each reader with courage, strength, hope and His grace.

          I would also like to personally thank my pastors, Mark and Donna Buchanan, my children – Justin, DoraGayle and Joe, my church, family and friends who have helped me along the way. Above all I thank my God, Who cared about me so much that He took time to walk me through each step.

                             * * * * * * * * * *


10/9/2004
          You are beginning a journey with Me. Time really is growing short – and My church really is not ready. Listen and heed and do and you will be ready. Your oil cruse will be full and your wick trimmed.

          I want you to be a tree with deep roots. You are a sapling at present, but remember that little saying “A mighty oak is a little nut that held its ground.” Stand therefore with all your armor intact for you will need it.

          It really is all about Me. All the piddling little quarrels, the desires for things – things that distract you from the real purpose – Me.

          This does not mean you are not important. You are very important to Me and My plan. What it does mean is the world does not revolve around you. It revolves in, around, through and because of Me. I could do it without you, but I chose you to help me – to be My supportive minister here on the earth in this place at this time. I have a specific purpose for you. You will see Me in a whole new light.

          When you go to work on your car or on your computer, you read your owner’s manual for directions. In the same way, the Bible is your owner’s manual for your life – written by Me for you. You must listen to Me and do what I ask in order to accomplish My purpose, not vice versa as you have been doing.

10/22/04
          Something is fixing to break forth but I must be prepared physically, mentally and spiritually for it – totally.

          What you are going through right now is a trust builder. If I did change things all at once, you would not learn to trust Me. You would remain in the hole you are in. However you will learn to trust Me and what you hear in your spirit if you go this route. Just keep your faith. Build your trust in Me and watch Me work for you. I need you whole to do what I have planned. I need you to learn trust and faith at a new level.

11/17/04
          One thing You pointed out to me repeatedly while I was trying to go to sleep was that You love Paul in spite of his faults – and this in order to walk in love, I cannot take offense but rather walk in love and allow he and I to change…

         …Your back is not armored. Running exposes your nakedness. The armor is about forward motion. Continuing to go forward – to face the enemy.

          When we turn and run we are no longer covered by the armor and we are vulnerable to attack. We have ceased to use our armor for what it was intended. That means moving through, not running from things because moving through gives us Your protection. Running from exposes our own weaknesses and vulnerability. So as long as we face our fears, face our enemies, face our trials, face our temptations, face our lives, we will succeed because we are covered by God’s armor.

          If I feel inferior, weak, unprotected, I have removed my breastplate of righteousness by denial of its power and opened myself up to attack. My mission therefore must be to stand, to face, cleaning and polishing by studying, fellowshipping and meditating, spending time alone with God. It is that as I grow closer and closer to the end that I need these continuing actions in my daily life more and more.

11/27/04
          Your head knowledge and your heart knowledge hook up only when we spend time together. Let Me give you an illustration. I am a lighthouse. You are the keeper, who, through experience knows just how to trim the wick, just how to polish the glass, just how to adjust the shutters. Finally you become so intimately acquainted with every molecule of the lighthouse that you can do your job automatically and you know immediately with something is wrong. You can wake out of a heavy sleep and know you need to get to the light for something is wrong. You and the lighthouse have become as one – still separate entities, but as one. That’s how it is with Me and you when you see My heart in a matter.

12/8/04
          I can see You have been walking me through these steps, and now I will grow more spiritually and become fruitful and useful. I can see where I was, and oh My – I give You all the glory for the changes. I really didn’t like anyone – not even myself, so I had to learn to accept love and to give love. You awe me. You truly do.

          I have this feeling I am stepping into a new level with You. And I really need to apply myself to become the person You have planned in this level. Next levels always bring out the devil. I remind myself to grind his face under my feet.

                    Philippians 4:7 Amplified Version
And God’s peace [shall be yours that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

                    The Living Bible puts it this way:
If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet ant at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus

          “Yes you are in a deeper level – or higher level – whichever you want to say. What you do with it will determine how long you are there. This level is not easy, but it is necessary. Still your mind and listen. Did you see how black it was? Did you hear the cries –O God help me – God what do I do now – God where are You – Show me the way. Yes I heard and saw and my heart pounded and is pounding still! Now shut your eyes again. Do you see a sea of people – but some people are popping up like bread from a toaster? Yes, and I saw Your hand reaching down to them, but I also saw others between Your hand and the sea of people – before the popping up started. Close your eyes and look again. It’s all dark fog – I don’t see anything. The dark fog – the sea of people who have no hope – no guidance – no peace so they wander in darkness dong their own thing – just ripe for the devil’s plucking. The people who popped up like toast are those who find Me through all the confusion. Now I see white fog billowing to light in a corner.

          30 days of praise and worship – no petitions – no requests and it will become a way of life. Write it down. Make lists of things to praise Me for. Make lists of My attributes. Give Me your undivided attention in praise and worship. Study what My word says about praise and worship. Read what you wrote about praise and worship in your book. Focus totally on praise and worship.

          This is the level. Run with it. If you will follow this out, you will find new depths in Me – new heights in Me that you’ve only glimpsed in the past. You have touched them just a very few times, and you are hungry for more. This is how you obtain them. It will not be easy. It will require much self-discipline, much quiet time. I want it to become second nature to you – to be in that realm of My glory - to dwell in that secret place.

                              * * * * * * * * *

12/25/04
          Well, I haven’t written in this section in eleven days – but I know You have been carrying me cradled in Your arms. When You told me this level wasn’t going to be easy, I never dreamed what You meant. I felt like my life ended on the 16th – it is still unreal in some ways, but I know You are my fortress and You will continue to carry me, because I truly cannot do this by myself. I never dreamed I’d be a widow. I always thought we would go together in the rapture. But I know You did not do this – the devil has been attacking Paul for years, yet he withstood. He was so strong in his faith, but his body was tired and pain-wracked. I know he wasn’t planning this, but it is better than having him bedridden or in a hospital for months or years and never get well.

          Your peace is so overwhelming. I know I could not function without it. Your grace is getting me through. Yes it hurts. It hurts horribly. But I know that if I keep focused on You and getting my kids through this that we will all grow closer together and closer to You and more dependant on You….

          …It’s been really hard to go through Paul’s stuff. Yes, I know it is only stuff – and yes, I know it needed to be done. Paul couldn’t do it – physically or emotionally - more physically really. I think he was actually hurting so much that is was about all he could do to try to help our friends when called upon and come back home.

          Now he’s home with You – and finally pain free. Why didn’t he get healed here? I know he had received his healing, but it didn’t manifest in the natural realm. Why he went like he did, I have no idea, however, I can’t… I have no answers. All I can do is keep my focus on You – keep my peace and praise in place and go one step at a time – one day at a time. You have set people in place to support me and help me through – and I do appreciate that very much. You are my rock, my refuge, my shelter from this terrible storm.

          I miss the physical presence of my husband – my best friend, and yet it seems in a way, as I draw closer to You, that Paul is not far away. I can’t touch him – I can’t see him – but I know he is among the cloud of witnesses cheering us on to victory.

          And I know this all is going to be over very soon for the rest of us as the rapture draws nearer and nearer. Time is going quickly and I’m glad, for then our family will once more be totally united. As I draw closer to you, even though I can’t see You or touch You, I know you are near and I am at peace.

          Please help me work out this car situation. Paul was driving the only car we had running – and they tell me it’s toast….


                             * * * * * * * * *

Further explanation:

          The car was an old station wagon, and when I finally read the Highway Patrol report, it stated that the motor was actually in Paul’s lap. There was nothing left of the car but the tail end. According to the report, there was a pickup with a trailer coming down the hill and Paul going up the hill. This section of road was particularly bad, having twelve inch drop-offs from the pavement to the shoulder. Apparently Paul either glanced at the oncoming vehicle, or in his mirrors, or else the oncoming vehicle was on the wrong side of the road. For whatever the reason was, Paul hit one of those twelve-inch deep holes and lost control of the car. He must have thought to get back on the road would be better than to have a rollover, so he tried, but overcorrected and drove straight into the oncoming pickup. Paul and the front seat driver and passenger in the pickup were all wearing seatbelts. However, the teen in the back seat of the pickup did not have on a seatbelt and hit his face apparently on the dash, which resulted in a broken nose. Neither of the others was injured.

          Paul’s heart was still beating when the ambulance arrived, so with the help of the jaws tool, they got him out of what was left of the front seat. He was apparently brain dead and his heart stopped within moments after extraction. According to the ambulance crew and the Highway Patrol, Paul never knew what hit him.

                              * * * * * * *

12/25/04
          We had Christmas, of a sort, for the baby. But it was a day without much joy even though we really tried. Johnnathan is only one and one-half years old. He can’t understand where his Papa is and why he isn’t here. He just keeps crying for his Papa. Time at the family gathering was gruesome and we didn’t stay very long. Paul’s family is, of course devastated.

12/27/04
          Well, I can’t sleep – again. I went through all those cards, letters, notes, funeral stuff and back again. I hurt for Justin (our oldest son) who is struggling with nightmares. I hurt for Joe (our youngest son) who is unable to talk about this at all. I hurt for DoraGayle (our daughter) who is trying so hard to keep me together. I hurt for Kari (Justin’s wife) who in addition to trying to keep the food and house operating, had found she flunked her college biology exam. I hurt for Johnnathan, who is too little to understand anything except that his beloved Papa is not there to pick him up and soothe him. I hurt for Nathan, who so loved his Papa.

          And I hurt for me – because I hurt – but it upsets the kids every time I fall apart. Part of me wants to scream and scream and scream. Part of me wants to cry until I can’t cry again. Part of me walks the floors in agony of soul. I’m trusting You for our daily needs. I’m trusting You in all things. Help me stand. Help me continue in Your plan – to step out unafraid. In some ways, it seems like Paul is in the next room, or over at DoraGayle’s house, yet my house is so silent, even with all the kids here, that I know he is with You. And I know he is not in that casket. He’s not in that cemetery. He is rejoicing in Your very presence. I hurt for the people who don’t yet know – I ask for strength to write to them. All of a sudden I am very sleepy – maybe I can rest…

12/28/04
          I have decided to go back to work on Friday night. I need to be busy living. Maybe getting back to whatever normal is supposed to be will help…

1/1/2005
          A new year – a new life – so many changes in such a short space of time. I can’t seem to grasp it yet – and yet I know that in my weakness – my inability to produce results, you are made strong – because of You, I can take one step at a time, one bite at a time. Because of You, I can let those things said to my by various family members roll off like water off a duck’s feathers. I don’t have to allow them to hurt me and tear me to pieces. After all, they are hurting too. I can choose how to react. I choose therefore to walk in love. I choose to not let it all get to me. I can choose when I will be ready to clean some more and give them some of Paul’s things, but I am not ready yet, and so it sits. And it’s okay.

          I could choose to be angry with family – to be hurt by their words and actions – yet I would only be hurting myself and I am hurt enough already. I choose rather to continue the love walk. Because of all this, I choose to cling even more closely to You for I realize I cannot do this on my own. Because You are in me, I can make it. I choose to look up – to seek Your face – to move on in You. You are my lifeblood – my strength – my strong tower – my refuge. I can hide under Your wings and You will protect me – me and my children and their children. You will comfort us. You will comfort the rest of the family.

1/5/05
          Well, we weathered our first clown meeting alone better than I expected – Joe and I. DoraGayle will need to do that at some point. Having so many friends who are eager to help is really making a difference. Not having to rush into doing things is helping. I will try to do Kiddie Park several times as I can and ease into clowning again. It just won’t be the same without Paul.

          Continually worshipping and praising You and remaining in Your presence have helped most of all. It gets me through my day and the even longer nights. I am so glad You are the principal in my life. I could not imagine going through this without You – without like believers. I don’t even want to know how people do it without You in their lives. I give You all the glory for Your sustaining presence. You do sustain us – I can see it with my eyes as well as feel it in my spirit.

1/7/05
          Glory to You, Lord for your sustaining strength – for the words to write to all those who did not know, and for the help writing all the thank you cards.

1/8/05
          I am learning a lot – like how Abraham must have felt when Sarah died – how Lot must have felt when his wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. But I am also learning a new way of standing – of waiting – of persevering – of walking by faith.

          Part of me wants to dissolve in tears. Part of me wants to be in heaven too. Part of me wants to go up to the cemetery and curl up on Paul’s grave and never move again. Yet there is another part of me that overrides those feelings and refuses to give in – refuses to give up but instead gives out patience and love for my children who need me, my co-workers who need me, my friends who need me, my church who needs me, and most of all You need me to stand, to wait, to persevere, to be strong in Your strength. You always send people to strengthen and encourage me, and how I appreciate that. I give You all the praise for Your constant abiding presence – for Your strength, for Your peace and undisturbed composure, for Your healing power mending my broken heart and my wounded soul as well. Help me to get done all that I must do - for Your glory.

1/12/05
          I know You are still carrying me, but I feel I stepped over into a new place yesterday evening. I don’t know what that is, but I feel stronger, and more ready to continue with life. I cooked supper – something I haven’t done in a very long time and actually enjoyed doing so. I called a family member and am attempting to understand their anger. But I chose not to take offense, as indeed I would have done in the past. I simply sympathized with her, apologized and moved on. It was like I was able to look at the problem objectively, make a judgment and move on. Neither did I feel hostility because they did not take into account the fact that DoraGayle was also blind-sided and was doing the best she could with me so far from home and was not thinking as clearly as she might have….

          Thank You – for it was You who changed me and are making me into the person I want to become and You didn’t leave me where I was. I give You all the praise for that.

1/14/05
          I don’t know ... It is You who have sustained me. You who have been my husband, my friend, my confidante, my hope… Every time someone says it takes a very long time, the thought comes to me that time is compressed and Paul really is in the very next room from this life and if I do my part in these last days, I will see him soon.

          Not that I am ready to run out and date. Not interested. My children, my church, my job and my hobbies consume my time quite nicely. Most of all, being in Your presence and worshipping and studying and learning more about You – I don’t feel alone at all.

          Paul and I were so close. We knew each other’s thoughts, emotions – everything - and from him now I feel great peace and great joy – great contentment – freedom from pain – great love – great cheering me on – type feelings. No, I don’t feel alone. We did not have to be together 24/7 to be assured of our love for one another. Yes we both made mistakes, did things wrong and hurt each other at times, but marriage, like relationship with You, is a learning process – a growing up – a maturing process. I truly believe that although Paul was only 56 that he was satisfied. I do believe that the devil took him away – no doubt there – but that the devil meant to destroy our family – destroy our faith – destroy our church. However he must not be very smart for instead, we are stronger and more committed than ever.

          Now I know this is Friday – and Fridays will continue to come every week until You return. Saturdays will continue to come every week until You return. Sundays will continue to come every week until You return. I ask for Your strength, Your peace, Your presence to surround and enfold me.

          I don’t feel guilty when I cry – when I scream in anguish – but I say now that those emotions will not make me sick, will not stop me cold, but will lessen with time and will cease in time. To me, grief is a private thing – and I need to be helping my kids through this and not allowing it to paralyze me. I am standing on my faith, on Your Word. And I know I am growing in trusting You like never before, which is good for that was a vast area in which I lacked.

          Lord, I believe I have been remiss. In all of this I have not said thank You for the 36 years of having Paul in my life. Thank You for the 28 years of marriage. Thank You for Paul’s steadfastness, his wisdom, his patience, his love, his trust, his devotion, his faithfulness, his talents and abilities, his faith, his example. Thank You too for his funny ways, his stubbornness, his caring, his pack-rat nature. I loved him so very much and love him still. Thank You for that precious time we shared together, for the children we had together – for everything that made us a couple. I miss him so very much, yet I stand in faith and trust You. I look to You for my strength.

          I feel like I am on a roller coaster – high, joyous, peaceful one moment, and the next plunged into dark despair, weakness, pain, suffering, depressed and unable to rise above it. I’m sure it is a normal part of mourning, but it’s almost too much. I want to cry myself to sleep. Maybe I will. Maybe that’s what I need is an emotional release right now.

1/16/05
          Now I know why I was so directed to be focused on praise and worship – so focused on You – because that focus got me through a very difficult time. That focus also culminated in a new sense of direction – a new hope – a fulfillment of dreams and visions. I am seeing things I only had glimpses of before.

          In my mind I saw Paul dancing and leaping for joy. I saw his huge grin, saw the glory on him, heard his shouts of joy and I know hey I’ve felt helps just in the next room because heaven is the next room.


1/19/05
          I’ve gotten caught up in being strong for my kids – in keeping the “right” attitude in church, at work – putting on a brave front for all those I have to deal with instead of being me. I’ve gotten so busy with stuff that I haven’t taken the time – a part of me is afraid to go there because I’m afraid I will fall into mourning – now isn’t that silly? That means I’m relying on my own strength, my own effort and ability…

          I have built a comfort zone and when one lives day to day in his or her comfort zone, development, progress, learning, challenges, risk taking – the things we do that get us to where we are now all slow to all crawl or stop completely. I can’t go to the next level unless I am willing to leave my comfort zone. God can’t use me and my gifts effectively if I am not willing to leave my comfort zone.

          Question – have I built a comfort zone instead of mourning? I think you carried me and now You’ve set me down again but I got so used to You carrying me and I stayed in that mode.

          It takes faith to please You and I don’t have to exercise my faith in my comfort zone… therefore I don’t please You in my comfort zone and I don’t effectively serve You in my comfort zone.

          I just realized that I was in my comfort zone – with Paul, with my kids, my home, my church. And on 12/16/04 that comfort zone came grinding to a crashing halt – boom. I have been thrust into a new zone where I have attempted to be comfortable but the truth is I’m not comfortable at all. I see that I have to totally rely on You because I don’t know how to do this level and fear would like to attach itself to me but I have not allowed that and will not allow it. This why keeping my focus on You is so totally important. I need Your wisdom, Your guidance, Your presence now more than ever before. There is nowhere else to turn.

1/17/05
          How long will it be before I stop looking for Paul when I come home from work at night? The house is so quiet, so empty without him and his messes and I keep wondering why I didn’t believe for him to be raised from the dead. It never even occurred to me at the time. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. In my mind I want to run away but I have nowhere to go. I want to talk to somebody but nobody is awake at this hour of the night and I hate to wake anyone up. Help me Father – help me.

1/21/05
          Well I read this book called “Sorrow Not” by Kenneth Copeland and I can see why I have peace and joy – and although I cry occasionally, it is not a spirit of grief at all.

1/22/05
          I am still having some hard moments – some moments of un-real-ness but I am trying hard to keep my focus on You.

          I did not take Paul from you. I did allow it, but I did not do it. And My reasons for allowing it were between him and Me. The important thing for you to focus on is Me and I will show you how to do all the things Paul did for you, for the children. You will have new strengths, new abilities - you will fix the toilet – you will fix the water system – You will keep the bills paid. You will paint and fix the rest of your house. You will do everything you are confronted with in My guidance - My wisdom - My knowledge – My strength - My ability. And you will know it was Me and you will give Me all the glory.

2/16/05
          Thank You for helping me clean and re-organize – it is hard going through Paul’s stuff – yes I know it’s just stuff – but it was his and he never wanted anybody messing with his stuff. Lord, I need a word from You – something to cling to as I go through these difficult days.

          It matters not what is crumbling around you for if you stand and keep standing, others will see and learn to stand also. People need to know in these last days that God is their refuge, their safe harbor, their shelter from the storms of life.

          I miss Paul. I know how I loved him and love him still. He is enjoying his reward for his faithfulness – for his stand. I am happy for him. I know it is hard. I see my tears and I feel my pain. It’s okay to cry and to mourn. But I must keep my focus on God. Keep sitting in His lap. Keep clinging to His hand. Let His peace flood me. Let His joy overtake me.

3/2/05
          I saw something I had never thought about before when I was driving all those kids to youth service and back. Our daily lives – seemingly mundane stuff – does make a major difference in others’ lives – and as we live and enjoy life and do those small things – that’s what makes the difference – that’s what bearing fruit is all about. I thought we had to do big things to bear fruit, but that’s not it at all. How I manage my grief is bearing fruit. How I treat people is bearing fruit. How I relate to people is bearing fruit. How I take care of my prisoners is bearing fruit. How I keep my house is bearing fruit for my house reflects me. How I keep my car, my possessions is bearing fruit for it reflects me. How I dress and act is bearing fruit.


4/24/05
          I dreamed about Paul and how we always gave up our own plans and desires to fulfill the need in the church first and for others - before doing for ourselves. And how in our marriage we tried very hard to put each other first in everything. How we were in unity and oh how I wish all marriages were as wonderful as ours. The problems we had were nothing compared to the joy of just living….

6/7/05
          It’s really early and I just woke up with the thought that my whole world revolved around my husband and my children. The last couple of days I’ve actually done things beyond them and it feels really good. I guess I’m moving into a new place in this level…

7/10/05
          I’m walking through my house and it’s beautiful – except the utility room and the office, which I’m not done with yet. I am satisfied, yet I feel horribly guilty and full of pain that I might be wiping my husband out of my life – yet it is all about him.

                              * * * * * * *

Further explanation:
          Due to a broken pipe in my master bath, about half of my house had flooded and destroyed the carpet in three rooms. Paul and I had previously planned and picked out new flooring, new paint colors, and all I did was to pull up the carpet, scrape up the old tile that was under it, put down new tile, paint and re-decorate. I completed what we had already planned. It just happened a lot sooner than we had planned. Necessity became the catalyst for change. I decorated with pictures of great times we had together, things Paul had made in his blacksmith business or in the machine shop. Each room has a theme and has some memory of our family life together.

                              * * * * * * *

Journal cont’:
          Maybe today is just a sad day. Everything goes along great for a while and then – blam – out of nowhere I am sad, depressed, hurting and miserable. My sister-in-law was right: grieving is the pits. I don’t want another husband. I want mine back – but I know that’s not possible. I want him to see the house now that it’s almost done. I want him to hold me. I want him to enjoy this life with me – and work toward the next. I want to watch him with his children and grandchildren.

8/7/05
          Well, the Mr. Bear memorial at the Kiddie Park was awesome. The place was jammed with people and I heard some very uplifting comments.

                              * * * * * * *

Further explanation:
          The Kiddie Park is a toddler to pre-teen amusement park in Bartlesville, Oklahoma. It has all kinds of antique rides at 25 cents each. A family can have three hours of fun for all for about $10.00. There is a merry-go-round, Ferris wheel, boats, carts, roller coaster, a train – all miniature scale for little kids to enjoy. The park is about fifty years old and is run by the city through merchant donations.

          Every Friday night during the summer, the Bartlesville Fun Addicts Clown Alley #188 go to the park to do balloon sculpture and face painting for the kids. Mr. Bear was my husband’s clown name. He was a wonderfully talented balloon sculptor who drew kids young and old from all over Oklahoma and even other states and countries.

          Upon learning of his death, the Kiddie Park staff chose to honor him by having Mr. Bear Day every year on the first Friday of August (during National Clown Week). On Mr. Bear Day, all the balloons and face painting is free. Normally each one is a donation. They had announcements and a memorial over the loudspeaker for Mr. Bear of how much he did to enhance the park each Friday for so many years. He was practically an institution - having been there every Friday for nine years. They planted a brick with his name on it in their walk of fame.

                              * * * * * * * *

Journal Con’t:
          My two favorite comments were the words of the park manager over the loudspeaker and then one little boy who told me how much he missed Mr. Bear and how much he loved Mr. Bear and how Mr. Bear always called him his clown boy. That was so neat. Having part of the family there to hear the words of others about their son and brother was very nice. I did okay until they started talking over the loudspeaker about how much Paul meant to the park and its people – then I lost it…. But it was still good. I needed to know once again that I wasn’t the only person missing him.
          Yes I know there were in excess of 400 people at his funeral all of which loved and admired Paul. But this is 6 months later. I haven’t forgotten and I don’t want anyone else to forget either.

9/1/05
          The time for you to be babied at work is over. Today is a new day – a fresh start. Treat it as such.

9/27/05
          Jesus was human as I am. He cried at the death of His dear friend Lazarus. He cried and was exceedingly sorrowful at the idea of taking on the sin, sickness and pain of all mankind – but God strengthened Him. He couldn’t do it alone without God. It was okay for Him to be sorrowful and to cry. Am I any better than Jesus? Why should I feel so guilty if I cry occasionally?

          It’s okay to mourn my husband. I feel alone even when I am not alone because God is with me. I feel like the entire weight of the family sinking or swimming is on my shoulders – without Paul to share the burden, yet I have given those burdens to the Lord and it is He who is carrying them. I feel so lost, so hurt – full of grief and anger. I just have to cry…

11/2/05
          This year has been so weird. It’s gone really fast. I’ve gotten a lot accomplished with God’s help and the kids’ help and friends’ help. But I can sure say that if it weren’t for God and His presence and His strength in my life, I would not have gotten this far.

1/13/06
          I feel like it is a new day – a new beginning. God is God of the storms of life. He is that still, small voice that I hear.

1/27/06
          I was impressed very strongly to not keep track of dead men’s bones – that Paul is not dead, but live in heaven. I also believe I too have passed from death to life and I am climbing to higher levels. I am loved by God and by people. I am needed by God and by people. I will not turn to the left or to the right but I will keep my focus on God.

Not dated but sometime between February and April 2006:
          To me, experiencing the death of a spouse – whether instantaneous or gradual is like no other loss. A spouse is the closest person to yourself. They know you more intimately mentally, physically and spiritually than any one else. When the husband and wife become one in marriage, and death separates that union, it leave half a person who must learn who they are – alone.

          I think that’s why so few books are written on the subject of spousal death and the journey through to new life. That is why so few widows and widowers talk about this most perverse, painful subject. And most of all, because it isn’t openly discussed, we are all caught so unaware when it happens to us personally. Most of the time there are no words to describe feelings. The survivor experiences all kinds of emotions that do not allow for public or even private discussion – for who else could one bare their soul like that to except for their spouse or God. How many people want to admit to being a basket case? How many people openly admit that they go to their room, their closet, the cemetery and scream at their deceased mate?

          In today’s society, or in any time period, observation of that sort of behavior would be considered looking upon a deranged person who needs medication and a padded cell.

          The loss of a parent world be a distant second in dealing with death. I have already buried both my parents. But those losses are different. When we grow up and mature our relationship with parents goes from being nurtured to being best friends. But in that change there is separation also. When we have children, we nurture them until they are able to manage on their own.

          Certainly, to bury a child before you die yourself would be most difficult. I think that is why Paul’s folks are having such a struggle with this. They are both up in years and both expected to go to heaven long before their children did. With a spouse, the longer you are together, the more together you grow until you function as one unity in thought, in interests, in every facet of life.

          No two people ever experience grief the same way. Each person must walk through their own valley and climb the hill back to life.

          I’ve always been the shy, keep-to-the-background type of person and let others be in the limelight. I guess you could call me private….

5-9-06
          Suddenly I am no longer fearful of anything. I feel a boldness flowing through me like never before – this is such a weird feeling – like I am a new person – a person to be reckoned with. Something has changed.

6-11-06
          Ah – I found it again!

5/23/1998: Lord I went back to bed while ago and I dreamed about a huge mansion and it was mine – and we were having a fruit reunion. I saw many people I knew and many more I did not know. I mean it was awesome. Paul was helping me throw this party, I guess, because he was all around, visiting with people and introducing me to those I did not know. I hadn’t lived in the mansion very long, and had not explored it, so in the midst of the party, I went exploring. A beautiful jewelry box attracted me – You know how I love jewelry – especially rings – but when I opened the box and touched the jewelry inside, it crumbled into dust. I was standing there looking at it when Paul came up behind me and said, “Fruit remains, but things of earth pass away.” Then I woke up. Lord I believe I went to heaven this morning and You showed me my fruit, thus far. What an awesome house. And what a fun party. It was so good.

          Paul was already there. Now I see the significance. Then, I didn’t have a clue. Now I see what he meant when he said that fruit remains but things of earth pass away.

          I have to admit that many times I thought about what it would be like to be a widow – what if Paul died before me? But I also thought that if I never said anything about those concerns that they would not happen.

          I knew the week before I went to Dispatch school that something was going to happen, but I thought it was my fear of the big city, fear of getting lost, fear of being late for class – I didn’t know what it really was – and I am glad I didn’t.

          I’ve got to sleep because I go on duty in a couple of hours. I need Mama to comfort me, but she can’t. ( She had a stroke and is missing her short-term memory and doesn't remember her son's death half the time.) I need You to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay….

7-4-06
          For the last several nights I have had dreams of major battles, but my part was leading people who wanted to get out of harm’s way, while putting aside my own pain in order to save others.

          The meaning of your vision of standing before people with shimming gold – this shimmering is My anointing and My presence. This is a new day. You are entering a new phase. Do not doubt. Do not fear. Walk in faith. Listen to My voice. See what I will do. This is a new day. Go in faith.

          Something is changing. Something is coming…. Something is changing. Something is fixing to happen.


7-6-06
Very early. Changes are coming. Changes are coming. Keep your eyes open for changes are coming. Life not as usual. Church not as usual. Be ready. Keep your mind and your heart open to Me. Stay on track. Keep your focus. Do not look to the left or to the right. Changes are coming. Get ready for changes are coming.

8-17-06
          I find myself worrying again – trying to figure out what to do and how to do it – instead of trusting You, Lord, for my answers. I’ve got to conquer my fear, my worry, and concentrate only on You.

          When you yield yourself to Me, the burden lifts and you get your true perspective back. I AM. I AM. Just believe that I AM and I can and will bless you with everything you need. Just praise Me for the answers are coming.

8-18-06
          Thank You for my children. This would have been terribly difficult without them in and out to help me when I need things done I can’t do myself. They step in when my emotions are crumbling.

         I had to go out to the garage today to Paul’s workshop while Daddy was here trying to find some parts he needed. I was watching Daddy picking up tools that Paul had been the last one to touch. I watched as Daddy went through the mess looking for the axel and starter for the bike. I know Paul was Daddy’s son. I know that – but it was like watching a happy vulture pick through a bone yard. He was trying to throw things away and I had to tell him not to – that I would go through and throw away oily rags and old bits of nothing when I got ready. If Joe had not been here to hold me back, I know I would have lashed out at Daddy, saying things I would have later regretted.

          I know it’s just stuff and I’m not attached to the stuff, I’m really not. It’s more like I’m disturbing a grave – like if I get rid of it all, Paul will truly be gone – and I’m not ready for that. The garage was Paul’s domain, his get-away spot where he kept his machine shop, his tools, his 3-wheel bike albeit in pieces.

          I’m so grateful. Joe seemed to understand what I was going through without me having to say a thing. He just went out there and supervised while I sat in the bedroom and bawled my eyes out.

          I’m equally sure that Daddy feels like he is getting a part of Paul, and I really don’t want to withhold that from him. It just hurts so much, sometimes, and I just can’t deal with this right now.

          Talking to You, Father, helps so much. I can tell you everything – my pain, my heartache, my praise reports – everything I can’t tell anyone else. Keeping my focus on You is getting me through.

8-21-06
          I think I just figured out that dream I’ve had for years about wandering around in a bunch of old burned out apartment buildings. I think that is my past, and I am making a conscious decision to walk away and leave it behind. I have to. My sanity depends on that.

9-8-06
          Oh God I need your help. You didn’t tell me I’d have to deal with a broken heel and a non-weight bearing cast with all this other stuff. But I have decided to take You at Your word –

                    I CAN do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

                    ALL things are possible with God.

          I was just thinking – if Paul would have been here, he’d been doing everything for me. He spoiled me. He really did. Joe, on the other hand, will do what I ask, but he expects me to do my part as well as I can. So I have to walk by my faith in You.

9-23-06
          Faith is getting me through this broken heel thing. Faith gets me through difficult circumstances at work. Faith gets me through the hard times with the family. Faith allows me to talk to You and to hear You in my inner spirit. Faith is getting me through the mourning period. By faith I can stand.

9-27-06
          The devil is not going to win! Part of me wants to run away – but I have no idea where I would run. I know it is my God given duty to stand and fight.

10-2-06
          Life is a process – a step-by-step process. God does not give us hard times, but He does allow them, because in the hard times we grow – our character matures, our faith matures.

10-28-06
          Ladies’ retreat was exactly what I needed. I spent Friday night crying – I felt so out of place with all the others who are married. But the speakers had some things to say that need reproducing here because they helped me and I want to remember them.

1) When bad thoughts come, don’t dwell on them because that is feeding the devil – he gets the glory and I sure don’t want that;

2) When good thoughts come, encourage them;

3) When your mind is prosperous, your body, your health, your spirit will also be prosperous;

4) Enjoy the season you are in;

5) Every season adds and removes things;

6) If God is adding and removing things in my character, He has a good reason and there will be good blessings as a result;

7) Look forward at the present and the future, not back at the past;

8) How we deal with the present is how we deal with the future;

9) Each season is one step at a time and steps are better than an elevator because w learn more along the way plus we build up our strength in the climb and increase our lung capacity;

10) We may not see God working, but He is;

11) We may not see the answer, but it is still on its way to us;

12) When we arise to a new season, we are on a collision course with God’s provision.

          That helped me so much. I see myself a little differently now. I am a little stronger, I think.

11-3-06
          Selling this house that You gave us is out of the question. I don’t care how bad my finances may look, I know You will provide. I remember looking for the right house as if it were yesterday and not ten years ago. I remember You gave me a glimpse – that when we opened the front door there would be white tile with green diamonds on the floor and there would be a chip off a door facing in a particular place. Other than that, I had nothing to go on.

          Paul wanted a big garage area and a place for his shop. Other than that, he wasn’t particular. I wanted something we didn’t have to re-build. I was so tired of living in construction zones…

          And then one day, I was going to our house from the library and I saw a For Sale sign in a yard that I had never noticed before. So I drove the extra block to take a look. The house was a huge brick with three doors on the garage. I went right home and got Paul and the kids. All were enthralled with the house. None of us figured we could afford it, but we wanted to see inside anyway.

          We had already looked at a number of “fixer-uppers” and none really got our attention. So we called the real estate agency about this brick home but she wasn’t able to come show it until the next day. Well, I could sort of understand that. After all, it was close to 6:00 pm and the electricity wasn’t turned on.

          And then the next day finally came and we were all anxiously waiting. When the lady opened the front door, the first thing that nearly knocked all of us over was white tile with green diamonds on the floor by the front door. Next I found the chipped door facing between the kitchen and the office/den….

          No way am I going to sell this home that You gave us. It is virtually maintenance free. I’d have to pay rent elsewhere. I’m here to stay, even if it is a big house. The kids are in and out all the time and Joe is still living at home. Why be miserable in a new place when I can be comfortable here.

11-4-06
          You have given up everything for your children and your church and for your city. Do you realize that? You will be rewarded. Be at peace and know that I am God. I will take care of you just as I have cared for you thus far. You are my child. I will never leave you nor forsake you. That is spiritually, yes, but it also means providing for you as well - supplying your needs, your desires, paying your bills, giving to you so that you can give. You will not lose your credit. You will not lose your house. You will only gain abundance so do not fret or be concerned. Just stand in faith. I care about the little things that concern you.

          You showed me a vision of a huge metal trough – a huge slide like at the park only no ladder part from You to me and at first I had to pull stuff which I did, and the faster I pulled the more came – for me and for others – and when I stopped the trough was still full waiting for the bottom where it fell to be cleared so more could slide down – and as more slid down the top refilled – a continuous supply. Now I KNOW You will provide.

11-8-06
          As they went, they were healed. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Healing my heart wounds as I go through each day and each night?

11-23-06
          Oh how my heart hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it. I really don’t. Am I just depressed?

          Sometimes I envy Paul who watches from afar. My kids are basically good. They just need some fine-tuning. And that is Your department, so I think I will just quit worrying, give them to You, and do whatever it is that I’m supposed to do next. My plight isn’t any different from any other parent. I just have to be both Mom and Dad - and that is so hard.

11-24-06
          Do not fret or give in to what you see. I see their hearts and it is there that I am working. Your goodness and righteousness are not going unnoticed. I am your refuge – your fortress – and your children will be saved. Cease your fretting and keep your focus on Me. You have been faithful to pray, to take time to listen to Me – to read the Word this week – even with all the business and the kids here. I appreciate that. That shows integrity, conscientiousness, loyalty, devotion, hunger. You went to church and to ladies’ fellowship and got involved – regardless of who was here at home. I see what is done in secret and will reward you openly. Just bask in My presence.

12-27-06
          This year has gone so fast! It has been a hard year – one full of persecutions, but a good year at the same time. The end of this year finds me even more “stubborn” in standing for You than before. So I have grown, I think. I know I understand a great deal more than I did.

          I have been vaguely depressed for the last week or so, but Lord, I believe You are helping me overcome this.

4-21-07
          The simple things I will tell you to do – if you do them you will save yourself grief and heartache, not to mention money etc.

          Keep your eyes open – a series of storms is coming but if you keep your eyes on Me, totally focused and listening only to Me you will walk through them unharmed and at peace. Your property your job, your business are not at risk. Do not fear – don’t see the “boogie man” in every shadow. Do not mull over what might happen Just keep your focus on Me and many of the storms you will walk through you won’t even realize are storms. Keep your heart turned only to My voice and I will guide you through. Without the test there is no testimony. Do not stew and fret over this. Just keep focused on Me. Go about your daily life and keep your heart tuned in, your mind tuned in - all to Me.

          You have to meet people where they are and take them to where they need to be. You have to be ready at a moment’s notice to speak a word in due season.

5-11-07
          Lord this is one of those times when I really wish Paul was here to talk to, but he’s not- so I’m talking to you…

5-27-07
          Now is not the time to run. Now is not the time to give place to the devil. Now is the time to stand in authority. It is the devil who wants me depressed and discouraged and frustrated. But peace and joy come from God and that is what I need to go with.

          Paul had the choice of staying here or going to heaven. He chose. It was his choice. It is not your fault he chose the way he did. So do not accept guilt for something that had nothing to do with you.

5-28-07
          Paul knew you would understand his choice. He knew you loved him more than life and wanted only My best for him just as he loved you and wanted only My best for you. Paul knew I would take care of you and the children and grandchildren. He knew I would fill in the hole he left behind. He understood you would miss him; would cherish the memories and have the pain of his going to deal with – but he also knew that you would want him to choose what was best for him – and once he saw heaven, there was no choice left. His body was basically dead upon impact but his spirit was keeping it alive for the short time it took for him to decide what he wanted. He was torn – yes – he was torn – his love for you was so very great – but he had wanted to be with Me for a very long time – his body was worn out, young as he was – and he was tired of fighting it. He understood and acted upon his belief of My healing, but he had wanted it to be over for a very long time. And when the opportunity to choose presented itself, there was, for him, as he saw it, only one choice. His body remained alive as long as it did because he really was torn in his decision. He did not want to leave you or the children or grandchildren. But he did not suffer in his body – he had no pain. The only thing that was actually functioning was his brain and heart – while he did his deciding. So now you have to take a non-emotional look yourself – if you were presented with the same opportunity to live with Me versus staying here on earth knowing your job was basically competed here – you can see the choice he made more clearly. You think about the difference he made at the Kiddie Park, the Burn Camp, in your church and in your own family – his contribution was very great and he held a place of honor in many, many peoples’ hearts and minds. He did everything on earth he ever wanted to do – he lived his dreams. He was satisfied. Get that? He was satisfied. Remember Bro. Hagin said you don’t have to leave until you are satisfied. Paul was satisfied. So guilt and condemnation have no place. Throw them out. Yes I understand your pain, but do not allow it to consume you. You have much yet to do – many lives yet to touch – you are not through with clowning, with reenactments, with church, with the PD, with your children, with your friends. So get your focus off your pain, your loneliness, and back where it belongs. I will fill the gap Myself. I realize you do not wish to be married again and you do not have to be. You are My child. Focus on Me. Give Me your hurt, and I will help you but I can’t help you until you allow Me to. Do You enjoy hurting? Wallowing in your pain? Do you think you can assuage this supposed guilt by wallowing? Especially if the guilt is imagined? The devil wants to get you so wrapped up in your pain and your guilt that you are no earthly good. He wants to stop your ministry, your influence. It is your decision. Will you live looking forward and focused on Me and why you do as a part of My body or will you live looking back – consumed by pain and grief and guilt and be of no value to anyone – indeed no one will want you around.

          O Father – I miss my husband so much but I want what is best for Him – Your best. I still have his presence so strong in my life through my children. The shell may be gone but the presence is very much in evidence. Why should I mourn a worn-out shell? That is a waste of time and effort and a choice that neither Paul nor You want me to make. I therefore make the decision to move on – to complete the task You have given me to do as part of Your body. I make the decision to put aside the pain and look to You for fulfillment. And in so doing, I will have peace. I have a job to do, many people to touch yet and I am determined to complete all that You have given me to do. I lay aside my self -indulgence, grief, pain, to do Your will in this place. Not my will, but Yours be done.

          Forgive me for losing sight of what is important. I am ready now to continue to walk. I am ready now to do my part. I have passed from death to life. Death no longer has power over me.

7-2-07
          I think I may be moving to a new level soon and am in preparation for that.
I had a dream about Paul and woke up looking for him. But I am okay – not sad or depressed.

8-3-07
          Today is Mr. Bear Day at the Kiddie Park, but with the flood messing up so much there, the park is closed at this point – maybe for the season. But I am still okay.

8-12-07
          Heaven is a vast place – full of people from Adam on who were believers. Hell is not so large because a pit of fire doesn’t take up as much space. I am talking to you in a different manner now in this new level. Time is short and there is much to know, understand and walk out. Paul and his mom had a great reunion and are now exploring heaven together. Be at peace.

8-21-07
          This year has just flown by. I’m not sure I’ve accomplished everything but I know I have grown some spiritually. Things seem to be moving faster as we come closer and closer to the Rapture. I am so ready – maybe that’s why I’ve been cleaning and sorting and getting rid of so much. I don’t want to leave behind a mess – even through I know my kids and grandkids will be raptured as well.

9-7-07
          Today was Paul’s birthday. Funny how life goes on and things do get easier in a way. I guess You could say I have adjusted to him being in the next room and I know I will be with You soon so everything is great because I am at peace with You.

9-20-07
          I closed my eyes and had a picture of a subway car – one of the old ones – and I heard “Don’t hold onto the strap – walk on through.”

9-21-07
          I was just thinking about the meaning of letting go of the strap when it occurred to me to step out on the water. I must be at the edge of something…

12-16-07
NOTE:
This is the 3rd anniversary of Paul’s death and my journal doesn’t even mention it at all. It is all about Jesus and how He is a bridge for us between us and God. It’s all about Jesus’ love for us.

2-16-08
          I’ve been nervously ready to go to dinner with the church for some time now. Why am I nervous? I have no idea – except it’s another step out on my own, I guess. Plus going out to dinner isn’t fun any more – nothing seems to be as fun as it used to be. Funny – it’s been over three years and I still find “new” experiences difficult – almost seemingly impossible – yet I know I must take them in stride if I am to heal.

          I’ve finally gotten okay with going to town, going to clowns, going to see the kids, going to work and to church – and I know I’ll be fine at going to dinner with a group of friends.

2-17-08
          Dinner was fun. I really enjoyed myself. I can’t imagine why I was so nervous…

7-13-08
          I know I have gained some insight in the last few days and I have a lot more confidence in You than I’ve previously had. I feel so relaxed and comfortable with You, Lord, with myself, with other people. It is wonderful.

7-23-08
          I KNOW something happened tonight at church but I don’t know what.
                   Isaiah 43:19 Behold I am doing a new thing! Now it springs
forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it?

7-24-08
          I am still adamant that something happened last night. I sense freedom and lightness but I don’t know what it is. Like I’ve stepped into my own – but I don’t know what it means…

7-28-08
          Simply denying yourself of something is not enough. You must also concentrate on replacing what you are trying to get out of your life with what you want to put into your life.

7-29-08
          Today the word ‘freedom’ comes to mind – that word also has come to mind several times this week. Freedom.

          Late: I’ve thought a lot about freedom today and I feel like You also reminded me that I noticed something was different last Wednesday night. After checking with others, I concluded it must be about me. And while I was thinking, I suddenly realized how free I am – fee of inhibitions; free of imagined slights and torment; free to be me; free of the past; free from fear; free from antagonism; free from bondage of the past – I think I just realized I am my own person – not Paul’s wife or Joe’s mom or Dora’s mom or Justin’s mom or Johnnathan’s Nanny. Of course I am those things but I am much more.

          When I stepped into my office at work this morning I realized it was time to remove my wedding band and engagement ring. I’ll have to wear a ring on that finger part of the time – after all I’ve worn a ring there for over 40 years! I am simply the municipal court clerk, not Mrs. I am Vicki Long – my own person. I am writing a book the purpose of which is to show others that with God’s help, anyone can conquer anything.

7-30-08
          You have turned my mourning into dancing. You have turned my sorrow into joy.

          There were several steps in the last level – one I believe actually started in October 2004 – but I truly believe I have come out on top! Thanks in full to You, Lord, for I could not have done it without You and Your presence and Your guidance in my life.

          That was a long level, but I’m ready for the next step… to praise and honor and glorify You, Lord. I am truly free! Truly free to be me.