Thou Shall Not

THOU SHALL NOT
By Kati Rounds

Rebecca Lapp studied herself in the reflection of the windowpane. As she raised her hand to touch her cheek, she seemed to be the same. Yet, with the changes that had taken place in her life, she thought she would see a different image peering back at her. “I am lost,” she whispered to herself, as she reviewed the past five years of her young life. She had gone from a young woman to an adult, but what had she gained?

At an early age, being brought up in the Plain Amish community, she had looked forward to Rumspringa,  a time during her teenage years, when she would be able to experience those things that the “English,” worldly teenagers experienced, and  had been withheld from her  during her youth. She had always worked hard on her Dat’s farm, taking special care of the animals, a God given gift. Since childhood, she had been respectful and obedient to her parents, and the rules of her home and the Amish community. However, her love for writing eclipsed everything else in her life, and when she was told, at the tender age of thirteen, that her “prideful” writing was forbidden, she knew that when Rumspringa arrived, she would leave her parents home.

Now, an adult at eighteen, Rebecca pinned her blond hair up in the traditional Plain Amish style, covering her head with her white starched kapp, allowing the ties to fall down to each side, and loosely tied at the bottom.  She studied her reflection. It was a time of decision that would affect the rest of her life.

When she turned sixteen, she had the opportunity to stay on the farm, or go out and experience the world, which she chose to do. She went to the city with a friend, and faced the challenges of life in a way that she never knew existed. The freedom from the community was exhilarating. She could come and go as she pleased with no one looking over her shoulder to dictate her every move.  But along with this newfound freedom came hardships she had never known. Often, the sounds of blaring horns and screaming sirens, along with loud music, her new acquaintances would play, made her crave her quiet country surroundings that she had left behind. The noise was deafening. On top of everything else, she could not find her beloved stars, through the artificial lights of the city. Her stars seemed like friends to her. On hot sticky nights, she would rock in the oversized wooden rocker that sat on her front porch, listening to the crickets sing their night songs, and watching the stars that God had splashed across the canvas of the heavens. Now in all the noise and confusion, she could barely find one. She started to understand why her people had tried to protect her from the heartbreak and noise of the world.

However, through all the months, she allowed herself to write, any time she wanted, and became proficient at what she did. She knew that the Ordnung would not approve of her prideful writings. The Elders made their own set of rules, and if one was broken, whether it was reasonable or not, you faced being shunned from the fellowship of like believers. Her heart was torn in two.

She was back home now, and at a crossroads in her life. In a few weeks, it would be time for the youth of the Amish order, who had gone into the world for a short period during Rumspringa, to come back and give their lives fully to God in baptism. It was a time to confess, and give up foolish ways and thoughts, to become the person that God and the Elders thought they should become. It would be a time to renounce the evils of the world, along with her prideful writing.

Rebecca could go back, kneel in front of the elders and repent of her sin, or stay away from everything and everyone she knew. She knelt down to pray to her God; the only One she knew who understood the deepest desires of her heart. She talked to Him, like a friend, twice a day, something she had done since her youth. She had been taught rout prayers by memory, the correct words to speak to God. But today, her prayer came from the inner core of her being.

“God, it’s me Rebecca. I come to you, knowing that today I need to know the answers for my life, which will affect me, and those around me, forever. I need help to know if I should give up writing, because whatever decision I make, I will be only half a person. If I give up my writing, so much a part of my life, I will be able to fit back into the community, my home. I love and respect my Dat, Mam, and brothers and sisters. And Lord God, what about Elijah, who lives down the road?  I hoped that one day we would marry, and have gardens and a farm of our own. I want to have children, teaching them the Amish way. But, I want to write, and I know if I continue, I will be shunned, by not only my community, but by my family and even my best friends. Lord God, help me to make the right choice. Amen.”

After prayer, and deep heart searching, Rebecca had come to a decision. Her heart beat faster as she realized the finality of what she was about to do. Her writing journal and pencil were resting on her lap.  A tear slipped down her cheek, and splashed unto the paper that was so dear to her.  Again gazing into the reflection of the window, with drops of rain splashing the pane, as if the sky itself was crying, Rebecca slowly removed her kapp from her head and took the pins from her long hair, allowing it to fall gently over her shoulders. Closing the cover of her journal, she lifted the beloved book to her breast and held it close. Leaving her kapp on the dresser, she blew out the oil lamp, which had given the room a warm soft glow, and silently closed the door behind her.