Sara, Jake, and Dad

(editors note: Recently I posted this on my facebook, and I was hoping that reviewers would mostly read the free write entitled: Dreams [stuck in the middle], though the story itself serves as a free write of it's own. Thank you for taking the time to read about my observations on life, regardless of the category it's put under)

Coming to terms with life, love and adventure.
Oct, 15th 2008 3:07 am


Life:

It's one in the morning and I got home about an hour ago from a movie "The Express" I battled the inner turmoil of attempting to see "Body of Lies" instead, checking the R rating and brushing it aside like i used to, saying that maybe it was a good movie etc etc.

I can't come up with a reason not to watch it, but won't.  Funny, Dr. Pepper and I are best friends.

I'm not a new man, I'm the same I've always been, attempting to break out of the shell/box that I've put around myself in an attempt to become my very own person.  Trying to come up with or justify myself into or out of what I want to do, regardless of creed, or peer influence.

I've been writing music again  lately, another attempt to do what I've always dreamed of doing, put my inspiration on paper and running with it.  "Musicians don't make money" I'll break the mold... i'll do something on the side.

Life is simple for me, wake up, go to work. go on dates, play video games, hang with the roomies. have on days and off days, the usual, so does everyone else.

My favorite people in the world got married in the past few months, a few best friends, i missed that many weddings. Honestly I'd re-do it and save the money i spent on fast food and hair products and hitch-hike to try to make the times, pictures and smiles, and heartache knowing that buddy was with the girl of his dreams, and that girl at one point was mine.  I know they're happy and even though I'm jealous, mine will come when she comes and I still won't look back.

It hurts, regret, we all know that.  We take notes, keep tabs and try new things the next time.  Thank the Lord we learn from our mistakes.


Love:  (where most of my musical material comes from)
excerpt of one song:

You say that I'll find someone better
But we both know no man has ever met her
And now
I'll play my part
While you leave
With whats left of my heart



free write: "Dreams"

I take solace and comfort from a blank piece of paper and a cheaply adequate ball point pen yet i know that paper can't mince words or ignore me.
I don't want to talk tomorrow, I want to paint a picture tonight.
I want my story to be so elaborate that only God could drag you away, kicking and screaming.

I can't adequately explain my feelings out loud, I was tongue tied like Moses before Aaron arrived.  I don't doubt God, yet I tend to tell Him what to do, quite a bit.

What changes?  What makes the moments' magic disappear? Why anger, why confusion?

Embittered yet impassioned I resolve to try again.

Love is what the heart wants, what all hearts long for.

Hearts never die lonely, never having loved at all.

Sometimes though, they don't beat as fast. Bring her palpitations to my door any day.

Let me not torture as I'm tortured thus.

Consume what on my lusts?  Lust is never consumed. It grows and tortures you, scalds and mocks you when you give in to it. Promises are broken without a gentle heed.

Would that I met her today or tomorrow, even a few months away. Nay, years, to know she loves me back, to know she cares for me. To know that she wants me, skeletons and all.

The devil, he knows who I am, what I was and all I ever hoped I could be. How he laughs at the joy that I always seem to chase yet still seems so far from me.

Goes God really care? Does He know I'm still here?  A fond loving embrace and I'll see. May I be ready for her, when God meets the time, may I be all I may ever be, when the girl of my dreams... loves me.


yeah... i think that sums it up pretty well...


Adventure :

Life right now for me is an adventure. 25 and for the first time on my own, if a gifted car counts.  To me, it does.  I used to pay for everything with daddy's money, not anymore.  I love it, knowing that what I choose to spend my money on is my own fault and that I get to dig myself out of the holes I make.  The measure of confidence that comes with it I wouldn't trade for the world. 

I have a job that I absolutely need, a first, golden parachute gone.  I love it, popcorn, grease, navy blue polo and black pants... ugh, but I love it.

I love that life throws us as much as it does, I marvel that we are in the Lord's hands, and that when we look back, none of us can honestly say we've done any of it on our own.

He's carried us, He always has and always will. I wouldn't trade it for the world, my family is right for me, my friends all prepare me for the next, and life inevitably moves forward.

Dad:

Words can't express how proud I am to be your son.  Thank you for living your dreams and marrying the angel I have for a mother. 

Sara:

Thanks for the things you have taught me, and for our little chat the other day that helped me find the peace of mind and closure I've been seeking for years.

Jake:

Sorry I missed it. Infinite happy years to come, always in my prayers. 

All my thoughts and love,

Thyrd